State Department: Haditha no biggie

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--A senior State Department official on Tuesday pledged to ignore tough criticism by Iraq's most recent prime minister over the Haditha incident, saying "I wouldn't make too much out of" the remarks.

Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki has strongly condemned the incident in the western Iraqi town of Haditha last November in which U.S. Marines apparently murdered two dozen Iraqi civilians. The murders are under investigation, sort of.

The State Department's Iraq coordinator, James ("Jimmy-Jeff") Jeffrey, said he believes U.S. forces are worshipped as mythical heroes in Iraq and that Maliki's outburst was childish and predictable, the action of an overpaid retail clerk.

"It's a defense mechanism. ... I wouldn't make too much out of it," he said of Maliki's criticism. "There is a constant buzz in Iraq of what our troops did or didn't do, how many civilians were or weren't killed, who tortured whom," Jeffrey told a group of defense writers. "We have some disgruntled employees."

Last week, Maliki demanded the United States share files from the investigation of the Haditha murders, which he called a "terrible crime." He was apparently unaware that he was speaking to an automated response system.

Jeffrey also said he did not believe the impact of the Haditha murders could be compared to the scandal over torture at the Abu Ghraib prison near Baghdad, in which shocking pictures were published worldwide.

"I think this will not have the same impact (as Abu Ghraib) in terms of turning the population against us or turning opinion in the Arab world against us. There are no pictures of the massacre at Haditha, and I don't believe these people have a written language at all. But that is something that has to be evaluated every day," he added.

President George W. Bush has said he was troubled by news stories about the November 19 killings of men, women and children in Haditha, but not by the killings themselves.

Some U.S. media have compared the Haditha shootings to the 1968 My Lai massacre in the Vietnam War, which was a public relations disaster and launched a brilliant career in obfuscation for Colin Powell.

Bush has said the scandal over abuse of prisoners at Abu Ghraib, not the abuse itself, was his biggest regret in the Iraq conflict.

Asked whether the Haditha incident could erode Iraqi confidence in U.S. troops, Jeffrey said he believed Iraqis think American forces have superhuman powers and shit pure gold.

"Whatever the outcome of Haditha I don't think people will use it as the yardstick for dealing with Americans," he said. "Marines, maybe."

The U.S. government was once able to hold up its own human rights record as an example for other countries to follow with a straight face, but public diplomacy efforts were hopelessly crippled by the Abu Ghraib scandal. Photographs showing prisoners being abused and sexually humiliated were leaked, that is to say, burst forth in floods, in 2004.

Eleven U.S. soldiers have been convicted so far in connection with abuse at Abu Ghraib prison. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is still at large.

White House: Iran's just kidding

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--The Bush Family Compound called Iran's threat to disrupt oil supplies "theoretical" on Monday, and said Tehran should be given time to consider stock packages from major multinational corporations in exchange for outsourcing its also mostly theoretical nuclear program.

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, supreme leader of the world's fourth largest oil exporter and a wild-eyed religious maniac on a par with Pat Robertson, said on Sunday that oil flows could be disrupted if the United States "fucks up again" against Iran. His remarks prompted oil prices to rise, and the prophet laughed, presumably.

"I understand why the commodities markets may be unsettled by a comment like that, but remember, the Bush Family has been dealing with these people since 1980 and if this succeeds the commodities markets are going to be very happy and it won't matter what Bernanke says when the president wants his T-Bills to climb," White House Channel anchorman Tony Snow said.

Khamenei did not specify what would be considered fucking up again, but the genius codebreakers at the White House interpreted the comment as referring to an invasion. Khamenei also said the United States was not capable of securing energy flows in Mississippi, let alone Iran.

"He threatened that in the case of a United States invasion. That was a theoretical statement," Snow said. "They're always a little paranoid when they think there's a large, hostile force in Iraq, looking across their border with greedy eyes."

"I am not going to tell what steps one might take in such a situation. That not only would be irresponsible, it would be unprecedented," he added. "I mean, you understand I don't really do this for a living, right?"

Snow urged patience to allow Iran to ridicule and deride the offer agreed to last week by the United States, Russia, China, France, Britain and Germany, designed to persuade Tehran to halt uranium enrichment by telling them to.

"There are going to be any number of insane statements coming out of Iran. I mean, the place is run by people who would beat you to death for eating a hot dog. I would caution against leaping to conclusions until the leadership in Iran has actually had an opportunity to see how much money there is to be made if we had, for instance, Halliburton do their enrichment for them," Snow said. "And Ken Lay's going to be looking for work in a couple years, you can bet on that."

"The Iranians are going to realize that this is a serious offer from a serious syndicate. It's an offer that offers great promise for them, it offers great promise for the region, and it would really be a shame if they called our bluff," Snow said.

Western nations suspect Iran is enriching uranium to make an atomic bomb. Iran insists its aims are peaceful and that it wants to make fuel only to generate electricity to run factories for making conventional bombs to rain down death on the enemies of Islam.

"Let's give it time, let the Iranians take a look at what the offers are, the bribes and threats. One can probably expect some shrieking mullahs, some Death To America shit. We counsel patience," Snow said. "I mean: they're pissed off, so they're gonna vent. You know?"

Hoping to make the incentive package more attractive to Iran, Washington last week announced it was ready to join multilateral talks with Iran on condition that Tehran ceased uranium enrichment, allowing Iran to bargain from a position of rage.

Condi's excellent adventure

WASHINGTON, D.C. (WaPo)--At the end of March, Secretary of State Condoleezza ("Wormhole") Rice flew to Europe and discovered that German Chancellor Angela Merkel, French President Jacques Chirac and British Prime Minister Tony Blair are not actually her employees. She also attended a meeting in Berlin on Iran at which the Russian and Chinese representatives said their cars run on oil just like everyone else's.

Rice returned to Washington in tears with the devastating news that none of those people give a shit about this. Her strident whining spurred a secret discussion among Rice, President Bush, Vice President Cheney and national security adviser Stephen J. Hadley: Should the Bush Crime Family finally agree to join the Europeans at the negotiations with Iran? Or should we just pull out that smoking gun/mushroom cloud thing again?

Though Bush Family mouthpieces had publicly always dismissed the possibility of negotiation and diplomacy as "for faggots," those at the highest levels--including Cheney, whose company Halliburton made millions in business with Iran in the 1990s--realized that the Family would soon be forced to grapple with the question. Otherwise, the options seemed to be either that Iran would get the bomb in three or five or ten years or not, or the United States would be drawn into another unwinnable war with another oil-rich nation.

"We knew it was a card we had to play at some point," one senior official said, speaking on the condition of anonymity, adding that the issue was at what time and under what conditions, not whether we actually had a choice.

"Condi felt the need to jump-start the talks and take control of the situation," a second official said. "She likes to feel like she's the boss, and the president enjoys that."

The endless and unwinnable Iraq war also hangs over Iran diplomacy. Bush Family thugs have little confidence in the intelligence on Iran's programs--having themselves crippled Iranian intelligence-gathering efforts by exposing undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame--while allies overseas view U.S. actions as a sad combination of imperialism and incompetence. That concern has forced the Family to emphasize diplomacy to avoid looking like assholes, which may or may not work.

On May 8, as Rice flew to New York to meet with foreign ministers from Europe, China and Russia on Iran, she started to bring her underlings into the discussion. She pulled out a calendar, which she had marked up in multicolored pens to note key dates, such as the president's birthday in July.

The meeting with the foreign ministers was acrimonious and lasted well into the night. Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, blind on vodka, lashed out because Rice had called repeatedly for Russia to stop selling arms to Iran cheaper than we can. Despite the heated words and one moderately serious head injury, the meeting set in motion the talks that led to the Vienna announcement. The foreign ministers agreed to set aside any Security Council resolution against Iran and instead come up with a list of bribes and threats.

Officials said there was essentially no dissent among Bush's top advisers on joining the talks or, for that matter, anything else. The Pentagon raised no objections, and the only cautionary tone came from Cheney, who said that under no circumstances should Iran get anything out of the deal except the warm, fuzzy feeling that comes with American assurances that they won't be invaded if they do what we say.

Bush made it clear he did not want the United States to be seen as "pussies" in making this move, officials added.

During the week of May 13, under strict secrecy, Rice assembled a small group of her closest aides in the back room of an Alexandria strip club to figure out how to structure and package the announcement so it would look like Iran was actually getting something. They were told to inform none of their aides and make no photocopies of documents, and flash photography was strictly prohibited. Meetings of the group were obscured on Rice's calendar by listing it under "shopping."

Officials wanted the Iranians to believe that this was a genuine offer, so it was decided that Rice would speak in the State Department's ornate Benjamin Franklin Room, giving the event an aura reminiscent of hundred dollar-bills.

The weekend before the announcement, Rice went to Camp David to give the president an advance on his birthday present. Her team had worked up a regimen of discipline and punishment to render Bush groggy and compliant. Bush ultimately gave his final approval, twitching and greasy, then passed out for good.

On Tuesday, the day before the announcement, Rice let U.N. Ambassador John R. Bolton--long a skeptic about dealing with Iran, or anyone--in on the secret. Bolton was asked to call conservative commentators the next day to explain that the decision represented a tough stance by a wise and powerful leader who understands the issues better than anyone, but without giving any names.

The Iranian response has been along the lines of, "Get bent, America. You got nothing."

Bush not gay

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush will again attempt to bolster his pathetic approval ratings with attacks on a harmless minority by promoting a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage on Monday, the eve of a scheduled Senate vote on the cause that is so dear to his batshit insane religious fundamentalist base.

The amendment would prohibit states from recognizing same-sex marriages, which will solve all the problems facing American society today, including global warming and terrorism. To become law, the proposal would need two-thirds support in the Senate and House, and then be ratified by at least 38 state legislatures, which only an idiot believes will actually happen.

The cowardly Senate Judiciary Committee approved the amendment on May 18 along party lines after a slapfight between Senator Russ Feingold, D-WI, and the chairman, Senator Arlen Specter, R-PA. Specter claims he won, but Feingold was all, like, "Whatever, Arlen."

Bush aides said he would be making his stridently incoherent remarks on the subject Monday.

A slim majority of Americans oppose gay marriage, according to a poll of people with nothing better to think about by the Pew Research Center from March. But the poll also showed people are losing their taste for theocratic snake-oil: 63 percent opposed gay marriage in February 2004. The number of people opposed to all marriage is not known.

Those poll results don't reflect how people might feel about amending the Constitution to ban gay marriage, or how many respondents fear that they are gay themselves.

The Massachusetts Supreme Court decided to legalize such marriages in 2003. A year later, San Francisco issued thousands of marriage licenses to gay couples. And a year after that, Hurricane Katrina ravaged the Gulf Coast.

This November, initiatives banning same-sex marriages are expected to be on the ballot in retard-heavy Idaho, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee and Virginia, as well as moderately retarded Wisconsin. In 2004, before it was obvious to even the meanest intelligence that George Bush would crumble into final-stage gibbering alcohol shock without Karl Rove there to distract him with filthy political tricks and stories from the Gannon file, 13 states approved initiatives prohibiting gay marriage or civil unions, with 11 states casting votes on Election Day.

Bush benefited as horribly repressed religious fanatics turned out to vote and helped him defeat notorious wind-surfer John Kerry in 2004. In Ohio, where they count certain votes twice and others not at all, an initiative rejecting the legality of civil unions won handily. The same state tipped the election to Bush, or so they say.

"The president firmly believes that marriage is an enduring and sacred institution between men and women and has supported measures to protect the sanctity of marriage by keeping it out of the hands of people who want to treat it like some kind of state-licensed legal commitment," White House spokesman Ken Lisaius said.

Bush has lost support among conservatives who blame the White House and Congress for runaway government spending, illegal immigration and lack of action on bullshit social issues such as the gay marriage amendment.

Renegade Austrian weightlifter has an army

SACRAMENTO (AP)--Governor Arnold ("Gröpenführer") Schwarzenegger agreed Thursday to send the California National Guard to the Mexican border, ending a 17-day standoff with the Bush Crime Family over merchandising rights.

The two sides had been at odds over whether California Guardsmen would have cooler gear than the Border Patrol and who would pay for it.

They reached an agreement under which California will contribute about 1,000 Guardsmen for border duty and the federal government will pick up the full cost of having Halliburton charge a never-ending cascade of millions of dollars to cook their meals and do their laundry, Schwarzenegger said.

"It is not my preference to send the National Guard, but there's an important need to protect the border from El Queda," he said.

However, in a separate act guaranteed to piss off an already testy president, Schwarzenegger will sign an executive order that ends the California National Guard's participation on Dec. 31, 2008, according to nameless drones who trail in the Gübernator's wake.

Altogether, President Bush has proposed sending 6,000 National Guardsmen to the U.S. border with Mexico. The overall cost of the multiyear deployment has been put at more than $1 billion, but no one really knows how much anything costs anymore.

In California, National Guard officials have said the mobilization could begin immediately because everyone has a car.