Evil woman crushes president's head

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--In a critique the Bush Crime Family has labeled as "poisonous" because it's true, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi charged Friday that President Bush is wading too deeply into his useless, bloody quagmire in Iraq and said it should not be "an obligation of the American people in perpetuity."

Pelosi said Bush "has dug a hole so deep he can't even see the light on this. It's a tragedy. It's a stark blunder. It's an unmitigated clusterfuck."

White House spokeswhore Dana Perino retorted that Pelosi's comments were "poisonous" and that there is no room in American political discourse for unpleasant speech, especially against helpless Republicans.

"It's certainly not in keeping with the bipartisan spirit and civility that the Democrats pledged and that we were counting on," Perino whined. "Speaker Pelosi was arguing in essence that the president is putting young men and women in harm's way for tactical political reasons. She's questioning his motivations rather than questioning his policies. She's a horrible bitch for talking this way about our brave leader, and she should be killed."

Democratic support is building around a resolution that would shitcan Bush's plans for more troops to Iraq, and every day more Republicans are looking for ways to sign on to the measure without appearing to.

As the White House scrambled to line up the few remaining hardcore paleo-conservatives still in favor of Bush's war policies on Capitol Hill, Republican Senator Gordon Smith of Oregon signaled that a simple wording change and a six-pack could persuade him to join the Democrats.

Pelosi said House Democrats would back a Senate Democratic resolution declaring that the troop increase is "not in the national interest of the United States," even though non-binding, symbolic measures are a complete waste of time, especially for the majority party.

Pelosi's savage attack came as the co-chairman of the powerless Iraq Study Group told a House panel that Bush's plan to deploy 21,500 additional troops to secure Baghdad and Anbar province would delay progress in training Iraqi security forces, which is so pathetically slow already that the surge could actually cause it to go backwards.

Bush and senior administration officials have been twisting arms and making threats to limit Republican defections.

"He said, 'If you can help us out, I really appreciate your help,'" Senator Wayne Allard (R-CO) said after a White House meeting with the commander in chief, who reportedly was fully conscious and walking unassisted.

Republican lawmakers in both houses are expected to draft alternative legislation, mostly so they can look busy while the Democrats make policy. Officials said one possibility under discussion is an alternative that supports the troop increase as long as the Iraqi government meets certain conditions, such as continuing to exist for another few months.

Administration supporters have expressed the fear that the president faces a bipartisan repudiation of significant proportions, also known as "the bi-cameral blowout of '07."

Bush's meeting with lawmakers was his third session in as many days as he struggles to build support for an increase in troops for his disastrous and illegal war, which is opposed by decent people everywhere and which played a major role in the assfucking Republicans took in last fall's elections.

Bye-bye, Bobby

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Republican scumbag Bob Ney was sentenced Friday to 30 months in federal prison for his role in one of the many GOP congressional bribery scandals.

Ney, the first congressman ensnared in this particular case so far, pleaded guilty to trading official favors for golf trips, tickets, meals, campaign donations and offshore orgy vouchers from disgraced lobbyist and white-slave racketeer Jack Abramoff, who ratted him out.

U.S. District Judge Ellen Segal Huvelle said that Ney would serve his time at the minimum security federal pen in Morgantown, West Virginia, where he can expect to enjoy daily jaunts to the exercise yard, frequent hot meals, and weekly showers.

When he is released, the judge said, Ney will serve another two years on probation, which should have no effect on his ability to make tons of money as a lobbyist. She also ordered him into a prison alcohol rehabilitation program for treatment of a drinking problem he began hiding behind as soon as his crimes became public.

The sentence was harsher than recommended by prosecutors or Ney's lawyers, Huvelle said, because Ney had violated the trust place on him as a public official. "Both your constituents and the public trusted you to represent them honestly," she said. "And you turned out to be both a crook and a shitheel."

Ney apologized to his family and constituents during a brief speech to the judge, but was sentenced anyway.

"I will continue to take full responsibility for the crimes of the Ohio Republican Party, take the fall for my betters, and battle the demons of addiction that are suddenly within me," he said.

Earlier, Ney's defense team filed letters bought from his doctor and a former staff member who described his convenient drinking problems and how they accelerated exponentially when he came under scrutiny in the Abramoff lobbying scandal.

Ney's plea-cop in the election-year scandal drew criticism from Republican congressional leaders and the Bush Crime Family, who believe with all their hearts that nothing is illegal if they do it. White House Channel anchorman Tony Snow said Ney's criminal activity "is not a reflection of the Republican Party," and everyone had a good laugh.

Ney pleaded guilty to conspiracy and making false statements. He is the latest in a string of Republicans convicted in what promises to be an endless scandal that has caught several lobbyists and two members of the Bush administration, just for starters.

The gifts Ney received ranged from a trip to Scotland bankrolled by Abramoff's clients to thousands of dollars in gambling chips that Ney got on two overseas junkets from Syrian businessman Fouad al-Zayat, whose desire for special permits to sell American-made airplane parts to the Iranian government made him a soft touch.

Abramoff, once the most influential K Street fixer, has turned rat in an FBI corruption investigation that has only begun to shake Capitol Hill. He is currently in prison for a fraudulent Florida casino deal, but has so many other felonies stacked up against him that he'll never stop singing.

Fuck you, I'm in charge

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush grudgingly concedes he isn't quite as popular as a combination of Clint Eastwood and Jesus Christ should be, and that the war in Iraq isn't properly appreciated by the weak, traitorous American public. None of that changes his view that more U.S. troops are needed to keep the war in Iraq going until he can leave office and dump it on the next guy.

Digging in for confrontation, Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney say they will not budge from sending more U.S. troops to Iraq no matter how much Congress, the American people, senior military analysts or the United Nations oppose it.

"I fully understand they could try to stop me, using the Constitution or the 'rule of law' or some shit like that," Bush said of the Democrat-run Congress. "But I'm the decider and I've made my decision, and we're going forward with our new way forward."

As the president tried to talk tough, like the dry-drunk, filthy rich ex-cheerleader he is, lawmakers pledged to explore ways to stop him.

"We need to look at what options we have available to constrain this idiot," said Democratic Senator Barack Obama of Illinois, a possible White House candidate in 2008. Democrats remain wary, though, of appearing unsupportive of American troops while trying to keep them from dying uselessly.

A defiant Cheney, meanwhile, said Democrats offered criticism without offering to take the blame. He pointedly reminded lawmakers that Bush is commander in chief, and they are scum.

"You cannot run a war by committee," the vice president said of congressional input. "Those people need to go fuck themselves."

Bush gave his first interview from Camp David, airing Sunday night on CBS' 60 Minutes. It was his second prime-time opportunity in five days to explain why he thinks adding more U.S. troops to the meat-grinder in Iraq for the fifth time since the invasion will work this time. He addressed the nation from the White House last Wednesday evening, clearly resentful of the need to do so.

"Some of my drinking buddies in Texas say, 'You know, let them towel-heads fight it out. What business is it of ours?'" Bush said of Iraqis. "And that's a temptation that I know a lot of people feel. But if we do not succeed in Iraq over there, we will leave behind a Middle East which will endanger America over here."

Yet when asked if he owes the Iraqi people an apology for botching the management of the war, he said, "Fuck, no."

"We liberated that country from a tyrant who killed almost as many people as we have," Bush said. "I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude, and we aim to collect."

Bush announced last week he will send 21,500 more troops to Iraq as an essential step toward stabilizing the country's government, while failing to acknowledge that this has never worked before.

Democrats in Congress--and a shitload of Republicans, actually--were unimpressed and frustrated. Beyond promising to go on record in opposition to the president's approach, the Democratic leadership is considering whether, and how, to cut off funding for additional troops.

"You don't like to micromanage the Defense Department, but we have to, in this case, because they're insane," said Representative John Murtha, a Pennsylvania Democrat who helps oversee military funding.

GOP Senator John McCain of Arizona, a potential 2008 presidential contender who sucks up to the president at every opportunity, said symbolic votes to express disapproval were pointless, and he's right for once.

"If they're dead serious then we should have a motion to cut off funding," he said, pretending that Senator Kennedy (D-MA) hasn't already introduced legislation to bring our mad-dog president to heel.

The Bush administration had hoped that the president's strategy of pretending this had never been tried before would lead to some bipartisan unity or that the White House would at least get an extended hearing before legislative leaders made up their minds that this was just more of the same old bullshit.

In the CBS interview, Bush rejected an assertion that, time and again, his administration has outright lied to the American people about Iraq.

"I really am not the kind of guy that sits here and says, 'Oh gosh, I'm worried about my legacy,'" Bush said. "I'm much more interested in my inheritance."

The president also said he saw part of the Internet-aired video of the execution of Saddam Hussein, which showed Shi'ite death-squad members in ski-masks and leather jackets taunting Saddam with the name of Moqtada al-Sadr as he stood with a noose around his neck on the gallows. He said it could have been handled a lot better, but at least they didn't cut his head off.

Bush said he got no particular satisfaction from seeing Saddam hang. "I'm not a revengeful person," he said. "Although he did try to murderize my Dad."

Boy-king to address peasants

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush will speak to the nation as to a stubborn, disobedient child Wednesday about his completely original new approach to escalating the war in Iraq, the White House said. Bush is expected to announce an increase of up to 20,000 additional U.S. targets.

Bush's entirely predictable decision, which he is pretending took more than two months to make, is drawing criticism from new Democratic leaders in Congress who say it is time to end the useless and illegal occupation, not to send in more U.S. forces to die in the service of the president's Saudi masters.

Now in its fourth year, the war has claimed the lives of more Americans than Osama bin Laden and was a major factor in the Republicans' loss of Congress in the November election, though the president believes that more than half the country wants the terrorists to win.

White House Channel Anchorman Tony Snow said Monday that Bush "understands there is a lot of public anxiety" about the war, though he seems unaware that he is the most hated man on the planet. He also said that Americans, possibly including Democrats, "don't want another September 11" type of terrorist attack and also that it is wiser to create an endless supply of terrorists overseas by occupying Iraq and other sovereign nations than to do something, anything at all about security in the United States.

Snow said the administration welcomes a debate about Bush's new policy, since they can no longer avoid one.

"I think it's important to get congressional support," the fascist Ken-doll said. Yet he would not say whether Bush will seek specific congressional approval for his new strategy, beyond begging for the money to pay for it.

"Rather than me jumping out and talking about resolutions and budget items and all that stuff I don't really know anything about, I'm not going to do it," Snow said. "But there will be a debate about the particulars in the way forward, as there should be. We welcome it, the way we have always welcomed criticism and oversight."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Sunday cautioned Bush to pull his head out of his ass and look around for a minute before proposing a troop increase, suggesting the new Democratic-controlled Congress could deny him the funding, an idea with which the president is unfamiliar.

But the Senate's top Republican dimwit said he believed that Bush will get the money and attention he needs because otherwise America will look bad when Jesus returns. "Congress is incapable of micromanaging the tactics in the war," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, who seems to believe that the ongoing slaughter in Iraq involves "tactics" which can be "managed."

"The burden is on the president to justify any additional resources for a mission," said Pelosi (D-CA). "Congress is ready to use its constitutional authority of oversight to question what is the justification for this spending, what are the results we are receiving."

Since the attacks of September 11, 2001, Congress has approved about $500 billion for Iraq, Afghanistan and Halliburton. The White House is working on its largest-ever appeal for more war funds: a record $100 billion, at least. It will be submitted along with Bush's February 5 budget, but not as part of it.

Senator Joe Biden, chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and a seriously delusional 2008 presidential candidate, said increasing troops would be another "tragic mistake." But he contended Congress was constitutionally powerless to second-guess Bush's military strategy because lawmakers had voted to authorize the commander in chief to wage war, which is the kind of dumb-ass reasoning that--combined with his ludicrous comb-over--makes the Baltimore Democrat a national joke.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) wrote in Sunday's Washington Post that the only way to deal with the many tragic, bloody consequences of Bush's lust for conquest and incompetent foreign policy is to allow the brain-damaged boy-king to try the same thing some more and hope for the best.

"When we authorized this war, we accepted the responsibility to make sure they could prevail," he wrote. "Even greater than the costs incurred thus far and in the future are the catastrophic consequences that would ensure from our failure in Iraq." He probably meant "ensue," but you can never tell with idiots.

Towel-head of Monticello

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Representative- elect Keith Ellison, the first known Muslim to be elected to Congress, will use a Quran once owned by noted Islamofascist America-hater Thomas Jefferson during his ceremonial swearing-in Thursday.

The chief of the Library of Congress' rare book and special collections division, Mark Dimunation, who is probably gay, will walk the Quran across the street to the Capitol and then walk it back after the ceremony, then he'll spend an eternity in the fiery pit of Satan for enabling this travesty to occur.

Ellison (D-MN) contacted the library about the book last month, Dimunation said, using his own name and everything.

Some knuckle-dragging Jesus freaks have argued that only a Bible should be used for the swearing-in, or the terrorists win. Last month, Virginia Representative Virgil Goode (R-VA) warned that unless immigration is tightened, "many more Muslims" will be elected and follow Ellison's lead. Ellison was born in Detroit and converted to Islam in college, which never would have happened if his ancestors had been prevented from entering the country in chains 260 years ago.

Ellison spokesman Rick Jauert said the new congressman "wants this to be a special day, and using Thomas Jefferson's Quran makes it even more special by making the wingnuts go insane trying to figure out who to be mad at."

"Jefferson's Quran dates religious tolerance to the founders of our country," he added. "Apparently it's in the First Amendment, or something."