Towel-head of Monticello

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Representative- elect Keith Ellison, the first known Muslim to be elected to Congress, will use a Quran once owned by noted Islamofascist America-hater Thomas Jefferson during his ceremonial swearing-in Thursday.

The chief of the Library of Congress' rare book and special collections division, Mark Dimunation, who is probably gay, will walk the Quran across the street to the Capitol and then walk it back after the ceremony, then he'll spend an eternity in the fiery pit of Satan for enabling this travesty to occur.

Ellison (D-MN) contacted the library about the book last month, Dimunation said, using his own name and everything.

Some knuckle-dragging Jesus freaks have argued that only a Bible should be used for the swearing-in, or the terrorists win. Last month, Virginia Representative Virgil Goode (R-VA) warned that unless immigration is tightened, "many more Muslims" will be elected and follow Ellison's lead. Ellison was born in Detroit and converted to Islam in college, which never would have happened if his ancestors had been prevented from entering the country in chains 260 years ago.

Ellison spokesman Rick Jauert said the new congressman "wants this to be a special day, and using Thomas Jefferson's Quran makes it even more special by making the wingnuts go insane trying to figure out who to be mad at."

"Jefferson's Quran dates religious tolerance to the founders of our country," he added. "Apparently it's in the First Amendment, or something."