If it walks and kills like a private merc, it's Iranian

BAGHDAD (CNN)--The Pentagon is fabricating evidence that an attack on a military compound in Karbala on January 20 was carried out by Iranians or Iranian-trained operatives, a U.S. official told CNN on Tuesday.

"People are actually looking at it seriously," another U.S. official said.

Five U.S. soldiers were killed in the sophisticated attack by English-speaking men wearing U.S.-style uniforms and driving vehicles often used by U.S. troops, who couldn't possibly have been any of the thousands of American black-ops mercenaries in Iraq working for privately-owned security firms with strong ties to the Bush Crime Family.

The military initially pulled a Tillman, saying the soldiers died "repelling the attack." But they were later forced to admit that was bullshit, acknowledging that the disguised attackers were allowed through checkpoints and that soldiers were taken from the compound and killed elsewhere.

"This was beyond what we have seen militias or foreign fighters do," the first official said. "But it couldn't possibly be Blackwater or Titan, because what benefit could a for-profit paramilitary organization possibly derive from another whole war next door?"

Some Iraqis speculate that the Iranian Revolutionary Guards Corps carried out the attack in retaliation for the kidnapping by U.S. forces of five Iranian nationals from their embassy in Irbil, Iraq, on January 11, but others think it's just another creepy CIA/Bush Family maneuver, like 9-11 or the Kennedy Assassination.

The five Iranians are still in U.S. custody, and Iran wants them back. But a U.S. national security official said Friday that the Bush administration has authorized U.S. forces to kill or capture Iranian agents plotting attacks in Iraq, Ahmed Chalabi and Dick Cheney excepted.

Monday morning lying

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--President George W. Bush said on Monday he did not intend to insult Democrats by failing to pronounce their party's full name in his State of the Union address, which is pure horseshit.

"I didn't know I did it," Bush told NPR in an interview, but he was lying.

In his speech last Tuesday, Bush declared to a joint session of the U.S. Congress that "I congratulate the Democrat majority." Democrats were enraged that he would stoop to this most childish of Republican rhetorical pranks while addressing the Congress before the entire nation. The party's proper name is the Democratic Party, and the smirking little shit knows it.

Republicans for years have dropped the last two letters of the name as a way of making it look like Democrats are lying about the name of their party. Bush's prepared text of his speech had the proper name but he couldn't resist misstating it in his address.

Bush hilariously called it an oversight and said he was "not that good at pronouncing words anyway." He said he was surprised at the level of distrust in Washington, which is funny coming from the lyingest front-man of the most secretive administration in American history.

"There is a lot of politics in Washington -- in my judgment, needless politics. And it's almost like, 'If George Bush is for it, we're against it,' and 'If he's against it, we're for it.' And the American people don't like that," Bush said, directly contradicting the American people, 70% of whom are against whatever he's for, and for whatever he's against.

Bush: Congress is the Enemy

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--There's hardly a topic these days on which President Bush isn't asking the Democratic-controlled Congress to avoid the sort of "reflexive partisan response" which has characterized his own party for the last twelve years.

That's certainly the case with Iraq, but it also applies to the domestic priorities of health and energy about which he babbled incoherently in his State of the Union address.

"I have asked Congress to take several vital steps to address these issues," Bush said Saturday in his pointless weekly radio address. "Some members gave a reflexive partisan response, like we're in some kind of adversarial relationship, what I like to call 'adversaries.'"

He praised the few Democrats who had "welcomed this opportunity to reach across the aisle."

"Joe Lieberman is a good start," he said.

The president's opening strategy toward Capitol Hill's Democratic majority, as displayed most prominently in his delusional State of the Union speech Tuesday night, is to present himself as a leader taking the initiative to work across party lines, when in reality he's a lame-duck known felon who can't even control his own upper lip. The president's policy of "hope" requires that Democrats will feel pressured to join him or face public disapproval if they don't, even though it was public disapproval of the Bush Crime Family's corruption and incompetence which brought Democrats into the majority.

But bipartisanship aside, Bush has also been showing a willingness to talk tough even though inside, he's a craven little bitch with the soul of a drunken ward-heeler.

On a collision course with Congress over Iraq, Bush had strong words Friday for the lawmakers on both sides of the aisle who are lining up to support resolutions opposing his decision to dump the war in Senator McCain's lap by calling his bluff and sending 21,500 additional troops to Iraq. Asked how he could go ahead with his plan without congressional support, he said bluntly, "I'm the decision-maker. Congress can blow me."

On Thursday, Bush visited Lee's Summit, Mo., to give a boost to an idiotic proposal that would overhaul the way the tax code treats health insurance by penalizing those who can currently afford it. Democrats have greeted the idea with sneers of derision, pointing out it does nothing to help the majority of the uninsured and unnecessarily undermines a health insurance system built around the workplace, where more than half of Americans get their coverage.

"They're just dismissing things because of pure politics," Bush said. "It's almost like they're Republicans."

On energy, ramping up production of alternative fuels such as cellulosic ethanol is one way Bush says the nation can get to the goal of cutting consumption of gasoline by up to 20 percent over 10 years, although skyrocketing prices brought on by peak oil will probably do it for us.

The other key element of Bush's energy plan is changing the way fuel-economy standards are set for passenger cars. The president wants Congress to give his cabal the power to set the standards for cars, using a system it says cut emissions while preserving choices for big Republican donors who can't live without their SUVs. Bush opposes any legislation simply setting a number for higher fuel-economy standards, an approach Democrats like better because it makes sense.

The moronic energy ideas were not dismissed as quickly and completely as the moronic health care ones. Still, Bush has asked for the dictatorial fuel-economy authority before, without success.

"We've set important goals, and now Republicans and Democrats must work together to make them a reality," Bush said on the radio, where no one could give him that look.

Dick, Dick, Dick...

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CNN)--Vice President Dick Cheney on Wednesday dismissed as "hogwash" the suggestion that incompetence and corruption may have hurt the Bush Crime Family's credibility on Iraq and led members of Congress on both sides of the aisle to ridicule President Bush's plan to send more troops to Baghdad again.

In an interview with dead-eyed CNN meathead Wolf Blitzer, conducted a day after Bush delivered his delusional State of the Union address, Cheney was asked to respond to some Republicans in Congress who "are now seriously questioning your credibility, because of the blunders and the failures and the profiteering and the always being wrong or lying, not that there's anything wrong with that."

To which Cheney answered, "Wolf, Wolf, I simply don't accept the premise of your question. I just think it's hogwash. And you'll either retract it or I'll have you killed."

Cheney said the corporation is committed to moving ahead with its plan to send more troops to Baghdad again, no matter what Congress does.

"It won't stop us," he said. "Nothing can stop us, of course, but a non-binding resolution? Be real. We regularly ignore the Constitution and you think you're going to stop us with a non-binding resolution? That's just toilet paper to us. Having said that, it also proves what we've been saying all along, which is that Democrats hate the troops and want us to lose."

If U.S. forces were to pull out of Iraq, "we would simply validate the terrorists' strategy that says Americans will not keep trading blood for oil forever. That's the biggest threat, that they would think we don't really want that oil enough to keep feeding fresh meat into the grinder."

He added, "The notion that somehow the effort hasn't been worth it, or that we shouldn't go ahead and keep doing it, is just dead wrong. People who say that don't understand business."

Cheney grudgingly acknowledged a few "ongoing problems" in Iraq, where a civil war sparked by our invasion and occupation kills hundreds of Iraqis per week and where there have been more than 3,000 U.S. military fatalities over the course of what is now the second-longest foreign war in American history.

Asked about the criticism, from some of the meth-addled Jesus-freaks who have typically been his administration's power base, about the pregnancy of his lesbian daughter Mary, Cheney expressed irritation with the idea that people can ask him questions.

"I'm delighted I'm about to have a sixth grandchild, Wolf," he said. "They're an excellent source of viable tissue, as you know. And obviously I think the world of both my daughters, all of my grandchildren, my shark-eyed bastards and several of my Taiwanese biotech investments.

"And I think, frankly, you're out of line with that question. Why don't we go hunting sometime, Wolf?"

And the vice president carefully avoided talk about the 2008 presidential race beyond expressing outright opposition to Senator Hillary Clinton of New York "because she's a Democrat" and predicting Clinton will not be elected president, and even if she were to win she wouldn't make a good chief executive, and even if she did make a good chief executive she'd still be a woman, and subject to hormonal attacks which could threaten our nation's security.

"I don't agree with her philosophically and from a policy standpoint," the vice president said. "And I think she is in the last throes, if you will, of her candidacy."

Perjury isn't treason, but it's a start

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--The perjury trial of Bush Crime Family thug Lewis "Scooter" Libby begins on Tuesday, but the investigation has already revealed the sleaze and malfeasance of the cabal's internal workings and demonstrated the culpability of the news media.

Vice President Dick "Shotgun" Cheney heads the list of prominent criminals and media whores expected to testify in a case that will examine the ways the White House and the Washington press corps lied the nation into war in Iraq in 2003.

The case began as an effort to determine what filthy traitor revealed the identity of a CIA operative working on weapons of mass destruction, whose husband--career diplomat Joseph "Mister" Wilson--revealed in a New York Times article that the Bush Family's story about Saddam's yellowcake uranium was all bullshit.

Nobody has been charged with treason yet, but Libby resigned as Cheney's chief of staff when he was charged with pathologically lying to a grand jury and the FBI during the investigation.

Legal experts say Special Prosecutor Patrick "Pit-Bull" Fitzgerald's case may have been weakened by his decision to prosecute Libby rather than former Deputy Secretary of State Richard "Cueball" Armitage, who has attempted to muddy the waters by claiming it was he who revealed CIA operative Valerie "Alias" Plame's identity to reporters.

Opening arguments begin on Tuesday. Libby's lawyers plan to argue that any lies he may have told were a result of his inability to remember what he said to whom about what because he was preoccupied with important national security matters, such as silencing other potential whistle-blowers by making an example of a pair of exemplary public servants.

Experts say Fitzgerald has damaged the independence of the news media by forcing reporters who were fed Plame's identity to choose between prison and disclosing confidential conversations with treasonous criminals.

Judith "Scum Queen" Miller of The New York Times spent 85 days behind bars before agreeing to cooperate.

The investigation has also hurt the White House, experts say, as Libby quit and top political adviser Karl "Turd-Blossom" Rove faced intense scrutiny by prosecutors before being, for now, cleared.

Fitzgerald will try to use Miller and other expected witnesses to keep the focus on how often Libby lied and to whom, rather than delving into the clusterfuck in Iraq or the mendacity of White House statements leading up to it.

But those controversial subjects have affected even mundane aspects of the case, causing jury selection to take a day longer than planned when 16 potential jurors said they could not judge the case impartially because Dick Cheney would poison a blind man's dog, steal his cane and sell him a rat's ass for a wedding ring.

At least seven of the 12 jurors left at the end of the process have expressed the opinion that the Bush administration would lie about the weather.