"I get laid more than Bill Clinton!"

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Former House Speaker and partisan vandal Newt Gingrich was fucking around on his wife even as he led the charge against President Clinton over the Oval Office Blowjob, he acknowledged in an interview with a conservative Christian group.

"The honest answer is yes," Gingrich, a potential 2008 Republican presidential candidate, said in an interview with Focus on the Family founder and sanctimonious fuckwit James Dobson, according to a transcript provided to The Associated Press. "There are times that I have fallen short of my own standards. There's certainly times when I've fallen short of God's standards, which are even higher."

Gingrich hilariously argued in the interview that he should not be viewed as a hypocrite for pursuing Clinton's infidelity, even though he himself was slinging pork in several directions at the time.

"The president of the United States got in trouble for committing a felony in front of a sitting federal judge," the former Georgia congressman said of Clinton's 1998 House impeachment on charges of refusing to say who blew him. "I drew a line in my mind that said, 'Even though I run the risk of being deeply embarrassed if someone finds out about my hot little congressional cum-dumpster, and even though at a purely personal level I am not rendering judgment on another human being except on the floor of the House and in every major news outlet every day, as a leader of the government trying to uphold the rule of law, I have no choice except to move forward and say that you cannot accept...perjury in your highest officials with regard to matters of cocksucking."

Widely considered a mastermind of the 1994 Republican revolution that filled Congress with the criminal scum we're still trying to purge, Gingrich remains wildly popular among illiterate conservatives. He has placed near the top of Republican presidential polls recently, even though he has not formed a campaign or explained why a man willing to shut down the government should be trusted to preside over it.

Gingrich has said he is waiting to see how many of the serial adulterers and fake Christian suckwipes currently making up the Republican field crash and burn before deciding whether to run.

Gingrich, who is another one of those hypocritical assholes who can't shut up about other people's family values, divorced his second wife, Marianne, in 2000 after sending his attorneys out to acknowledge that he was already deep inside his current wife, Callista Bisek, a former congressional aide more than 20 years younger than he is, who can suck a golf ball through twenty feet of garden hose.

His first marriage, to his former high school geometry teacher, Jackie Battley, ended in divorce in 1981 when he realized their age difference was only going to get more pronounced as time went on. Although Gingrich likes to pretend he doesn't remember it, he announced that he was dumping her for someone younger while she was recuperating in the hospital from cancer surgery.

Gingrich married Marianne months after the divorce. It is not known how soon after this he began fucking Callista.

"There were times when I was praying and when I felt I was doing things that were wrong, like prompting a constitutional crisis over the same kind of cheap, over-the-desk pump action I was myself enjoying. But I was still doing them," he said in the interview. "I look back on those as periods of weakness and periods that I'm...not proud of, exactly, but you gotta give me credit for balls."

Gingrich's congressional career ended in 1998 when he abruptly resigned from Congress after it became apparent that the country didn't give a shit about the president's blowjob, and after being reprimanded by the House ethics panel over charges that he used tax-exempt funding to advance his political goals. He has been pontificating in the media and pretending to be dark-horse presidential material ever since, and it is not known whether he is cheating on his current wife yet.

Sucking up to the shrinking GOP base

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Soulless opportunists Rudolph Giuliani and Mitt Romney frequently invoked brain-damaged Republican hero Ronald Reagan and boasted about their newfound allegiance to the GOP's core principles as they sought to win over skeptical paleo-conservatives Friday.

"You and I have a lot of common beliefs that are the same and we have some that are different," ranted Giuliani, the former New York City mayor who urged GOP activists to look past his moderate stances on gun control, abortion and gay rights and focus instead on his corporatism and his willingness to scapegoat minorities. "The point of a presidential election is to figure out who you agree with the most, and then give him a couple hundred million dollars."

Romney argued it was he, not his apostate rivals.

"This is not the time for us to shrink from suddenly developing conservative principles," the former Massachusetts governor told an enthusiastic audience, pretending not to understand questions about his own credentials.

Lesser-known White House hopefuls also paid lip service to Republican icon Reagan while speaking to right-wing operatives and professional tax-evaders at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference. Senator John McCain (R-AZ), whose stated principles vary from one minute to the next but whose support of the Bush Crime Family has been unwavering, was the only top-tier GOP candidate to skip the event.

A full 10 months before the first primary votes, reactionary conservatives are still searching for a presidential candidate who makes them as gooey inside as George W. Bush once did.

Giuliani, Romney and McCain have attracted some support from within the crucial voting group, but several prominent leaders in the movement have expressed frustration with their inability to pretend to be as sincere as Bush always pretended to be. Some right-wing knuckledraggers don't trust that the trio is as dedicated to fighting for issues they hold dear as they are to getting the nomination at any price.

A fascist serial adulterer and part-time transvestite from New York, Giuliani has moderate stances on social issues when they help him and has been married three times, once to his cousin. Romney is a mealy-mouthed cipher from Democratic-leaning Massachusetts who switched his positions on abortion and gay rights as soon as he began attracting national attention. And McCain has worked on some legislation conservatives hate although he has always caved to the right wing at the last moment. His reputation of bucking the party makes them question his veracity, if only because they don't know where it came from.

Given such discontent, several other candidates without a chance in hell are hoping to emerge as strong challengers by sucking up to the Jesus-freak wing of the GOP base.

"We can't afford to elect people who simply reflect a culture and reflect a common view, but don't necessarily believe it," Mike Huckabee, the former Arkansas governor, told the crowd--in spite of elections in 1968, 1972, 1980, 1984, 1988, 2000 and 2004 which did just that.

Like most of the other speakers, Kansas Senator Sam Brownback--a photogenic wingnut who panders to the religious right--emphasized both fiscal and social conservative views. He drew thundering applause when he held up two large red books, which he identified as the Internal Revenue Service code, and said: "This should be taken behind a barn and gang-raped by field-hands and killed with a dull ax and buried in an unmarked lime pit on an adjoining property."

Attesting to his undeserved popularity, Giuliani took the stage to raucous cheers before a star-struck audience apparently unfamiliar with his history. The hotel ballroom was packed so tight for his speech that fire marshals had to be bribed.

"Ronald Reagan used to say, 'My 80 percent ally is not my 20 percent enemy,'" Giuliani said, a reference, possibly, to the Gipper's willingness to support Central American death squads and negotiate with Islamic terrorists. He tried to pretend that his performance as mayor--on issues such as sucking up to Big Business and keeping the darkies in line--and his leadership qualities override any concerns voters may have about him.

At one point, Giuliani told the crowd that when he became mayor he thought he could reform the city's school system--a remark that prompted laughter from the roomful of privately-schooled legacy-scholarship millionaires and their lackeys.

"OK, I made mistakes. I'm going to admit them and apologize for them," Giuliani said with a grinchly smile and a pointed pause allowing the crowd to howl at this hilarious jibe. It was an apparent reference to Senator Hillary Clinton of New York, the Democratic presidential front-runner who has been criticized for refusing to take the blame for President Bush's decision to invade Iraq.

Romney, for his part, tried to draw sharp distinctions with Giuliani and McCain a day after assailing both.

He called his main wife Ann on stage at the start of his speech. "Mitt and I will be celebrating our 38th wedding anniversary this month," she said--a reminder that McCain and Giuliani have been divorced, like Reagan.

Romney quoted Reagan anyway, saying, "I have seen the conservative future, and it works for me."

You're in the army now

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--The White House and 36 Republican scumbags said Tuesday that President Bush and his fascist buttlicks in the Senate will recklessly kill a 9/11 anti-terror bill if Congress sends it to the White House with a provision to let airport screeners unionize.

"As the legislation currently stands, the president's corporate masters would instruct him to veto the bill," said White House spokesbitch Scott Stanzel.

Senate Republicans swiftly backed up the threat with a pledge by more than enough senators to thwart the will of the American people and block any veto override attempt.

"If the final bill contains such a heinous provision, forcing you as a godly warrior to veto it, we pledge to sustain your veto," they wrote to the president. Big-business dickhead Jim DeMint (R-S.C.) planned to offer an amendment to strip the provision from the bill.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that allowing screeners to unionize would impede the department's quick response to possible threats, such as the sudden appearance of previously unknown airports. Fast redeployment of screeners cannot wait for negotiations, he said.

"Marines don't collectively bargain over whether they're going to wind up, you know, being deployed in Anbar province or in Baghdad," Chertoff irrelevantly told reporters after a briefing with senators. "We can't negotiate over terms and conditions of work that goes to the heart of our ability to move rapidly in order to deal with the threats that are emerging. I mean, can you imagine if the police could unionize? Or firemen? Society would be destroyed."

Chertoff said screeners are as much on the front lines in the war against terror as military troops, except they get to go home after work and nobody's shooting at them and they never consented to be part of a military chain of command and they don't wear uniforms and they can quit if they want.

Casting the provision as a deal-killer is intended to slow the atrophy of Bush's political muscle with the new, Democratic-led Congress on the old battleground of labor rights, which he and his entire class of inbred monarchist millionaire fuckwits oppose with a level of passion they generally reserve for golf, embezzlement, and the Dominican teen sex trade. As a bonus, it could also obstruct talks over how to debate and pass the recommendations of the September 11 Commission long enough to dump the whole problem on the next administration.

For now, most senators are eager to follow the House and pass a bill enacting the commission's recommendations to tighten the nation's security before the Bush Family's Saudi Arabian business contacts figure out how to nuke us.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada and Republican leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky reached a tentative agreement Tuesday to conduct the debate over the next 10 days without the distraction of Iraq, which the president has declared to be none of their goddamn business anyway.

Another old man needs a faceful of birdshot

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Monday morning holiday gibberish

MT. VERNON, VA (AP)--President Bush honored the 275th birthday of the nation's first president on Monday by pretending that similarities exist between George Washington's ultimate victory in the American Revolution and the Bush Crime Family's ongoing catastrophic failure in Iraq.

"Today, we're fighting a new war to defend our liberty and our people and our way of life as colonizers of the Middle East," said Bush, standing in front of Washington's home above the Potomac River.

"And as we work to advance the cause of freedom around the world, we remember that the father of our country believed that our revolution had to be fought here because we couldn't afford to fight it over there."

Bush chose the national Presidents Day holiday to defile Mount Vernon for the first time in his presidency. He and pill-addled first lady Laura Bush helped lay a wreath at Washington's tomb, then the president tried out some new material from a platform on the bowling green lawn of the estate.

"I feel right at home here. After all, this is the home of the first George W. I thank President Washington for welcoming us today. He doesn't look a day over 275 years old," Bush said, his nasty, shit-eating smirk forcing strained, awkward laughter from the assembled buttboys and second-stringers.

Washington was born on Feb. 22, 1732.

"On the field of battle, Washington's insurgent forces were challenging occupation by a foreign army, and the ragged Continental Army lost more battles than it won, suffered waves of desertions, and were kept from disaster only through their rugged determination to be free of the hated occupier at any cost. George Washington's calm hand and determination kept the cause of independence and the principles of our Declaration alive, by simply outlasting and bankrupting his foreign oppressors," Bush raved, speaking to several hundred people who couldn't imagine where he was going with this.