Grand Delusion

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Rudy Giuliani, the fascist former mayor of New York City who learned nothing from the first World Trade Center attack but was nevertheless able to turn 9-11 into his personal cash cow, moved one step closer Monday to a full-fledged campaign to be America's own little Mussolini.

In a sign that he's actually serious about running for the White House, the two-term mayor filed a "statement of candidacy" with the Federal Election Commission, indicating that he would seek the presidency as a Republican should there be any indication that the national party takes him at all seriously.

Unlike major GOP sock-puppets John McCain and Mitt Romney, Giuliani has been somewhat ambiguous about whether he will ultimately pursue the Republican nomination or keep making millions from his private security business, or both.

In recent weeks, Giuliani's mealy-mouthed and equivocal attitude has caused some critics to question whether he would abandon his bid before formally entering the race and seek treatment for prostate cancer instead, as he did in 2000 when he was considering a Senate campaign against Democrat Hillary Clinton.

Perhaps realizing that the Republican field is so pathetic that even he could stand out, Giuliani has started glad-handing cheapjack party bosses in New Hampshire and South Carolina, and arguing that his vision for the future and performance in the past would make him a formidable GOP nominee, especially compared to whackjob non-starters like Sam Brownback and Duncan Hunter.

However slight, the shift in campaign organization is an indication that Giuliani likes the response he's received while traveling the country talking to suck-ups who wish they could keep sucking up to George Bush.

In November, Giuliani took the initial step of creating a committee to explore a candidacy but added the caveat that he was simply "testing the waters"--some weaselly bullshit that allows opportunistic shitheels to collect tons of money without the need to identify donors. At the time, Giuliani also did not file an official statement declaring that he was a presidential candidate, possibly because there were no photographers present.

The steps Monday, including eliminating the phrase "testing the waters," put Giuliani on the same level legally as McCain and Romney, the other delusional has-beens who have formed regular exploratory committees and filed statements of candidacy.

Despite being immensely popular in national polls of people who know nothing about him, Giuliani faces hurdles to securing the Republican nomination state by state. His moderate stances on issues such as gun control, abortion and gay rights will need to be ditched before he can expect to appeal to the hard-core knuckle-draggers who are crucial to the nominating process. His two divorces and his mobster father could be obstacles as well.

But conservatives also aren't entirely sold on McCain, an Arizona senator and craven buttlick who has a hard time staying awake these days, or Romney, the former Massachusetts governor whose only consistent view seems to be that great-looking teeth and hair are important. That could level the playing field for Giuliani, who hopes that primary and caucus voters will somehow get past the stink of Downtown and consider his record of leadership in difficult times, often in drag.

Giuliani was in his final, rancid months as New York City mayor when a pair of planes crashed into the World Trade Center's towers on September 11, 2001. Within hours of the attack, the mayor was advocating the cancellation of city elections and conspiring with the Bush Crime Family to lie about the air quality on Wall Street.