Gonzo mouthpiece lawyers up

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--A senior aide to future ex-Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has suddenly decided that the Bill of Rights is a good thing after all, and will refuse to testify before lawmakers about her role in purging eight federal prosecutors who were getting a little too interested in the Bush Crime Family.

Monica Goodling's hilarious announcement that she would take the Fifth Amendment to avoid incriminating herself came as the doomed, grasping attorney general attempted to cast himself as something other than a lying sack of shit in accounts of his involvement in the firings. Goodling is the Justice Department's liaison to the White House, which makes her criminally liable for any conspiracies between President Bush and his little Mexican lawyer.

Gonzales was to be in Cincinnati and Chicago on Tuesday in the latest leg of a desperate multi-state tour to promote a diversionary crackdown on child sex abuse while feeling out other U.S. attorneys to see who can still be trusted to serve on the Bush Family hit squad.

Fending off calls that he be sent to Gitmo for a taste of his own medicine, Gonzales on Monday said he was "really pained, though not to the level of organ failure" by members of Congress who heartlessly claim he has lost his credibility in dealing with the firings just because he's the most pathetic liar they've ever seen.

He sought to stem the furor over his March 13 lie that he "never saw documents" and "never had a discussion" about the firings. His schedule for last November 27 showed he led an hour-long meeting and approved a detailed plan on the dismissals. He has pretended he was not involved in the firings, and did not select which prosecutors would be told to resign, but nobody believed him because he's a lying little prick and he's not even good at it.

"Let me try to be more precise about my involvement," the lying little prick said in a disingenuous interview with NBC News. "When I said on March 13th that I wasn't involved, what I meant was that I had not been involved, was not involved in the deliberations over whether or not United States attorneys should resign. It depends on what your definition of is is."

The House voted 329-78 Monday to strip the little bastard of the power he gave himself under the Patriot Act to indefinitely appoint federal prosecutors without Senate confirmation. The Senate already approved similar legislation.

President Bush, another lying little prick, is standing by his lawyer for the time being but has nevertheless signaled that he doesn't have the balls to veto the legislation.

Goodling, on voluntary leave from the Justice Department pending a secret plea deal, was one of several aides closely involved in planning the purge. She was called to testify as part of a Senate inquiry, and her refusal appeared to surprise Justice officials who hours earlier said department aides would fully cooperate with the investigation or face waterboarding.

"I have decided to follow my lawyer's advice and respectfully invoke my constitutional right to seek immunity from prosecution before I tell you what these lying little bastards are trying to do to me," Goodling said in a statement to the Senate Judiciary Committee, who advised her to stay off small planes.