Blameless Bush rushes to scene of disaster

BLACKSBURG, VA (AP)--Thrilled at the chance to get some prime-time media exposure without having to answer any snotty questions about his crooked underlings, his incompetent governance or his disastrous war, President Bush said Tuesday that he prays for comfort for those victimized by the "dark turn" of events at Virginia Tech that broke all records in the category of Nation's Deadliest Shooting Sprees.

"Laura and I have come to Blacksburg today with hearts full of sorrow and heads full of Xanax," he mumbled in a six-minute rant at a special convocation on the campus where 33 people, including the suspected gunman, died in two separate shootings yesterday. "This is a day of mourning for the Virginia Tech community and it is a day of sadness for our entire nation. Funny, isn't it? In Baghdad, a body count like this would mean my surge was working. "

Before flying to the tragedy-stricken university in southwestern Virginia to pick up his bonus approval points, Bush ordered flags flown at half staff and instructed his staff to write a proclamation in honor of those killed and wounded, and sign his name.

Speaking to a basketball arena packed with students, gawkers, disaster junkies and a number of freelance private security consultants, the president encouraged grieving students to reach out for help.

"To all of you who are OK, I'm happy for that," Bush said. "You might consider enlisting. To those of you who are in pain or who have lost someone close to you, I'm sure you can call on any one of us and have help anytime you need it. Pussies."

Quoting Scripture, he told those angered by the killings not to be overcome by evil and do something stupid, like America did after 9-11.

"Republicans who have never met you are praying for you," Bush said. "They're praying for your friends who have fallen and who can't get up. There's a power in these prayers, a real power, like holding a gun. In times like this, we can find comfort in the grace and guidance of a loving God. Who talks to me, by the way."

Before the service, Bush received a briefing on the shootings so he could spice up his stand-up with some topical references. Afterward, he did the interviews with NBC, CBS and ABC that were the real reason for the trip.

Bush spoke on a day of raw emotion, which always gives him a tingly feeling. He spoke to students who he said had just lived through the worst day of their lives, although he admitted none of them had been to see his work in Iraq.

"On this terrible day of mourning, it's hard to imagine a time will come when life at Virginia Tech will return to that normal college thing of drinking and date-rape that I remember so well, but such a day will come," Bush said. "And when it does, you can crack one open and drink to the memory of the friends and teachers who were lost in a hail of bullets yesterday, and the time you shared with them before that hail of bullets came, and the lives that they hoped to lead in the absence of that hail of bullets."

In times of tragedy, Americans turn to the president to be the nation's consoler and comforter because we are weak and stupid, and seek out these attributes in our leaders.

Bush rallied the nation several days after the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. One of the most enduring images of his presidency is Bush standing atop a pile of rubble in New York with a bullhorn in his hand, lying his ass off. After Hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast, Bush made repeated trips to the region after it became clear that his administration had finally jumped the shark by revealing its incompetence and cronyism for all to see.

President Clinton went to Oklahoma City in 1995 after the bombing of the federal building there, and his on-the-scene empathy was later viewed by cynical right-wing pundits as the key factor in reviving his presidency and helping him win re-election against his flaccid, bad-tempered, geriatric challenger, Bob Dole.

Bush first spoke about the shootings on Monday afternoon, expressing shock and sadness about the killings from the White House, padded with some NRA-approved remarks about the Second Amendment. He lamented that schools should be places of "safety, sanctuary and learning"--his standard remarks for use after school shootings.