VP to Congress: Fuck you, pay me

BIRMINGHAM (CNN)--Shotgun-toting Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney on Monday blasted "self-appointed strategists" on Capitol Hill for trying to force the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq, declaring that the U.S. military answers to the president, not Congress, and the president answers to no one.

Speaking to a fundraising luncheon for Senator Jeff Sessions, another anti-science dimwit from Alabama, Cheney repeated President Bush's promise to veto an upcoming emergency war-spending bill if it contains anything but the words, "Here's your money, sir!" next to a Harriet Miers-type smiley-face.

"It's time the self-appointed strategists on Capitol Hill understood a very simple concept: You cannot win a war if you tell the enemy you're going to quit," he said.

Bush has repeatedly said that Congress would be to blame for not funding the war effort if he vetoes their bill funding the war effort.

Cheney, the self-appointed vice-president who actually runs the country, said Democrats are trying to push his dancing monkey into accepting "unwise and inappropriate restrictions on our commanders, such as attempting to define the mission in what they call 'words'."

"The fact is that the United States military answers to one commander-in-chief in the White House, whoever that may be, not 535 commanders-in-chief on Capitol Hill," he added. "We expect the House and the Senate to meet the needs of our military on time, in full, and with no strings attached, or I will personally shoot every one of those pricks in the face."

The House and Senate answer to over 100 million American voters who were not available for comment.

He urged Congress to "stop the political theater" and send Bush an acceptable war-spending bill before the Pentagon begins to run low on pallets full of shrink-wrapped bricks of hundred-dollar bills for export to the Mideast.

Meanwhile, the standoff between Congress and the Bush Crime Family over Iraq ratcheted up another notch Monday over war funding.

Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada is joining Senator Russ Feingold of Wisconsin in sponsoring a new Iraq bill that would end the majority of Iraq war funding after March 31, 2008, the day Senate Democrats originally proposed pulling troops out of the Bush-ravaged nation.

The bill would permit spending in only three areas: fighting terrorist groups we've allowed into the country, training Iraqis to fight each other, and protecting the U.S. Embassy and personnel from Iraqis and terrorist groups as they fight us and each other.

Bush Family replacement spokeswhore Dana Perino responded by accusing Democrats of changing their stance on Iraq. "It's almost shifting so fast, it's like a sandstorm," she said, her Cupid's-bow lips pouting sensuously. "A hot, unstoppable force of nature, blinding in its intensity, tearing at my clothes and driving me back, back, back against the immovable wall of the president's unbreakable will."
Perino insisted funding is essential, and received several cash tips before leaving the briefing room.

At the Sessions fundraiser, Cheney said Democrats are essentially telling U.S. troops to "retreat--with no regard whatsoever for the actual conditions on the ground in Iraq."

"When members of Congress speak not of undefined, abstract concepts like Victory but of time limits, deadlines or other arbitrary measures, they're telling the enemy to simply watch the clock and wait us out," he said. "Don't they understand that if we define the mission, we undermine the mission?"

Last week, the Senate approved another $123 Billion for Halliburton on the condition that troops begin redeployment within four months of the bill's passage.

Bush, meanwhile, has petulantly expressed his intention to veto any bill that sets a timetable for withdrawing troops, even if the bill contains vital war money.

Cheney reiterated that threat during his Monday speech, saying that "if either version comes to the president's desk, he will use the veto power, no question about it. He does what I say."

He added, "It's also clear that we've got enough supporters of Halliburton in Congress to sustain a veto, and so it is pointless for the Democrats to continue pursuing this legislation. Just shut up and fucking pay me."