Conyers subpeonas the little bastard's files

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Democrats subpoenaed crooked Attorney General Alberto Gonzales for more documents Tuesday, escalating their fight with the Bush Crime Family over the firings of eight U.S. attorneys for not being corrupt enough.

The subpoena, issued a week before Gonzales is expected to make an ass of himself before Congress, seeks hundreds of documents the little bastard withheld or ordered heavily blacked out. The subpoena sets a Monday deadline for Gonzales to produce the documents, though insiders say his resignation would make an acceptable alternative.

"We have been patient in allowing you to work through your phony concerns regarding the sensitive nature of some of these materials," House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers (D-MI) wrote Gonzales in a letter accompanying the subpoena. "Unfortunately, you have not indicated any meaningful willingness to find a way to meet our legitimate needs, you little bastard."

Conyers characterized the subpoena as a last resort after weeks of negotiations with the little bastard over documents and e-mails the committee wants in its pursuit of whether any of the firings are part of a pattern of undermining the foundations of democracy for personal material gain.

The little bastard's Justice Department mouthpiece, Brian Roehrkasse, stopped short of saying the little bastard knows these documents will fuck him. But he said legal concerns about violating the privacy rights of any of the little bastard's co-conspirators mentioned in the documents have kept Justice from releasing them.

"Because many of our richest criminal fascists could be embarrassed by publicly releasing this information, it is unfortunate that Congress would choose this option," Roehrkasse said. "In light of these concerns, we will continue to work closely with congressional staff to suborn and derail this investigation and we still hope and expect that we will be able to reach an accommodation with the Congress, or something."

Several lawmakers from both parties have said Gonzales' incompetent lies about the firings, along with his delusional interpretations of the Constitution, have undermined their confidence in him, and they want him gone.

Bush has so far stood by the little bastard, who has worked for him for a long time. But the Family may be forced to have him killed.

"I think the Justice Department has been working very hard to be fully responsive to the request without actually complying with it, as the president instructed," White House spokesmodel Dana Perino said Tuesday. "It's very important that the president gets what he wants."

Officials said the House request included the full text of all documents that had been partially or completely blacked out in the Justice Department's initial release of more than 3,000 pages of irrelevant gibberish last month, including some U.S. attorney evaluations which are expected to blow this thing wide open.

Justice officials said the request included an unredacted list ranking the performance and standing of each of the 93 U.S. attorneys. Government officials have previously confirmed that Chicago-based prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, who recently obtained a conviction of Bush Family operative Scooter Libby on four counts of Being A Criminal Douchebag, was ranked as "not distinguished." In addition, the documents being sought include any correspondence with sleazy beltway journalists about the firing.

Democrats say statements by Gonzales and his stooges, three of whom have resigned in hopes of avoiding prosecution, have raised questions over whether the ousters were part of a politically motivated purge of people dangerous to the Family. The administration denies any wrongdoing, as usual.

Gonzales' former chief of staff, Kyle Sampson, told Leahy's committee last month that the firings were a "benign rather than sinister story," but he was lying.