On the Road Again

FT. IRWIN (AP)--President Bush said Wednesday he knows the nation is weary of his illegal, pointless war and wondering if the U.S. can survive another two years of fuckstick diplomacy. Still, he said efforts to pull troops home from Iraq would make the U.S. helpless against an unstoppable invasion by an enemy that is "pure evil."

"The enemy does not measure the conflict in Iraq in terms of timetables, like those cowardly Democrats who are trying to keep you kids from dying in my service," Bush said to soldiers here, who appeared unsure whether to applaud.

"It's a tough war, my toughest yet," Bush said. "The American people are weary of watching this war on TV. They're wondering whether or not we can succeed, or how we'll ever know if we're succeeding, or what the mission is. They're horrified by the suicide bombing they see during those little news breaks they play during Nascar."

Bush used a recent event that never would have happened had he not invaded Iraq--in which insurgents used children to bluff a car through a checkpoint, then blew up the car--to describe why he won't pull back.

"People who do that are not--it's not a civil war, it is pure evil, and it freaks me out. And I believe we have an obligation to protect ourselves from that evil we created, before it comes over here and murders our mothers and fucks all our women with their spiny Arab cocks," he said, shivering visibly.

Bush then left the Mojave Desert for the upscale Brentwood section of Los Angeles. There, at the home of Republican bagman Brad Freeman, he planned to get drunk and demand a couple million bucks for the Republican National Committee before flying to his fake ranch in Crawford, Texas.

Bush is on a six-day break from Washington because Congress won't do what he wants, and it pisses him off.

The first stop was Fort Irwin, home of the U.S. Army's premier desert training center for combat units. Created during the Cold War era of tank warfare, the National Training Center has been redesigned to teach nothing but homemade bomb detection, 24-7.

Before his speech, Bush stood in a dusty, rocky field with nothing to drink at all, as soldiers explained in the simplest possible terms how they detect and disarm Improvised Explosive Devices. Bush operated a remote-control robot, giggling uncontrollably and steering the device straight into a row of news photographers.

Bush is bad-mouthing the House and Senate for passing war-funding legislation which responds to the clear will of the American people and demands a phased withdrawal. He is under the impression that they work for him, just like the rest of us, and urged them to "get off their vacation" and give him his fucking money.

The White House is eager to make a show of urgency even as Bush takes another vacation of his own.

"The president can sign a bill anywhere, anytime, motherfucker," said spokesman Gordon Johndroe.

His schedule calls mostly for drunk time in Crawford through the weekend. He is expected to interview fencing contractors in Arizona and return to Washington on Monday.