Monday, November 06, 2006

Dems fight; GOP desperate

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)—On the eve of midterm elections, Democrats criticized Republicans as failed stewards of a fetid and stinking status quo, while President Bush campaigned well past cocktail hour in a desperate, last-ditch drive to preserve GOP control in Congress so he can stay out of prison.

"They can't run anything right," said former President Clinton, taunting Republicans about the miserable, useless war in Iraq, the horrific aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and the many scandals involving buggery, narcotics, and briefcases full of cash that have complicated GOP efforts to be seen as anything more that the pack of perverted sociopaths they are.

Bush campaigned on Monday from Florida to Arkansas and Texas, carefully avoiding places where people read. But the day brought one more grim reminder of his piss-poor standing in the polls when Republican gubernatorial candidate Charlie Crist blew off the presidential rally in Pensacola to make a speech hundreds of miles away, where he was in no danger of being photographed next to Furious George.

Bush made no mention of the humiliating snub in public, but his flunkies expressed his feeble, drunken rage for him. "Let's see how many people that little faggot gets to show up in Palm Beach on 24 hours notice," said Karl Rove, the White House's top ratfucker.

Some late polls intended to keep power in the hands of the people who give Big Media its tax breaks have suggested momentum was swinging the Republicans' way. Ken Mehlman, the party chairman, told his yesmen and buttboys that the surveys summoned memories of 1998, when the GOP lost seats but held power, and were able to continue harassing President Clinton over a blowjob which resulted in the deaths of thousands of U.S. servicemen and destabilized the Middle East for all time.

"The Democrats want to raise taxes when you're born, when you're working, when you retire and when you die," Bush said in Florida as his audience of redneck peckerwoods and swamp-bred paleo-Christians laughed appreciatively, never suspecting that the joke is on them.

Campaigning in Missouri, Democratic senatorial candidate Claire McCaskill said the president was just lying again. She was in a supermarket meeting voters when one shopper asked her whether she wanted to raise taxes.

"That's a load of shit," she replied. "We're going to cut taxes for the middle class."

She added that previous tax cuts "that just help rich closet cocksuckers like the president should be retargeted to the middle class."

As he has repeatedly and with dwindling coherence done, the president attacked Democrats for having a position on his bungled war in Iraq.

"Oh, they've got some ideas. Some of them say, 'get out right now.' Some of them say, 'get out at a fixed date,' even though the job hasn't been done. One of them said, 'let's move our troops to an island some 5,000 away.'" He seemed at a loss to provide names, but continued ranting for several more minutes.

Clinton, the last legally-elected president, called bullshit on that noise from a stage in Rochester, N.Y.

"On this 'stay the course in Iraq' deal, they say we're the cut-and-run crowd," he said. "These people don't look like cut and run to me," he said, gesturing at Eric Massa, a House candidate and Navy veteran, and former Sen. Max Cleland, who left both legs and an arm in Vietnam and could still kick Bush's ass with his remaining arm tied behind him.

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