Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Tired old man declares candidacy again

MANCHESTER, N.H. (Reuters)--Faced with questions about his incipient senility and rabid support for the clusterfuck in Iraq, John McCain emphasized his decades of experience as a GOP whore in a vain attempt to breathe fresh life into his crippled presidential campaign on Wednesday in New Hampshire.

On a cool, rainy afternoon in the state with the heaviest concentration of Republicans east of Ohio, where the first presidential primary election of 2008 will be held in January, the 70-year-old senator formally launched his bid to succeed the hysterically incompetent and genetically evil George W. Bush as president.

If McCain had a chance in hell of winning, he would be the oldest person ever elected president. Ronald Reagan was 69 when the Bush Crime Family stole the election for him in 1980, and didn't begin to exhibit McCain-style brain damage until his second term.

McCain wore a dark sweater and no tie, in the mistaken belief that it would make him appear less feeble. He has little choice but to confront the age question head on as he takes on a much younger Republican field that includes fascist former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, who has now overtaken him in most national polls, and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who has more money than McCain could count if he lived to be 100.

"We face formidable challenges, I'm not afraid of them. I'm prepared for them. I'm not the youngest candidate. But I am the oldest," he told a crowd of several hundred unemployed Libertarians in Portsmouth.

McCain is trying to recreate the magic of his 2000 campaign, when he beat Bush in New Hampshire by 18 percentage points and then had his bony ass handed to him in South Carolina after a Bush Family telephone push-poll smeared him as a race-traitor for having a brown baby in his house. His bus is still hilariously labeled the "Straight Talk Express," in spite of the senator's increasing reliance on his ability to mutter distractedly out of both sides of his mouth.

Talking to reporters on the ride to Manchester, McCain acknowledged that his age is an issue.

"I've got to show the energy and vitality and strength that is necessary to convince people that I'm ready to go, that I'm ready to serve, so of course it's an issue," he said, before lapsing into a fitful, drooling slumber.

Apart from his age and his inability to remember what his position on any given issue was ten minutes ago, a leading reason McCain's campaign is doomed is his incomprehensible continuing support for the Bush Family's war in Iraq, at a time when most Americans have realized that the whole thing was a hideous, criminal mistake.

"We all know that the war in Iraq has not gone well. We've made mistakes and we have paid grievously for them," he said. "We have changed the strategy that failed us by repeating it, and we're hoping for a different outcome this time."

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

VP: Harry Reid needs to go fuck himself

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Vice President Dick Cheney accused Democratic leader Harry Reid on Tuesday of personally pursuing a defeatist strategy in Iraq just to piss him off--a charge Reid dismissed as President Bush's "rabid, diseased pit bull" lashing out.

The particularly harsh exchange came just hours after Bush said for the hundredth time that he would veto the latest war spending bill taking shape in Congress and then accuse Congress of failing to provide funding.

"Some Democratic leaders seem to believe that blind opposition to my new strategy for staying in Iraq indefinitely is good politics," Cheney told reporters at the Capitol after attending the weekly Republican policy lunch at a Georgetown leather bar. "Senator Reid himself has said that the war in Iraq will bring his party more seats in the next election. What an asshole. As if that matters to me at this point."

"It is cynical to declare that the war is lost because you believe it gives you political advantage," Cheney said. "And it's pointless to pursue a political advantage when you can make billions by simply delaying the inevitable, like us. Harry's just pissed off because I get paid either way."

Cheney said he felt compelled to make a statement in front of cameras to express his withering contempt for Reid after the Senate majority leader told reporters last week the war was lost. Cheney's remarks also showed the high stakes involved for the Bush Crime Family in trying to stave off Democratic efforts to end the war, which has been their best earner every year since Enron collapsed.

While Bush has enough Republican votes to sustain his veto and continue his endless, unwinnable war, Democrats say they have public opinion on their side and that will eventually force Bush to realize there's more to life than stealing the Treasury.

Reid shrugged off Cheney's remarks as the ravings of a criminal psychopath.

"I'm not going to get into a name-calling match with that sick, twisted bastard," he said.

With Democrats expecting to send Bush the final bill as early as next week, Bush stood firm Tuesday against any measure that would threaten the Carlyle Group's bottom line by setting a timetable for withdrawal.

"They chose to make a political statement," he said. "That's their right as liberal pussies, but it is wrong for our troops and it's wrong for our country. To accept the bill proposed by the so-called Democratic leadership would be to accept a policy that directly contradicts the judgment I gave to the military commanders who survived my latest purge."

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer said Democrats will ignore the endless veto threats and send the bill to Bush in the hope that he will wise up and realize he's poisoning the well for Republicans for a generation. But, Hoyer added, they're not holding their fuckin' breath.

Bush said U.S. troops should not be caught in the middle of a showdown between the White House and Congress when he needs them in the crossfire between Shi'ites and Sunnis, protecting his oil.

"Yesterday, Democratic leaders announced that they planned to fund my war only if I agree to handcuff my generals, add billions of dollars of unrelated spending for crap like New Orleans and begin to pull out of Iraq by an arbitrary date," Bush said, drunk on the South Lawn at lunchtime. "Well, fuck that."

He complained that the bill would mandate the withdrawal of troops even though the Family's top man in Iraq, General David Petraeus, has not yet received all the reinforcements he needs to keep the war going. Later, Bush said that Petraeus will know in about four months whether the president's plan to keep extending tours and rotating cripples and punks into the theater is working as planned.

The president refused to discuss what he would do if the answer is no.

"The Plan B is to make Plan A work," he said. "You know, the problem is you start talking about Plan B, that's where everybody defaults. You've got to keep doing Plan A over and over again. That's where the money is."

On Wednesday, Petraeus and other top defense industry whores will try to persuade lawmakers in a private briefing not to set a timetable.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Bush now lying to voters of the future

GRAND RAPIDS, MI (AP)--President Bush said Friday that sectarian murders have dropped by half in Baghdad since he began extending combat tours and sending wounded soldiers back into action, but he was lying. The president also said early signs show the operation to quell violence is meeting expectations, but he didn't say whose.

"There are still horrific attacks in Iraq, such as the bombings in Baghdad on Wednesday, and yesterday and earlier today...well, every day, you could say. In other words, there are still issues. Death is terrible, but the direction of the fight is beginning to shift," Bush said, in his second warped and incoherent rant on terrorism in two days.

Bush spoke at a suburban high school in Michigan to about 500 students and some local VIPs who couldn't believe how lucky they were to have this drunken idiot raving in their gym. Outside, a crowd of Islamofascist dupes of the Democrat party shouted anti-war chants and held signs that said "No blood for oil," "End imperialism now," "Sieg heil Bush" and "Die in a filthy pit, you monarchist fuck."

Bush urged Americans not to be swayed by the violence inflicted by suicide bombers and focus, instead, on American Idol, the Virginia Tech Shootings and the imaginary incremental gains Iraqi and U.S. forces are making in Baghdad. Weapons stockpiles are being seized, extremists are being captured and displaced families are returning home, he said. He did not offer any examples.

"When a family decides to stop depending on militias to protect them or a young man rejects insurgency and joins the Iraqi army, it doesn't usually make the evening news until they get killed," Bush said. "That's what I like to call a liberal bias in the media, see?"

Like most Americans, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) says the war in Iraq is "lost" and can only be won through political and economic diplomatic means. He said the surge is not accomplishing anything. Republicans have pounced on Reid for his comments because they're true, and stooped to accusing him of turning his back on the troops and hurting military morale in Iraq.

Senator Carl Levin, a Michigan Democrat who chairs the Armed Services Committee, defended Reid on Friday. Levin said he agreed the military fight in Iraq cannot be won and that Bush has his head up his ass if he thinks he can force Iraqi politicians to reach a settlement by refusing to say when his army of occupation will leave their country.

Pushing back against Democrats, Bush whined that not all the troops that he ordered in January in another military buildup have arrived. It's too early to assume defeat, he said, almost four years after assuming victory from the deck of an aircraft carrier off San Diego.

"Ultimately, withdrawal would increase the probability that American troops would have to return to Iraq to protect my oil--and confront an enemy that is even more dangerous," Bush said, possibly referring to the Shi'ite theocracy his invasion unleashed in the country.

In past addresses on the war, Bush has worked to paint a rose-colored picture of progress in Iraq by pretending that it exists. This time, he showed the audience in Michigan a photograph of what was left after four large bombs exploded in mostly Shi'ite areas of Baghdad and killed 230 people at a bus stop. He said it had all the "hallmarks of an al-Qaida attack," without acknowledging that it was financed by his Saudi masters.

"We must also expect the terrorists and insurgents to continue mounting terrible attacks," he said, then paused, as if disoriented from having told the truth in public.

After the speech, Bush made an unscheduled stop at the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Museum, where the former president was buried in January. After vomiting in the parking lot, he laid a bouquet of white roses on a stone wall that marks Ford's grave and paused there for a few moments to pay his respects to the man who kept his Daddy's name out of the Warren Commission Report.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Abramoff sinks another crooked wingnut

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--FBI agents have searched the home of Mormon wingnut Representative John Doolittle (R-CA-4) who is under scrutiny over his collusion with convicted GOP bagman Jack Abramoff, Doolittle's attorney admitted Wednesday.

The search last Friday focused on records of Sierra Dominion Financial Solutions Inc., the front company started in 2001 by Doolittle's wife, Julie, in response to her husband's gaining a seat on the House Appropriations Committee. Julie Doolittle, who runs the business from their home and is the only employee, was on retainer for Abramoff from 2002-2004 for "event-planning" work.

The search of Doolittle's home in Oakton, Va., occurred the same day that Kevin Ring, a former Doolittle aide who then went back to work for Abramoff, abruptly resigned his law firm job and attempted to flee to Mexico.

Doolittle--a nine-term conservative from northern California labeled by Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) as one of the "20 Most Corrupt Members of Congress" for 2006--has blamed it all on his wife.

"My wife has been cooperating with the FBI and the Justice Department for almost three years and that cooperation is going to continue in the future," Doolittle said in a statement Wednesday. "I support my wife 100 percent and fully expect that the fix is in."

Sierra Dominion's records also were subpoenaed in 2004 by the grand jury looking into the Abramoff case. Abramoff pleaded guilty in January 2006 to conspiracy, mail fraud and other charges, admitting to bilking his Indian tribe clients out of tens of millions of dollars with promises to influence decisions coming out of Congress and the Interior Department.

Abramoff is squealing like a trapped rat and one former Republican congressman, scumbag Bob Ney of Ohio, is already in prison as a result.

Doolittle called Abramoff a friend and has numerous ties to the lobbyist beyond his wife's work. They include accepting bags of cash from Abramoff, using his sports box and only reporting it as required when caught, and interceding with the Interior Department in Abramoff's Indian tribe scams.

Julie Doolittle was paid $66,690 from September 2002 to February 2004 by Abramoff's front company, Greenberg Traurig. She was hired to work on a March 2003 fundraiser at the Spy Museum in Washington, D.C., but the event was canceled after the invasion of Iraq. Apart from that, no one can say what she did for all that money.

Julie Doolittle also did fundraising for her husband's congressional campaigns until he was forced to hire an outside fundraiser after it was revealed that they were pocketing fifteen percent of all PAC contributions as a "commission."

Julie Doolittle's attorney did not immediately return a call seeking comment. FBI spokesman Rich Kolko declined to comment. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales faces Congress today.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Blameless Bush rushes to scene of disaster

BLACKSBURG, VA (AP)--Thrilled at the chance to get some prime-time media exposure without having to answer any snotty questions about his crooked underlings, his incompetent governance or his disastrous war, President Bush said Tuesday that he prays for comfort for those victimized by the "dark turn" of events at Virginia Tech that broke all records in the category of Nation's Deadliest Shooting Sprees.

"Laura and I have come to Blacksburg today with hearts full of sorrow and heads full of Xanax," he mumbled in a six-minute rant at a special convocation on the campus where 33 people, including the suspected gunman, died in two separate shootings yesterday. "This is a day of mourning for the Virginia Tech community and it is a day of sadness for our entire nation. Funny, isn't it? In Baghdad, a body count like this would mean my surge was working. "

Before flying to the tragedy-stricken university in southwestern Virginia to pick up his bonus approval points, Bush ordered flags flown at half staff and instructed his staff to write a proclamation in honor of those killed and wounded, and sign his name.

Speaking to a basketball arena packed with students, gawkers, disaster junkies and a number of freelance private security consultants, the president encouraged grieving students to reach out for help.

"To all of you who are OK, I'm happy for that," Bush said. "You might consider enlisting. To those of you who are in pain or who have lost someone close to you, I'm sure you can call on any one of us and have help anytime you need it. Pussies."

Quoting Scripture, he told those angered by the killings not to be overcome by evil and do something stupid, like America did after 9-11.

"Republicans who have never met you are praying for you," Bush said. "They're praying for your friends who have fallen and who can't get up. There's a power in these prayers, a real power, like holding a gun. In times like this, we can find comfort in the grace and guidance of a loving God. Who talks to me, by the way."

Before the service, Bush received a briefing on the shootings so he could spice up his stand-up with some topical references. Afterward, he did the interviews with NBC, CBS and ABC that were the real reason for the trip.

Bush spoke on a day of raw emotion, which always gives him a tingly feeling. He spoke to students who he said had just lived through the worst day of their lives, although he admitted none of them had been to see his work in Iraq.

"On this terrible day of mourning, it's hard to imagine a time will come when life at Virginia Tech will return to that normal college thing of drinking and date-rape that I remember so well, but such a day will come," Bush said. "And when it does, you can crack one open and drink to the memory of the friends and teachers who were lost in a hail of bullets yesterday, and the time you shared with them before that hail of bullets came, and the lives that they hoped to lead in the absence of that hail of bullets."

In times of tragedy, Americans turn to the president to be the nation's consoler and comforter because we are weak and stupid, and seek out these attributes in our leaders.

Bush rallied the nation several days after the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. One of the most enduring images of his presidency is Bush standing atop a pile of rubble in New York with a bullhorn in his hand, lying his ass off. After Hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast, Bush made repeated trips to the region after it became clear that his administration had finally jumped the shark by revealing its incompetence and cronyism for all to see.

President Clinton went to Oklahoma City in 1995 after the bombing of the federal building there, and his on-the-scene empathy was later viewed by cynical right-wing pundits as the key factor in reviving his presidency and helping him win re-election against his flaccid, bad-tempered, geriatric challenger, Bob Dole.

Bush first spoke about the shootings on Monday afternoon, expressing shock and sadness about the killings from the White House, padded with some NRA-approved remarks about the Second Amendment. He lamented that schools should be places of "safety, sanctuary and learning"--his standard remarks for use after school shootings.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Warming up the veto crayon

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush, perhaps liberated by the realization that he has nothing to lose, is threatening to veto a Senate intelligence bill that dares to require that the White House and spy agencies be answerable to Congress.

In a policy statement released Thursday, the Bush Crime Family said the bill fails to provide them with unlimited cash, "with sufficient flexibility" to allow them to fabricate the kind of intelligence they need to start wars at will.

Bush issued the only veto of his presidency last year in an attempt to convince anti-science Jesus freaks to keep voting Republican, killing a bill that would have allowed the use of federal money for embryonic stem cell research. But since the Democrats assumed congressional control, Bush has been threatening more often that he will nix legislation just because he can.

Among the provisions in the intelligence bill that the Bush Crime Family rejects:
  • Yearly disclosure of the total amount spent on intelligence. The Family has long argued that releasing the figures would threaten their profit margin.
  • When lawmakers with jurisdiction ask for intelligence assessments and other information, the bill requires spy chiefs to turn the materials over within 15 days. The measure "would foster political gamesmanship and elevate routine disagreements to the level of constitutional crises," the Family promises.
  • A mandate that the White House brief all members of the intelligence committees on extraordinarily sensitive matters--not just congressional and intelligence committee leaders, as was always the practice when Republicans controlled the committees.
  • Required reports on interrogation activities and secret prisons, which the Family says would raise "grave constitutional issues" by revealing their crimes against humanity, and would jeopardize sensitive information that should not be widely distributed, such as that our government is being run by the kind of people who used to be the bad guys in James Bond movies.
  • Creation of a statutory inspector general for Office of the Director of National Intelligence who would have the power to direct watchdogs in any of the 16 spy agencies. The Family says the existing watchdogs are best suited to do the job without "dysfunctional interference," which is how they characterize "oversight."
  • A requirement that the heads of the National Security Agency, National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency and National Reconnaissance Office be subject to Senate confirmation, as well as the CIA's deputy director. The Family calls that unnecessary, which is how they feel about the rule of law in general.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Conyers subpeonas the little bastard's files

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Democrats subpoenaed crooked Attorney General Alberto Gonzales for more documents Tuesday, escalating their fight with the Bush Crime Family over the firings of eight U.S. attorneys for not being corrupt enough.

The subpoena, issued a week before Gonzales is expected to make an ass of himself before Congress, seeks hundreds of documents the little bastard withheld or ordered heavily blacked out. The subpoena sets a Monday deadline for Gonzales to produce the documents, though insiders say his resignation would make an acceptable alternative.

"We have been patient in allowing you to work through your phony concerns regarding the sensitive nature of some of these materials," House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers (D-MI) wrote Gonzales in a letter accompanying the subpoena. "Unfortunately, you have not indicated any meaningful willingness to find a way to meet our legitimate needs, you little bastard."

Conyers characterized the subpoena as a last resort after weeks of negotiations with the little bastard over documents and e-mails the committee wants in its pursuit of whether any of the firings are part of a pattern of undermining the foundations of democracy for personal material gain.

The little bastard's Justice Department mouthpiece, Brian Roehrkasse, stopped short of saying the little bastard knows these documents will fuck him. But he said legal concerns about violating the privacy rights of any of the little bastard's co-conspirators mentioned in the documents have kept Justice from releasing them.

"Because many of our richest criminal fascists could be embarrassed by publicly releasing this information, it is unfortunate that Congress would choose this option," Roehrkasse said. "In light of these concerns, we will continue to work closely with congressional staff to suborn and derail this investigation and we still hope and expect that we will be able to reach an accommodation with the Congress, or something."

Several lawmakers from both parties have said Gonzales' incompetent lies about the firings, along with his delusional interpretations of the Constitution, have undermined their confidence in him, and they want him gone.

Bush has so far stood by the little bastard, who has worked for him for a long time. But the Family may be forced to have him killed.

"I think the Justice Department has been working very hard to be fully responsive to the request without actually complying with it, as the president instructed," White House spokesmodel Dana Perino said Tuesday. "It's very important that the president gets what he wants."

Officials said the House request included the full text of all documents that had been partially or completely blacked out in the Justice Department's initial release of more than 3,000 pages of irrelevant gibberish last month, including some U.S. attorney evaluations which are expected to blow this thing wide open.

Justice officials said the request included an unredacted list ranking the performance and standing of each of the 93 U.S. attorneys. Government officials have previously confirmed that Chicago-based prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, who recently obtained a conviction of Bush Family operative Scooter Libby on four counts of Being A Criminal Douchebag, was ranked as "not distinguished." In addition, the documents being sought include any correspondence with sleazy beltway journalists about the firing.

Democrats say statements by Gonzales and his stooges, three of whom have resigned in hopes of avoiding prosecution, have raised questions over whether the ousters were part of a politically motivated purge of people dangerous to the Family. The administration denies any wrongdoing, as usual.

Gonzales' former chief of staff, Kyle Sampson, told Leahy's committee last month that the firings were a "benign rather than sinister story," but he was lying.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Live from Crawford

CRAWFORD (Reuters)--President George W. Bush once again called on Democrats on Saturday to approve over $100 billion to fund the Iraq war without attaching a troop pullout timetable, while Democrats once again called on him to go fuck himself.

Broadcasting his weekly radio address from the basement kegroom of his fake Texas ranch, Bush continued to whine about the mean old Democrats in control of the U.S. Congress who want to ruin his war, no matter how vociferously he explains to them how the troops want to stay in Iraq until everyone there is dead.

"The bottom line is that Congress' failure to fund our troops in a way that respects my authority will mean that some of our military families could find out that their loved ones died just to help my family and friends get richer," Bush said. "And that is intol... intoleral...unacceptable."

Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean, who was fucked out of his party's presidential nomination in 2004, said it was time for Bush to end his "my way or the highway" bullshit and respect voters who finally elected Democrats based on their opposition to his endless bloodbath.

"It is time for the president and Republicans in Congress to stop trying to bully their way through this and work with Democrats to end the war. It's time for the president to show respect to the American people, who voted overwhelmingly to leave Iraq," Dean said. "Yeeaaaarrgh!" he added.

It was the latest in a daily crossfire over Iraq war funding that seems likely to last until enough Republicans get embarrassed enough by the president's self-righteous petulance and incipient wetbrain to join with Democrats to make the legislation veto-proof.

White House officials believe the public will side with the president even though he's a gack-addled criminal fuckwit with no credibility on Iraq or anything else.

Democrats believe they have the upper hand because congressional elections last November that catapulted them to power were seen as a referendum on the total incompetence of the Bush Administration in general and their egregious handling of the Iraq war in particular.

Stephen Hess, a professor of media and public affairs at George Washington University in Washington, said he could see a scenario in which Democrats will ultimately have to give the little prick his money because Americans will want to "support the troops," which means keeping them in the crossfire until Bush retires to Paraguay in 2009.

"Assuming that neither side overplays its hand, in the game of scissors-cuts-paper, support the troops cuts Iraq dateline," Hess said. He did not explain how you can overplay a hand of scissors-cuts-paper.

Democrats say that's bullshit anyway, because it's the troops they're most concerned about. "Together as Americans we have to stand up for our troops. The best way to do that is to get them out of the middle of a civil war in Iraq," Dean said. "I mean, duh."

Killing in secret since '62

BOSTON (AP)--Officials in the four states where Mitt Romney has lived say the Republican presidential contender, who calls himself a lifelong hunter, never took out a license.

Romney says that's because he has always killed in secret, for his own enjoyment, and the truly rich don't require licenses.

Questions about his hunting activities trailed Romney this week after he attempted to curry favor with the bloodthirsty Republican base by claiming at a campaign stop that he has been a hunter nearly all his life. The next day, his campaign admitted Romney had actually been "hunting" only twice, once as a teenager in Idaho and again last year, shooting caged birds with GOP donors in Georgia.

Romney said the next day that the hundreds of rabbits and other small animals he has habitually killed on the family estate in Utah counts as hunting. Killing certain small animals there doesn't require a license, only a sick twist in your soul.

"The report that I only hunted twice is incorrect," Romney said in a statement issued Friday. "I've killed little animals numerous times, as a young man and as an adult, and I hope to strangle a prostitute some day."

Romney has been criticized for whorishly marketing himself to the rabid Christianist base of the GOP by abandoning his previous moderate positions on issues such as abortion and gay rights. Although he once supported strict gun control measures, he is suddenly in favor of gun ownership rights and has now been a "Lifetime" member of the National Rifle Association since August.

He does not own a firearm, despite claiming to earlier this year.

The former Massachusetts governor issued the statement Friday after The Associated Press asked wildlife officials in Michigan, Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Utah for any documentation verifying Romney had been a registered hunter, and came up with zip. Zilch. Zero. Not a fucking thing.

Romney was born in Michigan, where his daddy was the governor and they lived in the wealthy Detroit suburb of Bloomfield Hills. After completing his undergraduate studies at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, he moved to Massachusetts in 1971. He received a joint law-business degree from Harvard University, launched a successful business career and raised his family. It is not known whether he continued to kill small animals with his bare hands during this time.

Romney and his wife, Ann, have two vacation homes, a lake house in New Hampshire and a ski house outside Park City, Utah. Like the Bush Family, he is rich enough to believe he deserves the presidency, and will do anything to get it.

When he corrected his staff's statement during a news conference Thursday in Indianapolis, Romney said: "I've always been a rodent and rabbit killer, small varmints, if you will." He added: "I began when I was 15 or so and I have killed those kinds of varmints since then. More than two times, believe me. I strangled a squirrel just this morning."

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

On the Road Again

FT. IRWIN (AP)--President Bush said Wednesday he knows the nation is weary of his illegal, pointless war and wondering if the U.S. can survive another two years of fuckstick diplomacy. Still, he said efforts to pull troops home from Iraq would make the U.S. helpless against an unstoppable invasion by an enemy that is "pure evil."

"The enemy does not measure the conflict in Iraq in terms of timetables, like those cowardly Democrats who are trying to keep you kids from dying in my service," Bush said to soldiers here, who appeared unsure whether to applaud.

"It's a tough war, my toughest yet," Bush said. "The American people are weary of watching this war on TV. They're wondering whether or not we can succeed, or how we'll ever know if we're succeeding, or what the mission is. They're horrified by the suicide bombing they see during those little news breaks they play during Nascar."

Bush used a recent event that never would have happened had he not invaded Iraq--in which insurgents used children to bluff a car through a checkpoint, then blew up the car--to describe why he won't pull back.

"People who do that are not--it's not a civil war, it is pure evil, and it freaks me out. And I believe we have an obligation to protect ourselves from that evil we created, before it comes over here and murders our mothers and fucks all our women with their spiny Arab cocks," he said, shivering visibly.

Bush then left the Mojave Desert for the upscale Brentwood section of Los Angeles. There, at the home of Republican bagman Brad Freeman, he planned to get drunk and demand a couple million bucks for the Republican National Committee before flying to his fake ranch in Crawford, Texas.

Bush is on a six-day break from Washington because Congress won't do what he wants, and it pisses him off.

The first stop was Fort Irwin, home of the U.S. Army's premier desert training center for combat units. Created during the Cold War era of tank warfare, the National Training Center has been redesigned to teach nothing but homemade bomb detection, 24-7.

Before his speech, Bush stood in a dusty, rocky field with nothing to drink at all, as soldiers explained in the simplest possible terms how they detect and disarm Improvised Explosive Devices. Bush operated a remote-control robot, giggling uncontrollably and steering the device straight into a row of news photographers.

Bush is bad-mouthing the House and Senate for passing war-funding legislation which responds to the clear will of the American people and demands a phased withdrawal. He is under the impression that they work for him, just like the rest of us, and urged them to "get off their vacation" and give him his fucking money.

The White House is eager to make a show of urgency even as Bush takes another vacation of his own.

"The president can sign a bill anywhere, anytime, motherfucker," said spokesman Gordon Johndroe.

His schedule calls mostly for drunk time in Crawford through the weekend. He is expected to interview fencing contractors in Arizona and return to Washington on Monday.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

VP to Congress: Fuck you, pay me

BIRMINGHAM (CNN)--Shotgun-toting Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney on Monday blasted "self-appointed strategists" on Capitol Hill for trying to force the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq, declaring that the U.S. military answers to the president, not Congress, and the president answers to no one.

Speaking to a fundraising luncheon for Senator Jeff Sessions, another anti-science dimwit from Alabama, Cheney repeated President Bush's promise to veto an upcoming emergency war-spending bill if it contains anything but the words, "Here's your money, sir!" next to a Harriet Miers-type smiley-face.

"It's time the self-appointed strategists on Capitol Hill understood a very simple concept: You cannot win a war if you tell the enemy you're going to quit," he said.

Bush has repeatedly said that Congress would be to blame for not funding the war effort if he vetoes their bill funding the war effort.

Cheney, the self-appointed vice-president who actually runs the country, said Democrats are trying to push his dancing monkey into accepting "unwise and inappropriate restrictions on our commanders, such as attempting to define the mission in what they call 'words'."

"The fact is that the United States military answers to one commander-in-chief in the White House, whoever that may be, not 535 commanders-in-chief on Capitol Hill," he added. "We expect the House and the Senate to meet the needs of our military on time, in full, and with no strings attached, or I will personally shoot every one of those pricks in the face."

The House and Senate answer to over 100 million American voters who were not available for comment.

He urged Congress to "stop the political theater" and send Bush an acceptable war-spending bill before the Pentagon begins to run low on pallets full of shrink-wrapped bricks of hundred-dollar bills for export to the Mideast.

Meanwhile, the standoff between Congress and the Bush Crime Family over Iraq ratcheted up another notch Monday over war funding.

Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada is joining Senator Russ Feingold of Wisconsin in sponsoring a new Iraq bill that would end the majority of Iraq war funding after March 31, 2008, the day Senate Democrats originally proposed pulling troops out of the Bush-ravaged nation.

The bill would permit spending in only three areas: fighting terrorist groups we've allowed into the country, training Iraqis to fight each other, and protecting the U.S. Embassy and personnel from Iraqis and terrorist groups as they fight us and each other.

Bush Family replacement spokeswhore Dana Perino responded by accusing Democrats of changing their stance on Iraq. "It's almost shifting so fast, it's like a sandstorm," she said, her Cupid's-bow lips pouting sensuously. "A hot, unstoppable force of nature, blinding in its intensity, tearing at my clothes and driving me back, back, back against the immovable wall of the president's unbreakable will."
Perino insisted funding is essential, and received several cash tips before leaving the briefing room.

At the Sessions fundraiser, Cheney said Democrats are essentially telling U.S. troops to "retreat--with no regard whatsoever for the actual conditions on the ground in Iraq."

"When members of Congress speak not of undefined, abstract concepts like Victory but of time limits, deadlines or other arbitrary measures, they're telling the enemy to simply watch the clock and wait us out," he said. "Don't they understand that if we define the mission, we undermine the mission?"

Last week, the Senate approved another $123 Billion for Halliburton on the condition that troops begin redeployment within four months of the bill's passage.

Bush, meanwhile, has petulantly expressed his intention to veto any bill that sets a timetable for withdrawing troops, even if the bill contains vital war money.

Cheney reiterated that threat during his Monday speech, saying that "if either version comes to the president's desk, he will use the veto power, no question about it. He does what I say."

He added, "It's also clear that we've got enough supporters of Halliburton in Congress to sustain a veto, and so it is pointless for the Democrats to continue pursuing this legislation. Just shut up and fucking pay me."