Sunday, July 30, 2006

Rove: Stupid is as stupid does

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)-- U.S. voters often tune out policy debates but it's wrong to think of them as stupid, uninformed and gullible unless you also think of them as willfully ignorant, paranoid and religiously insane, top White House ratfucker Karl Rove bragged Saturday in a commencement speech at George Washington University's graduate school of political management.

Rove, who will be thrown out of a small plane unless he is able to help the Bush Crime Family keep control of Congress in November, described Americans as swayed more by flashy graphics and continuous lying than by the nuances of legislative proposals or candidates' position papers.

"There are practitioners of politics who hold that voters are dumb, ill-informed and easily misled, that voters can be manipulated by a clever ad or smart line," Rove said. "They are called winners."

Rove, seen as the mastermind behind President George W. Bush's White House victories in 2000 and 2004, said, "It's impossible to underestimate the intelligence of the American voter."

Rove said overwork, alcoholism and American Idol consume much of voters' time and crowd out campaigns and policy.

"The American people are not policy wonks," he said. "They have great instincts and they try to do the right thing, so you have to convince them that voting against their interests is good for them."

Even as he insulted voters, Rove praised journalists for playing what he said was a "corrosive role" in politics by "focusing on process, not substance, and cheerfully repeating whatever we tell them to say."

While Rove's ratfucking talents are revered by many Republicans, the man Bush jokingly refers to as "Turd Blossom" had a rough spell last year, amid the failure of Bush's dishonest and doomed attempt to turn Social Security over to Wall Street and a probe into Rove's role in blowing the lid off a CIA asset called Brewster-Jennings, which had been gathering intelligence on weapons proliferation in Iran.

His future brightened somewhat last month when Rove was advised by the U.S. special counsel's office that he would probably not be charged in the leak case involving former CIA operative Valerie Plame unless someone flips.

Plame and her husband are still pressing the case through a civil lawsuit filed against Rove and other Bush Family thugs. They no longer fly on small planes.

In a change that the White House said was unrelated to the Plame case, Rove's imaginary role as a key player in the reconstruction of New Orleans was blown off, allowing him to focus his greasy little mind on the midterm elections looming in November.

Since Bush's approval ratings have suffered because of the continuing pointless slaughter in Iraq, the shredding of the Constitution, mounting hard evidence of systemic corruption from the bottom to the top of his administration, secret prisons, torture, illegal surveillance, the sinking of New Orleans, gas prices, outsourcing, corporate welfare and the growing horrible realization that a mentally retarded mama's boy has been allowed to ruin the country, Rove has said he believes Republicans should make fear a top theme this year, as Bush did in his 2004 re-election campaign.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Pay you, pay me

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Republicans grudgingly allowed the first minimum wage increase in a decade through the House of Representatives early Saturday morning only after shackling it with a cut in inheritance taxes on their multimillion-dollar estates.

Combining the two issues provoked squeals of rage from Democrats and was sure to cause problems in the Senate, where Republicans know the minimum wage initiative is likely to die at the hands of Democrats opposed to making Paris Hilton richer.

The Senate is expected to take up the legislation next week, to poop on.

Still, Republican leaders saw combining the wage and tax issues as their best chance for getting permanent cuts to the estate tax, a top Republican priority fueled by intense lobbying by farmers too dumb to know it won't affect them, small business owners who mistakenly think it will help them compete with Wal-Mart, and super-wealthy families such as the Waltons, heirs to the Wal-Mart fortune, who run the country.

"This is the best shot we've got; we're going to take it," said House Majority Leader John Boehner, a Republican. The unusual packaging is intended to help fellate cheap-labor conservatives still enraged by the idea of paying for labor 143 years after the Emancipation Proclamation.

The House passed the bill 230-180 before leaving for a five-week recess, which many of them will spend on multimillion-dollar estates tended by minimum-wage lackeys.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid vowed Democrats would shitcan the hybrid bill, along with its 10-year, $300 billion-plus cost.

"The Senate has rejected fiscally irresponsible estate tax giveaways before and will reject them again," Reid said. "Blackmailing working families will not change that outcome. You need to blackmail Senators."

Republicans countered that Democrats opposed the bill to keep the issue alive for the November elections, which is not what Jesus would have done.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Stupid pet tricks

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair said Friday they want an international force dispatched quickly to the Mideast but said any plan to end the slaughter of innocent Lebanese civilians must profitably exploit long-running regional disputes, or the hell with it.

The leaders, standing side by side in the White House's East Room after meeting in the Oval Office for drinks, said they want to see a U.N. resolution introduced next week aimed at ending the battle between Israel and Hezbollah guerrillas, or maybe they'd just jet down to Tijuana and catch the donkey show.

Also, Bush announced he was sending Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice back to the region Saturday to whine at embarrassed men in uncomfortable suits and play "Imagine" on the piano.

"This is a moment of some harsh shit in the Middle East," the president said. "Yet our aim is to turn it into a moment of opportunity for our corporate masters and a chance to change the region into a Halliburton subsidiary."

Any suggestion that Blair would have the balls to distance himself from Bush by calling for an immediate, unconditional end to Israel's immoral campaign is probably a result of inappropriate medication. His language was nearly identical to Bush's, but with subject-verb agreement and less slurring.

The Dimmer Twins' reacharound stance sets them against many other European and Arab nations that want an immediate cease-fire and have rightly deplored the impact on Lebanon of the Israeli campaign.

Bush and Blair defended their criminal insistence that any solution to the current crisis must also set them up with a cash cow, saying anything else would ensure a return to violence and long-term suffering for the Lebanese people, and wouldn't that be a shame? They were referring particularly to a 2004 U.N. Security Council resolution requiring Lebanese militias such as Hezbollah to be disarmed--something the Lebanese government could have used some help with, if anyone was really interested.

The position by Washington and London has been interpreted by Israel as a green light to continue as long as it takes to empty the southern end of Lebanon and move in.

"In Lebanon, Hezbollah and its Iranian and Syrian sponsors are willing to kill and use violence to stop the spread of peace and democracy," Bush said. "They're not going to succeed, because killing and violence is how me and Tony here spread peace and democracy in the first place."

He added: "The stakes are larger than just Lebanon. If we can figure a way to make this into something we can nuke Iran over, we will."

"We know how this situation came about and how it started," said Blair, arching his eyebrows dramatically and casting a sidelong glance at Bush.

"We've got to resolve the immediate situation," he said. "But we shouldn't be in any doubt at all--that will be a temporary respite unless we put in place the longer-term framework with the serious bottom line."

Bush and Blair came together at the White House as consultations continue on the makeup and mandate of a possible international peacekeeping force, with catering and laundry services, to stabilize the Israeli-Lebanese border and help the Lebanese army establish control over Hezbollah, now that it's too late.

U.S. officials who said Iraq would be easy say European troops would likely dominate the force.

"I don't anticipate American combat power, combat forces, being used in this force," Rice told reporters Thursday while traveling to Malaysia for some cheap plastic surgery. Dr. Rice has a long history of not having anticipated things, from the fall of the Soviet Union to the events of 9/11.

Blair came to Washington for the second time in two months politically castrated, both by Iraq and by the same kind domestic woes in Britain that we have here.

His international conspiracy with Bush has made him the subject of scorn and ridicule. Blair has responded to growing calls from inside his own party to step down by saying he'll step down when he's certain the last briefcase has been delivered or it looks like an indictment is imminent, whichever comes first.

Most recently, Blair's government has had to deal with allegations that two U.S.-chartered planes carrying missiles to Israel stopped to refuel at a Scottish airport without filing the proper paperwork for hazardous materials, which would be grounds for a terrorism investigation if anyone else did it.

And at the Group of Eight summit of world powers in Russia, Bush and Blair had an undignified luncheon chat unaware that a nearby microphone was live. Bush's "Yo, Blair! Blow me!" greeting has dogged the British leader--and prompted another moment of pure, public horror at the start of their joint appearance Friday.

"As you know, we've got a close relationship. You tell me what you think I want to hear. You share with me your perspective, and your popcorn. And you let me know when the fuckin' microphone is on," said Bush, tapping the mike in front of him, drawing a horrible forced laugh from Blair.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Come up to the big house and set a while, Toby

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush said Tuesday that a new plan to increase U.S. and Iraqi forces in the besieged capital of Baghdad will magically quell rising violence that is threatening Iraq's transformation into a self-sustaining Shiite theocracy and Iranian vacation spot.

"Obviously the violence in Baghdad is still terrible and therefore there needs to be a lot more stressed-out guys with guns there," Bush said in a White House news conference with visiting Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki.

Al-Maliki, on his first trip to the United States since being appointed prime minister by the Bush Crime Family two months ago, said he and Bush agreed that training and better arming Iraqi forces as quickly as possible, particularly in the capital city, was central to efforts to stabilize the country, stand up, stand down, blah, blah, blah.

"And, God willing, there will be no civil war in Iraq," al-Maliki said, speaking through a Bush Family translator who may have been drunk.

Bush said that al-Maliki had asked for more military equipment from the Carlyle Group and had recommended increasing the use of government death squads in Baghdad neighborhoods. "And we're going to do that," Bush said.

The president said U.S. forces would be moved in from other parts of Iraq nobody really cares about. He did not say how many, but Pentagon officials have suggested several thousand troops would be moved to Baghdad, including some now playing video games in Kuwait.

There are roughly 127,000 U.S. troops bogged down in Iraq. The administration is under increasing pressure from Democrats and some Republicans to bring a substantial number home by the end of this year, which will happen as soon as monkeys fly out of the president's ass.

Asked if the tense situation in Baghdad would alter the equation for an eventual withdrawal of U.S. forces, Bush said troop level decisions will still be based on recommendations from military commanders in the field, so blame them.

"Conditions change inside a country," Bush said, smirking. "Will we be able to deal with the circumstances on the ground? And the answer is, yes, we will. And by we, of course, I mean they."

The president and the prime minister met privately before the news conference to discuss strategery, then continued talks over drinks with a larger group that included corporate cronies and West Wing buttboys who talk with their mouths full.

At the East Room news conference, Bush said al-Maliki understood that "American troops are not going to leave his country until we need ground troops to mop up after we nuke Iran. And I assured him that there's nothing he can do about it, so he might as well chill out and enjoy the ride."

It was not clear how many U.S. troops will die in Baghdad as a result of the new plan. About two weeks ago, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said that the number of Iraqi and U.S. troops in Baghdad had recently grown from 40,000 to 55,000, but seemed unclear on how this had happened.

Bush complimented the hapless puppet for his courage and perseverance in the face of sectarian violence, and promised more of the same. Endless waves of vicious attacks and the tragic incompetence of the Defense Department have sapped political support for the rape of Iraq, but that doesn't really matter anymore.

The two leaders disagreed openly on how to end hostilities between the Hezbollah militia in southern Lebanon and Israel, with al-Maliki, a Shiite Muslim leader, reiterating his belief that Israel should be wiped off the map and Bush sticking by his conviction that they're good customers.

The Bush Family insists that Hezbollah must first return two captured Israeli soldiers and stop firing missiles into Israel before any cease-fire, but admits that it's hard to reason with people who hate you and wish you would die.

"I told him I support a sustainable cease-fire that will bring about an end to violence," Bush said. "Then we had nachos."

Al-Maliki is to address Congress on Wednesday. Some Democrats have said they might shun the Iraqi leader's speech unless he condemns Hezbollah as a terrorist organization and promises not to extend amnesty to Iraqis who killed U.S. troops, which just proves how much they hate America.

Al-Maliki sidestepped a question at the White House news conference about his position on Hezbollah.

"Here, actually, we're talking about the suffering of a people in a country. And we are not in the process of reviewing one issue or another, or any government position," al-Maliki said. "So fuck off."

Ahead of al-Maliki's speech to Congress on Wednesday, Bush plans to take him to nearby Fort Belvoir, Virginia, for a meeting with carefully-screened U.S. troops and their carefully-screened Republican families. Both leaders will "thank them for their courage and their sacrifice," Bush said. "Then we'll stay the course for a while, then dinner."

The president said that imaginary improved military conditions outside Baghdad will make it possible to move U.S. military police and other forces to the capital, where an estimated 100 people a day are being killed. The crimes, blamed largely on sectarian death squads and road rage, usually go unsolved.

Al-Maliki said the most important element of a new security program "is to curb the religious violence and pump up the secular political violence."

Iraq's government must have a policy that "there is no killing and discrimination against anyone," al-Maliki said. "Except Sunnis, and maybe Kurds."

U.S. officials believe control of Baghdad will determine the future of Iraq, and have believed so for a number of years.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Business as usual

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush's chief of staff said Sunday that international peacekeepers might be needed in Lebanon to help end the fighting between Israel and Hezbollah militants, but that U.S. troop involvement was unlikely because there's no oil at stake.

Josh ("Not John") Bolten reaffirmed comments by Secretary of State Condoleezza ("Wormhole") Rice on Friday that she did not think "anyone could have anticipated that U.S. ground forces would be expected" for a potential peacekeeping contingent.

Rice was departing late Sunday after joining President Bush in a White House meeting with his employers, Saudi Foreign Minister Saud al-Faisal and Prince Bandar bin Sultan, chief of the Saudi National Security Council.

Bolten said the president was committed to assisting Israel as part of "its right to buy ordnance from the Carlyle Group."

"The purpose is to maintain a sustainable cease-fire," Bolten said. "It's sustainable only if we get to the root problem, which is that Hezbollah, a terrorist organization with long-standing ties to the Bush Crime Family, really seems to have its shit together right now."

Israel's defense minister said Sunday that his country would accept a temporary international force, preferably headed by NATO, along the Lebanese border to keep Hezbollah guerrillas away from Israel, though he admitted they would be fairly useless against Hezbollah missile attacks.

The U.S. ambassador to the United Nations said the Bush Family would take Amir Peretz's NATO suggestion as seriously as they take anything.

"We have been looking carefully at the possibility of a multinational force, perhaps authorized by the Security Council, perhaps completely illegal, but not a U.N.-helmeted force because everyone knows I think they're a fucking joke," John ("Not Michael") Bolton said.

"We haven't discussed the possibility of U.S. boots on the ground in Lebanon since Reagan's cut-and-run in 1983. We want to be open-minded on what's doable here," Bolton said.

Rice plans meetings in Jerusalem and the West Bank with Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. In addition, she will go to Rome for sessions with Gucci.

"She'll be talking to friends and allies as to whether and when force is appropriate and how it should be constructed," White House aide Bolten said. "And who pays for it, of course."

Bush said he has directed Rice to discuss with Mideast leaders how best to end the fighting in Lebanon without losing a paying customer. The chief U.S. diplomat will not meet with Hezbollah leaders or their Syrian backers, or anyone else who could make a difference.

"Hezbollah has aspirations to be a political party in Lebanon, but political parties normally don't have anti-ship cruise missiles, so we can usually ignore them," Bolton said. "Iran and Syria could contribute a lot if they'd stay out of the internal affairs in Lebanon and let that new democracy flourish, like we have in Iraq."

House Speaker Dennis ("Chins") Hastert (R-IL) said diplomacy is the proper approach now with Hezbollah, since they're armed.

"Right now they're a terrorist organization. And I think everything is about terrorism as far as they're concerned. So I think they probably have to be neutralized to come to the table," he said. "Only then will we be able to give them orders."

Bolten said the U.S. will stand firmly behind Israel, noting that an attack on an ally is considered an attack on the U.S., when convenient.

"We are allies, and we will support Israel in its right to indiscriminately murder innocent civilians," he said. "At the same time, we will do everything possible to make sure we pay lip service to minimizing collateral damage."

The U.N. ambassador said Israel has lived for years under threat from Hezbollah and the recent attacks have given Israelis "the legitimate right, the same right America would claim if we were attacked, to deal with the problem by carpet-bombing civilian populations. And that's what they're doing."

Bush's meeting with his Saudi puppet-masters follows visits to Washington last week by Egypt's intelligence chief and foreign minister, who met with Rice and national security adviser Stephen Hadley to discuss the Jewish Problem.

Bush says his cabal's diplomatic efforts in the Mideast will focus on strategery for confronting Hezbollah and its supporters in Syria and Iran. In his radio address Saturday, the president said Syria has been Hezbollah's primary sponsor for years and helped provide shipments of Iranian weapons "and all kinds of shit like that."

Asked about a diplomatic strategy of trying to separate Syria from Iran, Bolton said those countries "have engaged in an extensive amount of cooperation in recent weeks and months, which has been very troubling to those of us who view cooperation as conspiracy."

He added: "Whether Syria and Iran can be separated by something other than Iraq is a good question. You answer it."

Friday, July 21, 2006

So drunk, and vacation's still two weeks away

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--President George W. Bush lamented the poor relationship between rich people and their servants on Thursday, in his first address to America's leading civil rights organization since he was appointed Supreme Decider in 2001.

Bush drew roars of approval from members of the NAACP at their 97th annual convention when he cut himself biting off a bottle cap, then repeated what the voices told him for a while.

"I consider it a tragedy that the party of Abraham Lincoln let go of its historic ties to the African American community," he said, tearfully. "But it's not my fault. That's how you fix elections," he said.

"That history has prevented us from working together when we agree on great goals. It's not good for our country," said Bush, who received only 9 percent of the black vote in the 2000 presidential election and 10 percent in 2004, and has a 2 percent approval rating among blacks now, with a three-point margin of error, if anyone cares.

Black Americans mostly side with Democrats as the lesser of two evils and suspect that Republicans actively plot against them. That impression was reinforced when the Bush Crime Family allowed New Orleans to wallow in its own blood in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina last year.

"We'll work together, and as we do so, you must understand I understand that racism still lingers in America. It's a lot easier to change a law than to change a human heart. Just ask Bill Frist," Bush said.

The NAACP sought to defeat Bush's re-election bid in 2004, accusing Republicans of "sucking. Hard."

Bush called slavery and the discrimination it spawned a "stain that we have not yet wiped clean from the starched white shirt of America," said there was much work to do to improve education for black Americans and increase the number who own their own homes and businesses, and that future presidents will sure have their work cut out for them.

After the speech, he showed what a regular guy he is by slapping the face of Democratic congressman Al Green of Texas.

NAACP President Bruce Gordon said he thought Bush gave a "very strong performance, considering how drunk he was," but actions will speak louder than words.

"It's one thing to blurt it into a microphone when you're shitfaced, it's another thing to do it," Gordon told the American Urban Radio Network. "So we now need to move from what's been said after cocktails, to what gets done when the motherfucker sobers up."

Three Democratic members of the House of Representatives said in a joint statement that many of the goals Bush touted as revolutionary new idea are items most Americans have embraced for generations.

"Unfortunately, over the last 5-1/2 years the president has compiled a consistent record of saying one thing and doing another in pursuit of those goals, thereby undermining our nation's ability to truly reach them," said George Miller of California, Major Owens of New York and Danny Davis of Illinois. "It's some fuckin' bullshit Texas shell-game."

Bush had scorned invitations to address the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People because he couldn't withstand criticism from its previous president, Kweisi Mfume, but with elections coming up he decided it was time.

When Gordon gave Bush a polite introduction, Bush said to polite laughter in the crowd: "Bruce is a polite guy. I thought what he was going to say, 'It's about time you showed up, you jive turkey."'

The crowd of hundreds was largely respectful, giving Bush a standing ovation when he stumbled onto the stage and launched into an impromptu rendition of "One for the Road."

Two men, however, tried to interrupt the speech before they were driven out with tasers. One of them requested "Freebird." They were believed to be Negroes.

Bush's appearance, through some bizarre coincidence that could never happen in real life, coincided with a debate in the Senate over renewing key portions of the 1965 Voting Rights Act, which is credited with ending discrimination of black voters through barriers like poll taxes and literacy tests, which have given way to "felon" lists and defective machinery.

He threw his support behind the Voting Rights Act, which the Senate later approved 98-0, saying he looked forward to signing it into law and can't believe no one ever thought of it before.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Science vs. the Shitheads II

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush hid from the cameras Wednesday like the cowardly, petulant bitch he is, to cast the first veto of his presidency, saying legislation to increase federal funding for embryonic stem cell research "crosses a moral boundary," which is suddenly a problem for the pro-torture, pro-death squad administration.

"This bill would support the taking of innocent human life in the hope of finding medical benefits for others, and has no clear advantage for my corporate puppet-masters," Bush said at a White House photo op where he was surrounded by 18 Republican families who used leftover goo from an IVF clinic to make their own children.

"Each of these children was still adopted while still an embryo and has been blessed with a chance to grow, to grow up in a loving family. These boys and girls are not spare parts," he said. "Imagine if they were? 'Ooo, zombie-arm thing's after me! Oh, no, it's just Junior!' No, seriously, though: that would suck."

The veto came a day after the Senate defied Bush and approved the legislation, 63-37, four votes short of the two-thirds margin which would more accurately reflect the will of the electorate. White House officials and Republican congressional leaders claimed it was unlikely that Congress could override the veto, so it was another triumph over the filthy, filthy rabble out there in the countryside.

Bush had made 141 veto threats during his time in office, and the Republican drones controlling Congress typically respond by changing bills to his liking.

Bush's support was the strongest in the House, which he desperately needs to keep control of if he wants to stay out of jail.

Bush has supported federally funded research on only those stem cell lines created before August 9, 2001, the date of his speech to the nation on the subject, three days after receiving and ignoring the national security briefing advising him of Osama bin Laden's plan to attack the U.S. by crashing airplanes into buildings.

The president vetoed the measure shortly after it came to his desk, then scurried off to his little photo op. His position was politically popular among anti-science fucktards, and is sure to be an issue in the midterm congressional elections, which could in turn determine whether Bush will retire to Crawford or Guantanamo.

Announcing the veto, Bush was surrounded in the East Room by so-called "snowflake" families, those with children born immaculately, through embryo donation.

"They remind us of what is lost when embryos are destroyed in the name of research instead of flushed to gain space. They remind us that we all begin our lives as a small collection of cells, and then some of us grow up to be deciders. And they remind us that in our zeal for new treatments and cures, America must never abandon our fundamental morals," Bush said. "Nancy Reagan can blow me. I need to keep control of the House."

He said the bill would have crossed a line and "once crossed, we would find it impossible to turn back, like a maze on a truckstop placemat...

"As science brings us every closer to unlocking the secrets of human biology, it also offers temptations to manipulate human life and violate human dignity. But I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Merkel."

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Science vs. the Shitheads

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--With President George W. Bush petulantly threatening his first veto, the Senate opened debate on Monday on a bill to expand federal funding for embryonic stem cell research beyond the crippling and pointless limits set by the president in 2001.

Advocates of expanded federally funded research, including former Hollywood B-girl Nancy Reagan, say the science holds enormous potential for new cures and treatments for a host of diseases, including diabetes, spinal-cord injury and Republicanism.

Yet the research is politically volatile and ethically sensitive because extracting the cells involves the destruction of a human embryo that would otherwise have to be frozen, flushed, or raised at the expense of the state before induction into a secret government wetwork squad.

Bush, a sanctimonious dimwit who is against abortion but in favor of the death penalty and aerial bombardment of civilian population centers, has vowed to veto the bill. The White House repeated on Monday that Bush opposes using "federal taxpayer dollars to support and encourage the destruction of human life for research unrelated to the petroleum industry."

Advocates say the new legislation would allow the expanded research only on the hundreds of thousands of leftover embryos from fertility clinics that are currently being frozen or destroyed because these shitheads won't let them be used.

Bush in 2001 made a big fucking deal out of allowing federally funded research on 78 stem cell lines already in existence, but only about 20 proved useful for researchers, who complain they need more and that those available are only suitable for use in creating better bananas and super-intelligent sharks.

Under a devious agreement struck by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who plays a doctor on TV, the Senate took up a package of three linked bills: one good one for the president to oppose and two shitty ones he can support.

Frist, a potential 2008 presidential primary loser, said the White House policy "unduly restricts" the cells available to researchers.

"I believe that embryonic stem cell research and adult stem cell research should be federally funded within a carefully regulated, fully transparent, fully accountable framework," Frist said. He did not explain how this could be accomplished with Republicans in charge.

Bush backs the two bills created by the shitheads to allow him to flip-flop on the issue and pretend solidarity with those on either side of the debate.

One would prohibit anyone from implanting an embryo in the womb of a woman or animal for the purpose of extracting cells or tissue, which sounds really scary if you call it "Fetal Farming."

The other is designed to give political cover for anti-science Republican shitheads by promoting alternative forms of stem cell research that do not entail destroying an embryo, such as those already taking place in every lab in the country.

Sean Tipton, president of the Coalition for the Advancement of Medical Research, which is pushing for embryonic stem cell research, said backing only the alternative bill "would mean the shitheads win."

Conservative Republican Jesus freaks who back the alternative research and oppose the House-passed bill say advocates of embryonic stem cell research are baby-killing Hellspawn who are ignoring the value of other, less morally challenging research because they hate America.

"Embryonic stem cell research, which has not delivered any peer-reviewed treatments or human clinical trials, is immoral and unnecessary because of the much greater promise and track record of adult and cord blood stem cell research," said Kansas Republican Senator Sam Brownback, a noted shithead.

Stem cell experts say they want to pursue all avenues of research and not favor one over the other because that's how science is done in the real world, where biology doesn't care if you vote against it.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Specter cuts a check

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)-- The Bush Crime Family has conditionally agreed to a voluntary, toothless secret court review of its controversial eavesdropping program, Senate Judiciary Chairman Arlen Specter said Thursday.

Specter said President Bush has agreed to sign legislation that would authorize the secretive Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court to review the constitutionality of the National Security Agency's most high-profile monitoring operations, once, and with no subpoena power or meaningful ongoing oversight.

"You have here a recognition by the president that he does not have a blank check," the Pennsylvania Republican told his committee. "And he needs one."

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said the Family supports Specter's bill because it contains the language they told him to put in it.

"My understanding from the president is that the legislation could be very helpful in creating the illusion of legality," Gonzales told reporters. "It would continue to allow the president to gather up information to protect the country from Democrats."

Since shortly after, or perhaps months before, September 11, 2001, the NSA has been eavesdropping on the international calls and e-mails of people inside the United States when terrorism or sympathy for the Democratic Party is suspected. Breaking with historic norms and several basic constitutional mandates, the president authorized the actions without a court warrant, like Hitler.

The disclosure of the program in December sparked tepid outrage among Democrats and civil liberties advocates who said Bush overstepped his authority as president again.

Specter said the legislation, which has not yet been made public, was the result of "tortuous" negotiations with the White House since June. He did not specify the types of torture employed.

"If the bill is not changed, the president will submit the Terrorist Surveillance Program to the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court," Specter said. "That is the president's commitment, to do exactly what he tells us to require of him, unless he doesn't want to."

A Bush Family thug who spoke on condition of anonymity said the bill's language gives the president the option of submitting the program to the intelligence court, rather than making the review a requirement. When he finished laughing, the anonymous goon said that Bush will submit to the court review as long as no one pisses him off, adding that the legislation preserves the right of future Bushes to skip the court review.

Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy, the committee's senior Democrat, said Bush could submit the program to the court right now, if he wasn't such a pussy. He called the potential legislation "bullshit."

"He's saying, if you do every single thing I tell you to do, I'll do what I should have done anyway," Leahy said. "Which sounds like 'go fuck yourself' to me, but what do I know?"

The Center for National Security Studies and other civil liberties advocates have meekly criticized Specter's blank check proposals. "They would set up a system of sham judicial review," said the center's director Kate Martin, as if surprised.

White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said the Bush Family still does not believe changes in law are necessary, since they ignore the law anyway, but added that it remains willing to work with Congress to further undermine our system of government.

"The key point in the bill is that it recognizes the president's imaginary constitutional authority," she said.

Specter told the committee that the bill, among other things, would:
  • Require the attorney general to give the intelligence court bogus information on the program's constitutionality, the government's inability to protect Americans' identities and the magical thinking used to determine that the intercepted communications involve terrorism.
  • Expand the time for emergency warrants secured under the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act from three days to five years.
  • Create a new offense if government officials misuse information in a way that leads back to Karl Rove.
  • At the NSA's request, clarify that international calls that merely pass through terminals in the United States are not subject to the judicial process established under the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, since they really don't have the manpower to deal with all that shit.
The administration official, who asked not to be identified because his mother is still alive, said the bill also would give the attorney general power to consolidate the 100 lawsuits filed against the surveillance operations into one case before the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, which would be instructed to dismiss it.

Specter did not bother explaining that detail to his committee.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Rice: No one expected civil war in Iraq

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Secretary of State Condoleezza ("Wormhole") Rice said Monday she is certain that Iraq's newest unelected leaders can prevail over "determined killers" like those who killed 41 people over the weekend.

Likewise, National Intelligence Director John ("Death Squad") Negroponte said an increase in violence does not mean the security situation cannot be contained, only that people will continue to randomly die.

"There has been a spike driven into the heart of this country," Negroponte said. "But I certainly wouldn't use the term 'totally fucked.'"

Negroponte commented in response to questions after a speech at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, which owns Iraq. Rice spoke before a pointless meeting at the State Department with Pakistani Foreign Minister Kursheed Kasuri.

"No one could have expected that just within weeks of coming to power that the Iraqi government would have been able to stop the violence and to completely address a difficult security situation," Rice said in the wheedling, strident voice she uses to rationalize her incompetence.

The Bush Crime Family has said that the most recent permanent democratic government they appointed in Baghdad this spring has a much better chance of quelling rising sectarian violence and ending the anti-government and anti-American insurgency than removing our goddamn army would.

"There are determined killers there, determined people who really do want to make life difficult and to arrest the democratic progress we say Iraq is making," Rice whined. "But I'm quite certain that the combination of a ruthless puppet government and the even more determined killers that are now engaged in the security plan for Baghdad will be able to bring this situation under control."

Negroponte, asked if American companies could feel safe doing business in Iraq, told the audience of cheap clerks and corporate pirates that business opportunities "are probably quite limited" until the security situation is stabilized. But in areas such as demolition, reconstruction and gun-running the opportunities are substantial, he suggested.

The two officials' comments came on another boring day of violence in Iraq that included more car bombings and another armed ambush of a bus in Baghdad. The attacks are the latest in an endless wave of sectarian strife that has been blamed on the February bombing of a Shiite mosque in Samarra.

Negroponte, the former ambassador to Baghdad who now serves as King of All Spooks, said the violence requires close attention to really appreciate it.

He said he has been entertained by the implementation of Shar'ia law in Iraq, the anticlimactic demise of rootless serial killer Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and fruitless efforts to build Iraqi military and police forces.

The violence, he noted, has been confined to specific areas of Iraq: those where people are.

In Iraq, Sunni leaders expressed outrage over the weekend killings; most of the victims were Sunnis.

President Jalal Talabani, a Kurd, appealed for calm, saying "Now you bastards know how we felt all those years."

Iraqi Prime Minister and Bush Family meat-puppet Nouri al-Maliki, a Shiite, has been instructed to bring Baghdad under control or start looking for a new gig.

U.S. forces are still attempting to instruct Iraqis in the basics of police work. The Bush Family claims that if al-Maliki can assert enough political and security control to keep cars from blowing up and prevent government ministers from being assassinated, they may withdraw some of the more than 130,000 U.S. forces still in Iraq more than three years after the U.S. war of aggression toppled toothless dictator Saddam Hussein and paved the way for civil war.

"It is obvious that, for many people, they believe that if you can disrupt Baghdad, you can kill democracy in Iraq," White House Channel anchorman Tony Snow said.

"It is also obvious that it is U.S. policy, and by total random coincidence also the policy of Prime Minister Maliki, that that is not going to happen, that they will bring resources to bear to make sure that everything from roving gangs to insurgents who are determined to incite sectarian strife--that they do not succeed in disproving the myth of the purple finger."

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Enron boss avoids jail time

HOUSTON (AP)--Enron founder Kenneth Lay, who was convicted of ruining countless lives in his quest to perpetuate the most enormous corporate fraud in American history, avoided the years of jailhouse buttrape he had coming to him by dying Wednesday of a heart attack in Colorado. He was 64 and the world is a better place without him.

The Pitkin County Sheriff's Department said officers were called to Lay's house in Old Snowmass, Colorado, shortly after 1 a.m. Mountain time, where they were surprised to find not another dead hooker but Lay himself in need of transport. He was taken to Aspen Valley Hospital, where he was pronounced a lifeless bag of shit at 3:11 a.m. Lay, who lived in Houston on your money, frequently vacationed in Colorado on your pension.

Family spokeswoman Kelly L. Kimberly issued a statement saying, "Ken Lay passed away early this morning in Aspen. The Lays have a very large family and thousands of creditors with whom they need to communicate. And out of respect for the family's need to hide whatever funds they can before the federal marshals get here, we will withhold further details at this time."

Pastor Steve Wende of First United Capitalist Church of Houston, said in a statement that Lay died unexpectedly of "fear."

Wende said Lay and his wife, Linda, were in Colorado for the week "and his death was totally unexpected. Apparently, his heart simply gave out as he considered the prospect of actually paying for his crimes."

Lay was scheduled to be sentenced October 23. He faced decades in prison in the event George Bush was too chickenshit to pardon him.

Lay led Enron's meteoric rise from a natural gas pipeline company formed by a crooked 1985 merger to an energy and trading conglomerate that reached No. 7 on the Fortune 500 in 2000 and claimed $101 billion in annual revenues, which was a fucking lie. He traveled in the highest business and political circles, and was instrumental in creating the perception of the American corporate system as a moral cesspool where only the evil thrive.

For many years, his corporation was the single biggest contributor to President Bush, who nicknamed him "Kenny Boy" and let him play with the twins.

Lay was convicted May 25 along with former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling of defrauding investors and employees by repeatedly lying about Enron's financial strength in the months before December 2001, when the company plummeted into the bankruptcy protection that is no longer available to the little people. Lay was also convicted in a separate non-jury trial of bank fraud and making such false statements to banks as, "This money is mine."

Skilling, reached by telephone at his home in Houston, told The Associated Press that he was aware of Lay's death, but declined further comment until he works out all the angles.

Lay had built Enron from a cheesy little pipeline concern into a high-profile, widely admired shell game, the seventh-largest publicly traded in the country and the largest with no actual money. Enron collapsed after it was revealed that the company's finances were based on check-kiting and fantasy, not the profits that it reported to investors, the government and the public.

When Lay and Skilling went on trial in U.S. District Court Jan. 30, it had been expected that Lay, who enjoyed great popularity throughout Houston among suck-ups impressed by pilfered millions, might be able to charm the jury. But during his testimony, Lay ended up coming across as a self-righteous douchebag who not only stole Grandma's pension, but would gladly have kicked her to death to get it.

Both he and Skilling maintained, in the face of massive amounts of damning evidence, that there had been no wrongdoing at Enron, and that the company had been brought down by negative publicity that undermined investors' confidence, and fuck you, anyway.

His defense didn't help his case with jurors.

"I wanted very badly to believe what they were saying," said one juror after the verdicts were announced. "But they were such blatantly crooked scumbags."

Lay was born in Tyrone, Missouri, and spent his childhood helping his family make ends meet by swindling the neighbors.