Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Kerry: Fuck you if you can't take a joke I told wrong

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--Democratic U.S. Senator John Kerry drew election-year fire from President Bush and other hysterical Republican whores on Tuesday for saying college students could "get stuck in Iraq" if they do not study hard.

But Kerry, who caved in without a whimper to the Bush Crime Family's theft of the 2004 presidential election, refused to apologize and said his remark was a "botched joke" aimed at the president, much like his 2004 campaign.

With the Iraq war a dominant issue in the November 7 elections despite the president's insistence that sodomy and Jesus are the most pressing concerns of the day, Kerry's incompetently delivered poke at Bush provided much-needed Noise Machine fuel to the Republicans, who are struggling desperately to maintain control of the U.S. Congress so that most of them can stay out of prison.

Kerry's office said later that the Massachusetts Democrat had stupidly misread his prepared remarks which said, "Do you know where you end up if you don't study, if you aren't smart, if you're intellectually lazy? You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask President Bush." The president is famous, of course, for not studying, not being smart, being intellectually lazy and getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. He also once strangled a hooker in a Fort Worth motor lodge, but Kerry had a hard time working that one into the joke.

Kerry, who was criticized for letting Bush Family operatives beat on him like a red-headed stepchild during his pointless White House campaign, angrily accused Republicans who have never been in war or appeared on The Daily Show of making unfounded attacks, and challenged them to a joke-off.

"The people who owe our troops an apology are George W. Bush and Dick Cheney who misled America into war," said the Massachusetts Democrat. "And neither one of them can tell a joke for shit, either."

While campaigning in California, Kerry told a college crowd on Monday: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." No one laughed, but of course the idiot told it wrong.

Bush quickly seized on the opportunity to create a controversy, releasing a demand that Kerry apologize and start over. He will repeat the call at a redneck campaign event in Georgia tonight.

"The men and women who serve in our all-volunteer Armed Forces are plenty smart and are serving because I told them Saddam was behind 9/11--and Senator Kerry owes them an apology," he plans to say, according to prepared remarks whose pre-event release obviates the need for him to make them, but whatever.

Kerry, combative at a news conference in Seattle, insisted: "My statement yesterday--and those pricks in the White House know this full well--was a botched joke about the president and the president's people, not about the troops."

Kerry served in the Navy in the Vietnam War, receiving two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star. Bush was a member of the rich kids' Champagne Unit of the Texas Air National Guard during that war, training stateside part-time on obsolete planes and devoting most of his energy to cocaine and strippers. Cheney avoided Vietnam with five student deferments, and when those ran out he knocked up his horrid shrike of a wife, which kept him out until he was able to develop a heart condition.

If the Bush Family misconstrued Kerry's comments, apparently so did others, including Senator John McCain, an Arizona Republican and fellow Vietnam vet who has had an amicable relationship with Kerry, but who is not known for being the sharpest knife in the drawer.

McCain said Kerry "owes an apology to the many thousands of Americans serving in Iraq, who answered their country's call because they are patriots and not because of any deficiencies in their education, just in their ability to tell when someone's lying to them."

Other Bush Family lackeys and conservative talk-radio shills made similar calls, as both parties continued to pretend that next week's elections might be decided by voters rather than Diebold.

White House Channel anchorman Tony Snow called the comments "an absolute insult, worse than the Holocaust," to which Kerry responded: "I'm not going to be lectured by a stuffed-suit White House mouthpiece standing behind a podium or that doughy piece of shit, Rush Limbaugh."

"If anyone thinks a veteran would criticize the more than 140,000 heroes serving in Iraq--and not the president who got us stuck there--they're crazy," he added. "Although, looking at the tape, I can't really blame them. Okay, I fucked the joke up."

Friday, October 20, 2006

I can have you killed

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush acknowledged Friday that "it sucks" in Iraq and said he would consult with American generals to see if a change in tactics is necessary to combat the escalating violence, just as soon as a Democratic congress forces him to.

Seventy-four American troops have died in Iraq in October, likely to become the deadliest month for the U.S. forces guarding the Bush Crime Family's oil in nearly two years.

"One of the reasons you're seeing more casualties is the enemy is killing more of our troops, along with Iraqis," Bush said in a brief but incoherent interview with The Associated Press.

He said he planned photo-ops within the next few days with General John Abizaid, the top U.S. commander in the Middle East, and General George Casey, who leads the Multinational Forces in Iraq, and maybe they'd have pizza.

"We are constantly and randomly adjusting our tactics so we can achieve the objectives, which are chaos and unaccountability, and right now, it's tough for me to give a shit," the president said. "It's tough on the families who've lost a loved one. It's tough for our citizens who look at it on TV. It's hard on the Iraqis. They've lost a lot of life. But things are tough all over, Jack. Look what I had for a mother."

He declined to say, though, whether he thought a change in tactics was necessary, just that it would be a cold day in hell before we actually saw one.

Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, at a Pentagon news conference, said the government of Iraq is going to have to take over its country's security "sooner rather than later," but nobody knows what that means anymore.

He said the biggest mistake would be to not continue turning regions of the country over to some of the Iraqis who live there, even if it means that the U.S. has to go back and retake control because the Iraqis who live there are overwhelmed by the other Iraqis who live there. He did not elaborate, except to assure reporters that there were indeed facts unknown that they didn't know they didn't know.

The president has often said that Bush Family goals in Iraq remain the same, no matter what lies he might be telling at the moment: to have a country that can sustain itself on untold billions of dollars of your money, govern itself with the government we give them and help in the war on terror by letting us fight it there, where all his oil is.

"It's important for the country and the security of this country that the enemy and the enemy of this country be defeated in Iraq," he said. At the same time, Bush said the Iraqis had to step up their efforts to quell the violence we brought them.

"There's a criminal element that is taking advantage of the situation in Baghdad and Iraq, and the Iraqi government is going to have to deal firmly with them," he said, but did not mention Halliburton or Blackwater by name.

The White House said that while Bush might change tactics in Iraq, he would not change his overall strategy of sacrificing dozens of American lives per month indefinitely, despite growing opposition and a rapidly-accelerating Republican shit-hemorrhage over what will happen when his policy costs the GOP control of the House or the Senate--or both.

"He's not somebody who gets jumpy at polls," White House Channel anchorman Tony Snow said.

"The president is not going to alter his approach based on what all these pussies say, but instead on the business of trying and moving toward having an Iraq that can sustain, govern and defend itself while funneling trillions of dollars to the Family," Snow continued. "It's so fucking simple and you're all so fucking stupid."

With the war in its fourth year and the U.S. death toll above the number of Americans killed on 9/11, Bush faces intense political pressure to change what critics say is a catastrophically inept Iraq policy. An independent commission--led by Bush Family consigliere and former secretary of State James A. Baker III, and Bush Family fixer and one-time Democrat, ex-Representative Lee Hamilton of Indiana--is exploring options for a new Iraq strategy, possibly "Stay the Course 2.0."

On another contentious foreign policy issue, Bush said he would not comment on a report that North Korea had apologized for conducting a nuclear test until he had a chance to have a pitcher of margaritas in bed with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who is currently in Beijing, where she plans to play "Alexander's Ragtime Band" on the piano for Chinese officials to celebrate the nuclear handoff.

The mass-circulation Chosun Ilbo reported that North Korean leader Kim Jong Il had told the Chinese that "he is really sorry about the nuclear test and he still wants to be friends." The North Korean leader also raised the possibility the country would return to arms talks, especially if the alternative is the flaming shithammer of a dozen Chinese warheads going off above Pyongyang.

Bush said Rice would report back to him later Friday, and he could barely wait. "I will then react," he said, but would not say how much.

Later, at a fundraiser in Washington for the National Republican Senatorial Committee, he railed against Democrats who have the balls to criticize his war in Iraq.

Calling the Democrats the party of "cut and run," Bush said: "The voters out there need to ask the question, `Which political party will support the brave men and women who wear our uniform when they do their job of protecting America? Which political party is willing to give our professionals the tools necessary to protect the American people? Which political party has a strategy for victory in this war on terror?' And then they need to shut the fuck up and vote for us anyway."

Monday, October 16, 2006

It's man-on-dog-eat-dog in Pennsylvania

ROSYLN, PA (LA Times)--Keith Hollenberg, a member of the evangelical Assemblies of God church who is quick to attest that he would rather die than suck a cock, is worried that one of his fundamentalist stick-figure political heroes is about to lose his bid for reelection.

So when he saw Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) at a car show here, Hollenberg volunteered to help in what has become an urgent project for right-wing reactionary turds in Pennsylvania and around the country: keeping Santorum in the Senate.

"I'm a big fan of yours," Hollenberg gushed. "I would never suck a cock."

Santorum, a lying douchebag and outspoken advocate of gay-bashing, forced maternity and other kneejerk paleo-conservative causes, is considered this year's most-endangered senator.

It is a four-alarm grease-fire for the American Taliban, who are bringing useless water buckets from all corners of the political world. Across Pennsylvania, pastors are preparing to stuff voter guides of questionable legality into their Sunday bulletins. In Washington, D.C., Paul Weyrich, a conservative demagogue, hosted a conference call to give a pep talk to depressed Republicans in Pennsylvania.

"I think it's important for straight white men across the country to recognize how important it is not only to pay attention but to get engaged in this race up to their fucking elbows, whatever way they can," said Colin Hanna, head of Let Freedom Ring, a jingoistic right-wing cult based in Pennsylvania. "If Rick Santorum were to lose, it would mean we all have to get gay-married and have abortions for dinner."

Santorum is not just a major enabler of the cynical symbiosis between the Republican Party and Christian conservatives. He is also one of the Bush Crime Family's most mendacious flacks in Congress and a member of the Senate GOP leadership bent on destroying the Constitution. And he is the apotheosis of a younger generation of privileged Republican shitheels--led by former House Speaker and serial adulterer Newt Gingrich--that transformed the party in the 1990s into a more monolithic, fascist political force.

If 2006 turns into the electoral bloodbath that many analysts are now predicting, a loss by Santorum would be just another signifier of the end of that Republican revolution.

For most of the year, polls have found Santorum trailing his Democratic opponent, state Treasurer Bob Casey Jr., by double-digit margins. The senator's backers were hoping that a spirited televised debate last week would open a new chapter of voter education about Casey's liabilities that could work to Santorum's advantage, but the Senator went apeshit and began raving incoherently in spite of the moderator's insistence that his time was up, and the general consensus among Beltway pundits was that he "just looked like an asshole."

Among Santorum's political problems: he is running in a nearly Diebold-free state that went for Democratic Senator and eleventh-hour weakling John F. Kerry in the 2004 presidential election. Here in Philadelphia's suburbs, considered crucial to the election's outcome, even fellow Republicans are not as deeply disturbed as he is. At a recent GOP meeting in Upper Darby, Santorum sounded not a bit like a champion of social conservatism, instead circulating a flier, "Delivering for Upper Darby," that detailed the federal money he had secured for local sewer repair, garage construction and other pork.

Even if Santorum gives social issues short shrift on the campaign trail, right-wing whackjobs understand what is at stake. They stand to lose a powerful mouthpiece for their medieval agenda. Some worry that Santorum's defeat would also be a decapitation strike to the influence of religious wingnuts within the GOP.

"You would then start to see party apparatchiks say things like, 'We're not sure we want to support a candidate whose conservatism is as scary and ignorant as Senator Santorum's,' and they will begin casting about for someone a sane person might vote for," Hanna said.

At age 48, with a priggish aspect that makes him appear to have some kind of pointy object in his ass, Santorum does not look the part of a man who could be circling the bowl on his way down the political toilet. Walking in a parade one rainy Saturday outside Philadelphia, Santorum jogs robustly from one side of the street to the other to greet spectators, many of whom avoid his glance, embarrassed. Tie-less, in chinos and a "Terry Schiavo died for YOU" T-shirt, he wears the demented smile of a man who is nowhere near ready to accept reality. Even when people boo him from curbside, he boldly reaches into the crowd to shake his finger like an angry nun.

Many more factors are working against Santorum now than in his 2000 campaign: most notably, his nose deep in the colon of a criminally insane president whose approval ratings are not much higher than Mark Foley's. Unlike other vulnerable Republicans who have attempted to distance themselves from the Bush Crime Family, Santorum continues to embrace Der Monkey's failures in Iraq, his crooked and universally unpopular plan to privatize Social Security, even his hopelessly incompetent secretary of Defense, Donald H. Rumsfeld.

Santorum is not just a victim of political circumstance. Even his admirers say he routinely says things that make it clear he is completely insane, and not very bright.

In 2002, he blamed Boston "liberalism" for the Roman Catholic Church's eternal and interminable sex abuse scandal. In a 2003 interview, he linked gay consensual sex with bigamy, polygamy, incest, adultery and dogfucking. In a 2005 book, he found fault with two-income families and women who leave the house with their hair uncovered. The ensuing controversies have so engulfed Santorum's image that his campaign website has a long feature, "Myth vs. Fact," to counter what people "hear around the water cooler" about Santorum, which answers such pressing questions as "What is the water cooler?"

Saturday, October 14, 2006

One down, 231 to go

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--Republican scumbag Bob Ney of Ohio pleaded guilty on Friday in the Jack Abramoff political corruption investigation, becoming the first lawmaker convicted in the election-year scandal that is eating the ass out of the GOP.

Representative Ney admitted he had illegally accepted trips, meals, drinks, hookers, drugs, plumbing supplies, sex toys, tickets to concerts and sporting events, shiny glass beads, animal pelts and other items worth tens of thousands of dollars in return for exploiting the trust of his constituents by whoring his office on behalf of crooked über-lobbyist Abramoff and his clients.

Ney, who abandoned his re-election race in August when it became clear he would be going to prison, said he was chagrined to have been caught and will resign from Congress when he gets around to it.

But with the election less than a month away and Democrats increasingly optimistic about winning control of Congress, the Bush Crime Family and House Republican leaders urged Ney to step down immediately so the rest of them can limit their exposure to what will undoubtedly be a blizzard of subpeonas.

House Speaker Dennis Hastert of Illinois and other Republican House leaders said they will move to expel Ney when Congress resumes its legislative work in November, if Ney has not yet resigned and Hastert has not yet been indicted for his crooked real estate scams or forced to resign in the Mastergate cover-up.

"Bob Ney must be punished for acknowledging his criminal acts," they said in a statement. "He betrayed his oath of omerta and violated the trust of those he represented on K Street. There is no place for him in this Congress now that he's been convicted."

Appearing at a federal court a few blocks from the Capitol, Ney gave brief answers to the judge's questions and said he has been hiding from the media in an alcohol treatment program during the past month.

In a statement issued after the hearing, Ney said, "I have made mistakes of judgment and acted in ways that have worked out badly for me."

The Abramoff scandal and the Mastergate scandal involving lewd computer messages sent by disgraced former Representative Mark Foley to hot young male congressional aides have hurt Republicans as they seek to keep control of Congress in the November 7 elections and avoid an unstoppable cascade of corruption investigations.

The Abramoff scandal has reached into the White House, with the conviction of former Bush Family bagman David Safavian and last week's resignation of Susan Ralston, an Abramoff whore on loan to top presidential ratfucker Karl Rove.

Ney, who copped a plea with prosecutors last month, admitted he conspired to commit fraud and other offenses and that he filed false financial disclosure forms.

"I accept responsibility for those of my actions which have been discovered and I am prepared to face the consequences of what I have been convicted for," he said in his statement.

U.S. District Judge Ellen Segal Huvelle told the 52-year-old Ney that he faced a maximum sentence of 10 years in prison and that, as part of his plea deal, prosecutors recommended he get 27 months in prison. She added that she was not bound by the government's recommendation and set sentencing for January 19.

Ney's lawyer requested that Ney be given treatment for his alcoholism while in prison, and an extra blanket.

Ney, who was first elected to the House of Representatives in 1994, said he will resign from Congress in the next few weeks once he makes sure "my staff members have received their hush money and that any open constituent matters and obligations are unlikely to come back and queer my deal before sentencing."

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Crazy bitch keeps getting crazier

ORLANDO, FL (AP)--Republican Senate hopeful and certified wingnut Katherine Harris says Florida's Democratic incumbent supports un-Christian political policies, such as democracy and constitutional legitimacy.

Harris--whose incoherent comments were made on a Christian radio network and published by Agape Press, a Christian news service--did not mention specific policies, but she has repeatedly berated Senator Bill Nelson for supporting women's rights and resisting a constitutional amendment outlawing homosexuality.

The congresswoman has worked to attract Christian voters throughout her campaign, usually by making batshit insane pronouncements designed to appeal to people as damaged and stupid as she is. This summer, Harris told a Baptist newsrag that Christians should be involved in politics because otherwise legislative bodies would "legislate sin," whatever that's supposed to mean, and that the separation of church and state is "a lie we have been told," apparently by the framers of our Constitution.

In an effort to explain those remarks, Harris told American Family Radio News: "I was being specific in talking to them in fundamentalist code and differentiating myself from Bill Nelson, who claims to be a Christian and yet often appears in public with the Mark of the Beast clearly visible on his forehead."

Harris spokeswoman Jennifer Marks defended the congresswoman's comments as best she could.

"She was simply drawing a comparison between her record and his on these issues of concern to raving Jesus freaks, because they are completely different records," Marks said. "If he were really a Christian, he'd vote like her, dress like her, suck up to the Bush Family like her; he'd be packing heat and compiling huge lists of felons like her, but he's not doing any of that, is he? He's even less like her than most people are, which makes him pathetically un-Christian and probably a terrorist."

Nelson has said he voted against the ban on what conservatives like to call partial-birth abortion because the legislation did not have an exception for the health of the mother, who might be a perfectly nice young girl raped by an angel of God, who shouldn't be forced to give birth to some holy bastard who's just going to grow up and be executed for crimes against the state, anyway.

Nelson has also said that he is personally opposed to gay marriage, but that it is an issue that should be decided by individual gay people.

"Instead of questioning Nelson's faith like she's doing, she should be spending time answering questions about her ethical problems," Nelson spokesman Bryan Gulley said. "Preferably under oath."

With about a month to go before the election, Harris trails Nelson by double digits in most polls, even though she has better tits. She has had perhaps the most disastrous campaign in Florida history, with questions about her shady dealings with a corrupt defense contractor, multiple waves of staff resignations in response to her pathological bitchery, and top Republicans trying to recruit someone, anyone else to run in her place, and failing.

Harris, acting simultaneously as Florida secretary of state and Bush campaign co-chair for the state, engineered the ratfucking that stole the presidency for George W. Bush in 2000. She was rewarded with a Congressional seat, but her lust for power and attention is insatiable and she won't rest until everyone who was ever mean to her is reduced to a state of abject servitude.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Hey, did he diddle?

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Republican pederast Mark Foley, under FBI investigation for salacious e-mail exchanges with teenage congressional pages, has checked himself into a rehabilitation facility for alcoholism treatment--apparently under the impression that the country is outraged by his drinking--and accepts responsibility for his actions unless criminal charges are brought, his attorney said Monday.

The attorney would not identify the facility, but told the Associated Press in West Palm Beach that Foley had checked in over the weekend to hide from the media.

"I strongly believe that I am an alcoholic and have accepted the need for immediate treatment for alcoholism and other behavioral problems," Foley said in a statement, according to the AP.

In scorching language, House Republican leaders on Monday condemned Foley's actions as they tried to pretend they hadn't known about his boy-diddling ways for at least five years.

"Congressman Foley duped a lot of people...He deceived the good men and women in organizations around the country with whom he worked to strengthen child predator laws, never dreaming it would bite him on the ass one day," Speaker Dennis Hastert told reporters, between bites of the largest burrito ever recorded.

The Bush Crime Family, meanwhile, sought to distance itself from yet another scandal and the increasing questions about what kind of twisted playhouse these sick fucks are running, anyway. Coming five weeks before the election, another scandal involving another Republican congressman could cost the GOP control of the House, which would almost certainly result in impeachment of the president and vice-president for high crimes and misdemeanors, including treason, war profiteering and lying to Congress and the American people they way you and I breathe air.

"The House has to clean up the mess, to the extent there is a mess," White House celebrity spokesweasel Tony Snow told reporters at a briefing. "This buck stops at Hastert."

Foley abruptly quit Congress on Friday after reports surfaced that he'd sent hundreds of electronic messages soliciting spankings and buttsex to teenage boys working as pages. In the statement, Foley said the "events that led to my resignation--which is to say, getting caught--have crystalized recognition of my long-standing and significant alcoholism and emotional difficulties."

"I deeply regret and accept full responsibility for the harm I have caused unless, of course, I am indicted," Foley said. He also expressed "gratitude for the prayers and words of encouragement that have been conveyed to me by the many Republican pederasts who have yet to be exposed."

Florida Republicans picked state Representative Joe Negron to replace Foley as its candidate in the West Palm Beach district, which is largely Republican and significantly pedophilic. Mr. Negron's views on the statutory rape of young boys are not known.

House Republicans went into desperate, hopeless damage control mode amid easily-proven charges by Democrats that House leaders have known for years about Foley's greasy solicitations of teenage pages.

Hastert met with his staff, the House clerk and Representative John Shimkus (R-IL), the congressman who oversees the page program, to get their story straight about why they let this go on for so long.

Hastert in a letter sent Sunday to Bush's lawyer, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, asked the Justice Department to limit its investigation to "Mr. Foley's conduct with current and former House pages," including "any sexually explicit communications between Mr. Foley and any former or current House pages and what actions such individuals took, if any, to provide them to law enforcement," and stay the fuck away from House leadership.

Democrats demanded that investigators determine whether Republican leaders tried to cover up Foley's actions for political reasons, or just because sleazy old pedophiles tend to stick together until one of them gets caught.

"The attorney general should open a full-scale investigation immediately," Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada said in a statement, including whether GOP leaders "knew there was a problem and ignored it to preserve a congressional seat this election year. But he won't."

FBI cyber sleuths are looking into the text of some of Foley's truly disturbing messages, checking to see how many e-mails and instant messages were sent and how many computers were used, according to a law enforcement official who spoke on condition of anonymity because he has a teenage son.

The FBI also is trying to determine if any of the teenagers who received messages are willing to blow their confused young lives apart in a whirlwind of humiliation and AM Radio hatespeak in order to cooperate with the investigation, the official said.

Ironically, Foley, who is 52, single, and measures his dick every night, could be found to have violated a law that he helped to write as co-chairman of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus. Funny shit.

Representative Thomas Reynolds of New York, head of the doomed House Republican election effort, said he told Hastert months ago about the allegations involving a 16-year-old boy from Louisiana, code-named "Chicken," so it's not his fault.

Hastert acknowledged that his staff had been made aware of concerns about what they termed "over-friendly" e-mails Foley had sent to "Chicken" in the fall of 2005, and that they referred the matter to the House clerk, who ignored it.

But Hastert said those e-mails were not viewed as "sexual in nature" by the other pederasts in the Republican House leadership, and that he was not aware of "a different set of communications which were sexually explicit...which Mr. Foley reportedly sent another former page or pages. Could I finish my burrito now?"