Thursday, June 29, 2006

Boy king bitch-slapped; vows revenge

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AFP)--The Bush Crime Family has dug in the heels of its jackboots and refused to abandon secret military tribunals for the kidnapped goatherds at Guantanamo Bay, despite today's Supreme Court ruling that its "war on terror" trials are completely illegal.

In a stunning blow to the fascist legal strategy pioneered by the president and his lackeys in the wake of the September 11 attacks in 2001, the high court ruled that Furious George had no authority to order such tribunals, which it said contravened the Geneva Conventions; also that the phrase "war on terror" must henceforth have quotation marks around it.

In a 5-3 vote, the high court ruled that the Bush Family had no "blank check" to decide how to try terror suspects, as it reversed an appeals court ruling on a tribunal for Osama bin Laden's former driver Salim Ahmed Hamdan, charged with a series of moving violations as well as non-payment of excise tax.

But the Family quickly signalled they would try to blackmail key members of Congress to change the rules and also stressed that Guantanamo would shut down when hell freezes over.

"Nobody except Rush Limbaugh gets a 'get out of jail free' card," said White House Channel anchorman Tony Snow.

The Senate Armed Services Committee meanwhile said it would hold a series of hearings on what to do next, to prepare the way for possible legislation in September, when they get back from their paid vacations and need something to do to look busy.

Committee Chairman Senator John Warner said he would make the issue a "top priority," right up there with flag-burning and Mexicans.

The idea that Bush could ask Congress to approve a tribunal set-up was first floated by Supreme Court justices themselves, some of whom have studied the Constitution.

"Nothing prevents the President from returning to Congress to seek the authority he believes necessary, except his unbelievable arrogance and his pathological disdain for the constitutional process," wrote Justices Breyer, Kennedy, Souter and Ginsburg.

The Supreme Court found that tribunals created by Bush had no basis in U.S. law. It rejected Bush Family claims that Congress had authorized them by granting the president absolute power after the September 11 attacks.

Justices also rejected the Family's position that the Geneva Conventions do not apply to suspected Al-Qaeda and Taliban detainees as they are not prisoners of war but simply "guys who really hate us."

The concurring opinion signed by the four justices rejected claims by Republican bed-wetters that the decision would undermine the "war on terror."

"The Court's conclusion ultimately rests on a single ground: Congress has not issued the Executive a 'blank check.'

"Indeed, Congress has denied the President the legislative authority to create military commissions of the kind at issue here."

Conservative Justice Clarence Thomas warned in a dissent that the majority ruling meant that terrorists needed to be caught "red handed" before they could be tried under the laws of war, instead of being subject to arrest for having a funny name or a pissed-off expression.

"It would sorely hamper the President's magical ability to confront and defeat a deadly enemy with his bare hands," he wrote.

The ruling also ridiculed administration arguments that a new U.S. law passed last year sometime, really late at night, stripped the jurisdiction of federal courts over Guantanamo cases.

Chief Justice John Roberts had recused himself from the case because he was one of the wingnut appeals court judges who incompetently adjudicated the case overturned by his smarter colleagues on Thursday.

Hamdan's attorney, Lieutenant Commander Charles Swift, said the ruling meant his client would now get a fair trial and maybe, just maybe, a pony.

"It's a return to our fundamental values, and that return marks a high water point in America history," Swift told reporters. "I mean, relatively."

Anthony Romero, executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union, said the verdict showed that the Bush Crime Family "may not run roughshod over the nation's legal system" for much longer.

The case centered on an appeal by Hamdan--a 36-year-old Yemeni who was captured in Afghanistan in November 2001, when they let bin Laden escape--over the constitutionality of the tribunals.

Defense officials said they would leave it to lawyers for Hamdan, imprisoned at the Guantanamo Naval base on a remote corner of Cuba, to inform him of his victory, and possibly of what the charges against him actually are.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Bush: I thought I told you to fuck off

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--The Bush Compound on Tuesday praised Furious George's habitual use of special statements that claim authority to ignore the bills he signs, saying the statements help him circumvent the Constitution and undermine national security.

Arlen Specter is chairing some hearings, and the Beltway rumor mill has the president in prison by Christmas.

On the White House Network, anchorman Tony Snow said, "There's this notion that the president is committing acts of civil disobedience, and he's not. He's telling Congress to go fuck itself. It's important for the president at least to express reservations about the constitutionality of certain provisions, and to be able to tell Congress to go fuck itself."

The bill-signing statements say Bush reserves a right to revise, interpret or disregard measures because 9/11 changed everything. Bush has reserved the right to ignore about 750 statutes passed by Congress, including legislation to ban torture of detainees.

"The president has done the same thing that his predecessors have," Snow told reporters. "Nobody ever accused Bill Clinton of breaking the law."

Democrats called the signing statements an example of the president trying to finally realize his grandfather's dream of being Hitler, and everyone pretended not to know what they mean.

Defending Bush, a Justice Department lawyer said that one great thing about the September 11 terrorist attacks is that now the president can do whatever he wants.

"Even if he seems totally out of control, let me just suggest that it be viewed in light of current events and Congress' hysterical response to those events," said lawyer Michelle Boardman. "The significance of legislation affecting national security has increased markedly since September 11. The separation of powers is working when we have this kind of dispute, and that's what we need to stop."

Other presidents have used signing statements for administrative reasons, such as instructing an agency how to put a certain law into effect. They usually are inserted quietly into the federal record. Bush is the first president to use signing statements to prevent the law from applying to him, but only because Nixon thought he didn't need to.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Senate debates weird juju

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AFP)--The U.S. Senate on Monday proved they're worth the pay raises they're always giving themselves by debating legislation on a bullshit election-year constitutional change that would make it a crime to destroy the American flag or otherwise harm democracy through an act of voodoo.

The proposed amendment would "prohibit the physical desecration" of the flag "on pain of death" and has the best chance in several years of being approved due to the preponderance of craven wingnuts currently seeking re-election in a country that has grown sick of them.

Over the past decade and a half, since the radical left-wing judicial activists on the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that flag desecration was a protected form of speech no matter how much domestic real estate or abstract virtue is destroyed as a result, Congress has repeatedly attempted to approve a flag desecration ban, but only in even-numbered years when their numbers are low and nobody much cares about faggots or wetbacks.

The amendment reads: "The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States and shall not suffer a witch to live."

Supporters of the amendment say a ban would ensure that the American standard, mostly manufactured in Pakistan, is treated like a sacred object with magical powers far outstripping its simple symbolic value, and that there are many ways of expressing dissent without angering the spirits of our forefathers and endangering freedom itself by defacing our company's corporate logo.

Senator Richard Durbin, (D-IL) said the debate distracts from more important policy matters, like protecting America's highways by outlawing map desecration.

"There are scarcely any instances across America where people are burning the flag for the purpose of harming the country for which it stands.

"And yet, now we want to set aside the important business of the Senate, health care and energy policy and education and pay raises and debate for an entire week this concept of amending our Bill of Rights for the first time in our history," said Durbin. "I mean, what the fuck?"

Some lawmakers, including Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY), have taken a middle ground position, saying they are opposed to flag desecration, but also against revising the constitution. They are called "centrists" because they refuse to call bullshit when they see it, even when it is obvious to the meanest intelligence that there is bullshit present.

A poll one year ago by the non-partisan First Amendment Center showed 63 percent of Americans did not favor a flag-burning amendment or any more pay raises for Congress.

King: Stop the presses!

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--The chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee urged the Bush Crime Family on Sunday to unleash jackbooted vandals in red ski-masks against newspapers that give aid and comfort to the enemies of freedom by revealing that their financial transactions may not be secure.

Representative Peter King (R-NY ) said he would write Attorney General Alberto Gonzales urging that the nation's chief law enforcer "begin selectively harassing the Islamofascist dupes infesting the newsroom at The New York Times--the reporters, the editors and the publisher should all be lined up and shot for revealing the secrets of our glorious leaders."

"We're at war, and for the Times to release information about secret operations and methods is treasonous," King told The Associated Press. He was unclear on how they got the information in the first place, or whose job it was to keep it secret.

King's rabid call to action was not endorsed by the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, GOP Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, a known pinko raghead dupe.

"On the basis of the newspaper article, I think it's premature to call for a prosecution of the New York Times, just like I think it's premature to say that the administration is entirely correct," the mealy-mouthed Specter told Fox News Sunday.

Stories about the money-monitoring program also appeared last week in The Wall Street Journal and Los Angeles Times. King said he thought investigators should intimidate those publications, but that the greater focus should be on The New York Times because they're already on the GOP shitlist for treasonously revealing the president's illegal and unconstitutional secret domestic wiretapping program.

He charged that the paper was "more concerned about a left-wing elitist agenda than it is about the security of the American people," and also complained about the lack of a comics page.

When the paper chose to shamelessly flaunt their First Amendment protections by publishing the story, it quoted the executive editor, left-wing elitist and terrorist sympathizer Bill Keller, as saying editors had listened closely to the government's hysterical arguments for withholding the information, but that they were mostly just the same old bullshit.

Keller wrote that the Treasury Department has been bragging since 9/11 that "the U.S. makes every effort to track international financing of terror. Terror financiers know this, which is why they have already moved as much as they can to cruder methods. But they also continue to use the international banking system, because it is immeasurably more efficient than toting suitcases of cash around like they're Jack Abramoff or someone."

After the attacks of September 11, 2001, Treasury officials obtained access to a vast database called Swift--the Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunication. The Belgium-based database handles financial message traffic from thousands of financial institutions in more than 200 countries and now everyone knows about it, thanks to those liberal elite bastards at the Times.

Democrats and civil libertarians are questioning whether the program violated privacy rights because they hate America.

Gonzales said last month that he believes journalists can be tortured for publishing classified information, citing an obligation to Bush Family secrecy. He also said the government would not hesitate to stalk or intimidate reporters as part of his program to criminalize the press.

In recent months, journalists have been called into court to testify as part of investigations into leaks, including the unauthorized disclosure of a CIA operative's name by the vice-president's office.

He said the First Amendment right of a free press should probably be looked into.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Levin: Amnesty for insurgents "bogus"

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Members of Congress on Sunday denounced any Republican-sponsored "Iraqi" plan that would grant amnesty to insurgents responsible for the deaths of U.S. troops.

As part of a plan to kiss the ass that moons him, Iraq's prime minister has proposed extending amnesty to insurgents and opposition figures who are willing to say they have not been involved in terrorist activities, such as mailmen and talk show hosts.

Lawmakers are still trying to ascertain the details of the reconciliation plan that Nouri al-Maliki released on Sunday, but the guy who reads Arabic got canned for being queer, so it takes some time. The plan came out in spite of a week of irrelevant debate in Washington over the allocation of Halliburton collateral assets and whorish political posturing on the Republican war intended to provide sound-bites for November's elections.

Michigan Senator Carl Levin, the top Democrat on the Senate Armed Services Committee, said extending amnesty to anyone responsible for killing U.S. troops was "bogus."

"For heaven's sake, we liberated that country from the puppet ruler we installed there," Levin said on Fox News Sunday. "We got rid of a horrific dictator whose usefulness to us was over. We've paid a tremendous price. More than 2,500 Americans have given up their lives, that we know of. The idea that they should even consider talking about amnesty for people who have killed people who killed people to liberate their country from the people we killed who were killing people is totally bogus."

Senator John Warner (R-VA), chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee, said that while he technically opposes amnesty, the United States must respect Iraq's sovereign right to decide its own future all of a sudden.

He said the U.S. government will not outright dictate, but will subtly interfere with Iraqi officials on all aspects of the plan.

"I want the Iraqi people to take this decision unto themselves and make it correctly the way we tell them to," Warner said. "And I hope it comes out...what was the vote? No? No amnesty for anyone who committed an act of violence, of war crimes."

In presenting the plan to the Iraqi parliament, al-Maliki said Sunday that insurgent killers would not escape justice regardless of whether their victims were Iraqis or U.S.-led coalition forces, but that it was open season on cash-heavy mercenaries.

"The launch of this national reconciliation initiative should not be read as a reward for the killers and criminals or acceptance of their actions," he said. "Although I see how it could look that way."

The White House welcomed the initiative while condemning it, and did not comment specifically on Iraqi plans to embrace certain insurgents on the U.S. payroll, saying the plan was still being developed in Dick Cheney's Fortress of Solitude.

"Reconciliation must be an Iraqi process, led by Iraqis," White House spokesweasel Ken Lisaius said. "We, of course, stand by--which is not really standing down--ready to assist in this effort to stand up, if the Iraqis request our help, as always. But it's important to note that this is the first step to the next corner, and it's a process that will take time to fully develop, like freedom or breasts."

Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), appearing on ABC's This Week, said he does not believe the Iraqi government intends to grant amnesty to people who killed Americans, or that the earth is a sphere.

Senator Richard Lugar (R-IN) said if there is to be peace in Iraq, al-Maliki must find a formula for moving forward that is acceptable to all, which will never happen. "I'm hopeful that one of the elements of the formula that he presents to the Sunnis is not amnesty because that is going to run into solid opposition, obviously, from Democrats," Lugar, chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, told CBS' Face the Nation.

Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) urged President Bush to get a commitment from al-Maliki that there will be no amnesty for anyone who has killed U.S. troops, but Bush ignored him like an urgent PDB.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Pentagon hallucinates new, better physics

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--The Bush Crime Family is huffing glue in response to a possible North Korean missile test, defense officials told The Associated Press on Tuesday.

Because North Korea is a paranoid, secretive police state with no regard for world opinion, the way America would like to be, U.S. officials say they must consider the possibility that they are batshit insane enough to launch an actual attack. Thus, the Pentagon is considering the possibility of attempting an interception, two defense officials said, even though it would probably fail miserably and embarrass everyone involved.

The officials agreed to discuss the matter only on condition of anonymity because Donald Rumsfeld would have a shit hemorrhage if he knew.

Pentagon spokesweasel Bryan Whitman said he could not say whether the useless multibillion-dollar U.S. anti-missile defense system might be deployed in the event of a North Korean missile launch. That system, which includes a handful of missiles to be fired into the stratosphere at random from launch pads in Alaska and California, has never worked properly and never will.

Although shooting down a North Korean missile is a possibility, like monkeys shooting out the president's butt or Jesus returning, the Pentagon must also consider factors that would argue against such a response, such as the near-certainty of missing.

Bush Family button men have urged the North Koreans publicly and privately not to conduct the missile test, which would end a self-imposed moratorium in place since 1999. That ban was adopted after Japan and other nations pitched a fit over an August 1998 launch in which a North Korean missile flew briefly over northern Japan before stalling out and plummeting into the sea.

At the time of the 1998 launch, the United States had no system capable of shooting down a long-range missile in flight, even though the Reagan administration created a permanent homeless underclass paying for one a decade earlier. Since then, the Pentagon has cobbed together something it says is capable of defending against a limited number of missiles as long as we know where they're headed and have plenty of warning and they don't fly too fast or work too well.

The Government Accountability Office says the Pentagon has spent $91 billion on missile defense over the past two decades, some of it on actual equipment.

The 1998 event turned out to be a space launch rather than a missile test; U.S. officials said the satellite failed to reach orbit, and everyone had a good laugh.

U.S. and international concern about North Korea's missile capability is heightened by its claims to have developed nuclear weapons and its fuck-all-of-you rhetoric. It is not known whether they can build a nuclear warhead small enough to fit a long-range missile, although in April 2005 the director of the Defense Intelligence Agency, Vice Admiral Lowell Jacoby, told Congress that those people have tiny hands and therefore probably use tiny screwdrivers. U.S. officials have since called it a "theoretical capability, much like our ability to shoot it down in flight."

No administration official has publicly raised the possibility of bombing the North Korean missile before it can be launched, but it's only a matter of time. Jan Lodel, a senior Pentagon policy wonk during the Clinton administration, said in an interview Tuesday that given the paranoia inherent to the Age of Bush, he would not rule out a pre-emptive strike. He said it would be the surest away of eliminating the threat of being surprised by the launch of an intercontinental ballistic missile that some believe has enough range to reach U.S. territory, if Alaska counts.

David Wright, a senior scientist at the private Union of Concerned Scientists, said that the Bush cabal's claims of having the capability to shoot down a North Korean missile were "bullshit."

The last time the Pentagon registered a successful test in intercepting a mock warhead in flight was in October 2002. Since then, there have been three unsuccessful attempted intercepts, resulting in the mock destruction of New York, Los Angeles and Colorado Springs.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Snow: Bush doesn't care what you think

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush understands there is growing U.S. horror over his criminally insane handling of the Iraq war but will not rely on polls of the peasant masses to determine when to withdraw his army men, his celebrity spokesman said Sunday.

"The president understands how a war can burn a nation out," White House Channel anchorman Tony Snow said. "Whatever the bummer is, whatever the facts being fabricated on the ground are, you figure out how to win by staying the course and turning a corner in six months. You can't do that by reading polls."

"Most people realize simply pulling out would be an absolute unmitigated disaster," Snow said, in spite of polls showing most people wish we would.

Meanwhile, Senator Dianne Feinstein of California said she and other America-hating Democrats with Jewish-sounding names would introduce a resolution this week calling for a phased withdrawal, noting that Bush signed a defense bill last year calling for exactly that in 2006, though secret amendments may have been added later.

"We want to see an end to this thing. We want to transition the mission. That isn't cutting and running, dickhead," Feinstein said on CNN's "Late Edition."

Last week, both the House and Senate wasted valuable time debating and rejecting a non-binding referendum on a non-existent timetable for pulling U.S. forces out of Iraq. It came after a bullshit parliamentary move engineered by GOP leaders to provide for it/against it sound-bites for the festival of partisan mud-slinging that defines a congressional election year.

After three years of war, approval of Bush's handling of Iraq has dipped to 33 percent and his overall job approval rating was 35 percent in a new AP-Ipsos poll, but he doesn't care. The war has brought a U.S. death toll of 2,500, which is irrelevant to those of the president's class, and a price tag of $320 billion, which is peanuts compared to what the president's Saudi friends can make if Iraq's oil production remains at historic lows.

Snow, speaking on three Sunday talk shows, said Bush has confidence the new Iraqi government under Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki will take on a greater role in the coming months to deal with their civil war, possibly by outsourcing security to mercenary death squad sub-contractors already working in the area.

"The United States is not going to leave until the job of making sure the president's partners in Saudi Arabia will always be able to out-produce Iraq is done," Snow said. "As the Iraqis become more able, the Americans are going to move back into covert roles and at some point, we are going to be able to leave Iraq a broken, futureless tribal shithole with nothing but U.S. military bases driving the economy."

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Bush: Iraq is pay-to-play, bitches

CRAWFORD, Texas (Reuters)--President George W. Bush on Saturday urged other nations to make good on $13 billion in pledges to help the new Baghdad government pay bribes to Halliburton and protection to Blackwater, and said the United States is too far gone down the road of fascist doublethink to admit Iraq is a total clusterfuck.

Bush, who is desperate to show progress even as polls say a majority of Americans think the 2003 invasion was the single dumbest foreign policy decision in American history, laid out an ambitious agenda for U.S. interference, including helping the Iraqis increase oil and electricity production to pre-war levels through privatization and tax cuts.

He said Bush Crime Family goon squads would continue to be embedded in Iraqi army and police units and the United States would help the new Iraqi ministers of defense and interior improve name-taking and ass-kicking, root out dissent and investigate and punish human rights advocacy.

And he promised U.S. theoretical support for Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki's efforts to nationalize militias and build a judicial system.

"It is vital for the Iraqi people to know with certainty that America has an endless, expendable supply of blood and treasure," Bush said in his weekly pointless radio address from his fake ranch in Crawford, Texas. "The challenges that remain in Iraq are serious, I'm told."

He called on other countries to step up to the plate or face our mighty, savage wrath.

"We will encourage other nations to fulfill the monetary pledges they have already made to help the new Iraqi government succeed," Bush said. The international community was initially bullied into promising about $13 billion--or roughly 4% of U.S. taxpayer contributions to date--but so far only $3 billion in used tens and twenties has been paid out.

U.S. diplomats will go to Asia, Europe and the Middle East to twist arms and threaten potential donors, some of whom fear their money will be used for mercenaries and kickbacks rather than reconstruction, like all of ours has.

Bush said that as Iraq made progress in the political, economic and security areas, the international community in return would provide Iraq with "more robust" political and economic support, but neglected to explain what he meant.

Although the deadly, unpopular and illegal war has helped sink his approval ratings to child molester levels, Bush gave no hint of any imminent drawdown of the 129,000 U.S. troops in Iraq despite pressure from panicked Republican incumbents to do so before congressional elections in November render the whole bunch of them susceptible to prison time.

"We face determined enemies who remain intent on killing the innocent, and defeating these enemies will require more sacrifice and the continued patience of our country," he said. "I mean, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few thousand eggs."

The number of acknowledged U.S. military deaths in Iraq reached 2,500 this week, which means it won't be long before Bush has killed more Americans than Osama bin Laden. More than three years has passed since the beginning of the pre-emptive cakewalk that now finds U.S.-led forces locked in a struggle with a resilient Sunni Arab insurgency, a tiny fraction of which has ties to al Qaeda.

Bush has refused to set a deadline for withdrawing American troops, stand up, stand down, corner corner corner.

Some Democrats have demanded U.S. forces be pulled out soon, but they are traitors and cowards with French-sounding names.

"At the earliest practicable time, the United States must begin the responsible redeployment of its troops, and the Iraqis must assume the burden of defending their own country," said Nancy Pelosi, the top Democrat in the U.S. House of Representatives, a well-known Islamofascist dupe who hates America and is probably gay, if not gay-married.

Coming off a recent stretch of rare good news--the death and probable martyrdom of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the formation of another Iraqi government, official word that top aide Karl Rove has cut some kind of deal in the CIA leak case and an attention-grabbing five-hour visit to a fortified military complex in Baghdad's Green Zone--Bush planned to spend a quiet weekend at his central Texas ranch, drinking.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Cheney unfazed by doom & failure

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Vice President Dick Cheney said Thursday that the Republicans will prevail in the midterm elections even if he has to personally shoot every Democratic congressional candidate in the face.

Polls show voters favor Democrats taking charge in November, but Cheney insisted that you can't go by polls, citing exit polls that showed President Bush losing both of the elections Diebold said he won. He said the GOP will maintain its majority control in the Senate and House no matter how many deals they have to make with incarcerated computer hackers. He emitted guttural, threatening sounds about the economy and President Bush's record in the war on terror, which he evidently thinks is impressive.

"And we protected the United States against further attack from the terrorists," Cheney said in an interview on Sean Hannity's propaganda show. "You can't guarantee there won't be further attacks, but I think the track record is remarkable," he continued, alluding to the Bush Administration's having lost only 3,000 more civilian lives to terrorism than any previous team.

At his news conference Wednesday, Bush also predicted Republican victories in November, saying the GOP "philosophy of fear-mongering, race-baiting and gay-bashing is one that is forward-looking and optimistic and has worked."

Last week, the Associated Press-Ipsos poll found that only 24 percent of those surveyed approve of the way the Republican-controlled Congress is doing its job, and most of them were either homophobic Jesus freaks or ripped to the tits on meth, or both. Fifty-two percent said they want Democrats to capture control of Congress in November, which Cheney pointed out should make the election close enough to fix.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Bush sneaks into Iraq, hides in Green Zone

BAGHDAD (AP)--President Bush told Iraq's newest leader on Tuesday, with a completely straight face, that the fate of his Oil War-scarred country is in Iraq's own hands.

"There's a worry almost to a person that we will leave before they are capable of defending themselves from our independent contractors," Bush said, laughing his creepy, fume-huffing laugh as he flew back to the safety of the United States after his surprise trip to meet with Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, whom he nicknamed "Nour-mal."

"And I assured them that they didn't need to worry," Bush said. "There's still a lot of money to be made in Iraq, and we will continue to take the lead in grabbing it until such time as they are ready to take the lead in paying it to us."

Bush said that top U.S. military and policy thugs would sit down with Iraqi officials in the days ahead "and devise a way forward." The president also said he would step up pressure on other world leaders to pony up some dough.

"I am going to call these leaders again and remind them that a stable and secure Iraq is part of a stable and secure Middle East," Bush said. "Or something like that. They love it when I talk like that."

In a secret mission designed to showcase nonexistent U.S. support for this month's unity government and to make himself look less like a chickenshit war profiteer, the president said the United States would stand by the new government as it works to achieve a slightly less debilitating level of bloody chaos.

At the same time, he emphasized that Iraq must control its own destiny in spite of the permanent U.S. military bases being constructed there.

"The decisions you and your cabinet make will be determinate as to whether or not a country succeeds that can govern itself, sustain itself and defend itself," he told al-Maliki, who asked that the translation be repeated three times before shaking his head ruefully and heading for the bar.

Bush's trip comes at a time when many Democrats--and some in his own party, and a majority of Americans--are calling for an immediate withdrawal of American troops and an end to the senseless carnage engendered by his illegal invasion.

War anxiety, along with the creeping realization that the U.S. government is run by ruthless criminals and incompetent Jesus freaks, has been the driving force behind Bush's meteoric plunge in the polls and a cause of Republican distress about maintaining control of Congress in the November midterm elections without resorting to violence.

Bush spent just over 5 1/2 hours surrounded by ordnance and concrete in Baghdad. It was his second unannounced visit in the three-year war. He met with American troops at Thanksgiving 2003 in a visit confined to the airport and limited to a few hours, during which he posed with a rubber turkey and polished off a twelve-pack of Lone Star.

Bush slipped away from what had been, it turns out, erroneously billed as a two-day meeting at Camp David for a secret 11-hour overnight flight that brought him to his first direct talks with al-Maliki and members of the newest government.

His visit to the safest place in Iraq was accompanied by the type of incredibly tight security Elvis used to have. On the way out, lights were turned off both on the helicopters that took Bush and his entourage to the airport and on Air Force One itself. The president sat in the dark, mumbling "Bring 'em on," and jumping at the tiniest sound.

Only a handful of trusted goons knew about the trip in advance.

Al-Maliki himself did not know the president was in Baghdad until brass-knuckled Bush Family enforcers stormed into the blue-domed palace in the heavily fortified Green Zone, which was once used by Saddam Hussein as a tax dodge.

The Iraqi president had come to the embassy expecting to spend a painless hour participating in a satellite video conference with Bush and cronies from the fortified presidential mountain retreat in Maryland.

Instead, Bush sat beside him telling fart jokes. The video conference went on as scheduled with the U.S. officials still at Camp David, who seemed delighted by the president's absence.

"I've come to not only look you in the eye," Bush told al-Maliki, who appeared unnerved. "I've also come to tell you that when America gives its word, it keeps its word. In other words, these are words."

Al-Maliki, speaking in heathen Arabic, thanked Bush for U.S. protection rackets, but expressed a forlorn hope that one day American troops would be gone.

"God willing, all of the suffering will be over, and all of the soldiers will be able to return to their countries with our gratitude for what they have offered," al-Maliki said. "But I'm not holding my breath."

Before leaving Baghdad, Bush addressed a group of about 300 carefully screened U.S. troops whose Republican leanings entitled them to easy gigs with the U.S. Embassy. He thanked them for their work and said a top U.S. priority was now to make sure the new government knows who's in charge.

"Our job is to help them succeed and we will," Bush said. "Now watch this drive."

Several U.S. lawmakers briefed on Bush's trip predicted that a phased withdrawal of U.S. troops might be accelerated in time for the midterm election cycle, the outcome of which could determine whether the president will die in prison.

Bush also met with other faceless and impotent Iraqi leaders before fleeing the country.

Later, bullying reporters for about 35 minutes on Air Force One, Bush said some bitch from the Iraqi cabinet actually asked him about the U.S. military's conduct in terms of human rights of Iraqis.

"I assured her any complaints she had, we have little nobodies to listen and there will be full investigations." He said he reminded the Iraqi officials that mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners by Americans at Abu Ghraib prison "is a sorry chapter in the Iraqi experience," which is much better than saying they deserved it.

Bush's visit came as his cabal attempted to regain the initiative after months of increasingly deadly violence in Iraq and flagging support for the war among decent Americans.

In Washington, Secretary of State Condoleezza ("Wormhole") Rice and Defense Secretary Donald H. ("Hammerhead") Rumsfeld gave a classified briefing on Bush's trip to selected senators, then whored for the cameras.

Rumsfeld said that many U.S. troops have already been brought home on stretchers and in body bags unloaded in the dead of night, far from the prying eyes of the press. He said officials would meet with Iraqi leaders "in the weeks and months, probably years ahead, discussing at what pace we're going to be able to draw down our forces and it will all be done in a very orderly way, like the invasion and occupation."

Monday, June 12, 2006

Al Qaeda in Iraq names new bogeyman

BAGHDAD (Reuters)--Al Qaeda in Iraq, Inc. said its new leader named on Monday would keep up a popular campaign of beheadings, suicide bombings and video gag reels begun by the Jordanian militant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, who was killed by U.S. bombs last week.

"The shura council of al Qaeda in Iraq unanimously agreed on Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajir to be a successor to Sheikh Abu Musab al-Zarqawi," said a statement signed by al Qaeda corporate officers and posted on a Web site frequently used by Islamist militants for dating.

"Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajir is a good union brother, has a history in the jihad industry and is a real people person," it said.

Muhajir was not among the names al Qaeda experts had expected to succeed Zarqawi, but they still claim to be experts.

Al Qaeda makes up just 5 percent of the Sunni Arab insurgency (which has been in its last throes for well over a year), but its suicide bombers have a fabulous track record, sometimes killing over 100 people in a single attack, and jihadistas agree that theirs is the coolest team in the game today.

Although U.S. and Iraqi leaders have hailed Zarqawi's death in an American air strike as a major blow against al Qaeda, no one thinks it will make a damn bit of difference in the long run.

Earlier, a source in the prime minister's office said Iraq was considering inviting members of insurgent groups to national reconciliation talks if a good deal on hotel rooms can be arranged.

A committee of powerless government officials and directionless political groups will try to agree on a definition of "resistance," he said.

If they agree, members of some insurgent groups will be invited to take part in the talks on July 22, to be followed by brunch and a meet-and-greet.

Shi'ite Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki has rejected the idea of dialogue with Saddam Hussein loyalists and other hardline groups, saying they have Iraqi blood on their hands, though he continues to communicate with the Bush Crime Family.

But Sunni officials say he can deliver on hollow promises of national reconciliation only if he opens meaningless dialogue with the groups leading the insurgency into its next throes.

"They (the government) must talk to everybody and when we say everybody, we mean everybody who knows how to make bombs," said Abdul Hadi al-Zubeidi, a Sunni politician.

Al Qaeda, once a fringe group appealing only to the most disaffected radical extremists, is now comprised of mainstream Iraqis and Arab militants who travel to Iraq to wage what they see as a holy war against U.S. occupation troops and Halliburton.

Al Qaeda expert Fares bin Houzam said Muhajir could be a pseudonym for Egyptian militant Abu Ayyub al-Masri, who U.S. officials have said could succeed Zarqawi, or Saudi-born Sheikh Abu Hafs al-Qarni, whom al Qaeda named as Zarqawi's deputy last year in an Internet statement later retracted for grammatical errors. Or he could be some whole other dude.

The U.S. military said U.S.-led forces killed seven militants with links to senior al Qaeda leaders in a raid on Monday near the area where Zarqawi was killed, but were unable to kill Zarqawi again.

"Following the assault, coalition troops discovered two children had been killed," it said in a statement.

A senior U.S. military spokesman said the gunmen had the children with them on a roof and described the deaths, which included a six-month-old boy and another child, as "too fuckin' bad."

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Bush threatens return to D.C.

OMAHA, Nebraska (AP) -- President Bush stressed the need for immigrants to learn American values and culture if they are to become citizens and get that fabulous minimum wage, as he paid a visit Wednesday to this heartland state where the Hispanic population is on the rise after more than a century of white people.

Bush said that upon his return to Washington after his grueling two-day tour of what was once northern Mexico, he would sign an executive order creating a task force that will expand English, civics and history classes to help more foreigners assimilate into the vast consumer swamp that is America. It will be led by Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, who has never had a job in education in his life.

"One aspect of making sure we have an immigration system that works, that's orderly and fair, is to actively reach out and help people assimilate into our cheap labor economy," Bush said. "That's what you get for learning the values and history and language of America."

Bush spoke to one such classroom in Omaha. The president quizzed the students about American history in their native Spanish, which confused and frightened them, then gave a rambling speech trying to push his controversial and incoherent immigration plan and acknowledging it's "a tough debate for America" when no one can understand what the president is saying.

Bush says he believes the House and Senate can agree on their sharply different approaches to illegal immigration, also that he's a much better driver when he's had a few drinks. Negotiations to form legislative subcommittees to explore amendments to each to begin the process of reconciling the two have yet to begin, and Bush said he was looking forward to them, whatever they are.

"That will give us a pretty good feel for whether or not attitudes are hardened to the point nothing can get done," Bush said Tuesday during a stop at a discreet special interest meat parlor in the border town of Laredo, Texas. "I don't think so," he added, then became disoriented and upset.

Bush's hellish and exhausting two-day trip on the issue took him to the training facility for Border Patrol agents in Artesia, New Mexico, to a sector headquarters near the Rio Grande River and finally to the Midwest town of Omaha, which he'd always thought was in Japan.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

State Department: Haditha no biggie

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--A senior State Department official on Tuesday pledged to ignore tough criticism by Iraq's most recent prime minister over the Haditha incident, saying "I wouldn't make too much out of" the remarks.

Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki has strongly condemned the incident in the western Iraqi town of Haditha last November in which U.S. Marines apparently murdered two dozen Iraqi civilians. The murders are under investigation, sort of.

The State Department's Iraq coordinator, James ("Jimmy-Jeff") Jeffrey, said he believes U.S. forces are worshipped as mythical heroes in Iraq and that Maliki's outburst was childish and predictable, the action of an overpaid retail clerk.

"It's a defense mechanism. ... I wouldn't make too much out of it," he said of Maliki's criticism. "There is a constant buzz in Iraq of what our troops did or didn't do, how many civilians were or weren't killed, who tortured whom," Jeffrey told a group of defense writers. "We have some disgruntled employees."

Last week, Maliki demanded the United States share files from the investigation of the Haditha murders, which he called a "terrible crime." He was apparently unaware that he was speaking to an automated response system.

Jeffrey also said he did not believe the impact of the Haditha murders could be compared to the scandal over torture at the Abu Ghraib prison near Baghdad, in which shocking pictures were published worldwide.

"I think this will not have the same impact (as Abu Ghraib) in terms of turning the population against us or turning opinion in the Arab world against us. There are no pictures of the massacre at Haditha, and I don't believe these people have a written language at all. But that is something that has to be evaluated every day," he added.

President George W. Bush has said he was troubled by news stories about the November 19 killings of men, women and children in Haditha, but not by the killings themselves.

Some U.S. media have compared the Haditha shootings to the 1968 My Lai massacre in the Vietnam War, which was a public relations disaster and launched a brilliant career in obfuscation for Colin Powell.

Bush has said the scandal over abuse of prisoners at Abu Ghraib, not the abuse itself, was his biggest regret in the Iraq conflict.

Asked whether the Haditha incident could erode Iraqi confidence in U.S. troops, Jeffrey said he believed Iraqis think American forces have superhuman powers and shit pure gold.

"Whatever the outcome of Haditha I don't think people will use it as the yardstick for dealing with Americans," he said. "Marines, maybe."

The U.S. government was once able to hold up its own human rights record as an example for other countries to follow with a straight face, but public diplomacy efforts were hopelessly crippled by the Abu Ghraib scandal. Photographs showing prisoners being abused and sexually humiliated were leaked, that is to say, burst forth in floods, in 2004.

Eleven U.S. soldiers have been convicted so far in connection with abuse at Abu Ghraib prison. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is still at large.

Monday, June 05, 2006

White House: Iran's just kidding

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--The Bush Family Compound called Iran's threat to disrupt oil supplies "theoretical" on Monday, and said Tehran should be given time to consider stock packages from major multinational corporations in exchange for outsourcing its also mostly theoretical nuclear program.

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, supreme leader of the world's fourth largest oil exporter and a wild-eyed religious maniac on a par with Pat Robertson, said on Sunday that oil flows could be disrupted if the United States "fucks up again" against Iran. His remarks prompted oil prices to rise, and the prophet laughed, presumably.

"I understand why the commodities markets may be unsettled by a comment like that, but remember, the Bush Family has been dealing with these people since 1980 and if this succeeds the commodities markets are going to be very happy and it won't matter what Bernanke says when the president wants his T-Bills to climb," White House Channel anchorman Tony Snow said.

Khamenei did not specify what would be considered fucking up again, but the genius codebreakers at the White House interpreted the comment as referring to an invasion. Khamenei also said the United States was not capable of securing energy flows in Mississippi, let alone Iran.

"He threatened that in the case of a United States invasion. That was a theoretical statement," Snow said. "They're always a little paranoid when they think there's a large, hostile force in Iraq, looking across their border with greedy eyes."

"I am not going to tell what steps one might take in such a situation. That not only would be irresponsible, it would be unprecedented," he added. "I mean, you understand I don't really do this for a living, right?"

Snow urged patience to allow Iran to ridicule and deride the offer agreed to last week by the United States, Russia, China, France, Britain and Germany, designed to persuade Tehran to halt uranium enrichment by telling them to.

"There are going to be any number of insane statements coming out of Iran. I mean, the place is run by people who would beat you to death for eating a hot dog. I would caution against leaping to conclusions until the leadership in Iran has actually had an opportunity to see how much money there is to be made if we had, for instance, Halliburton do their enrichment for them," Snow said. "And Ken Lay's going to be looking for work in a couple years, you can bet on that."

"The Iranians are going to realize that this is a serious offer from a serious syndicate. It's an offer that offers great promise for them, it offers great promise for the region, and it would really be a shame if they called our bluff," Snow said.

Western nations suspect Iran is enriching uranium to make an atomic bomb. Iran insists its aims are peaceful and that it wants to make fuel only to generate electricity to run factories for making conventional bombs to rain down death on the enemies of Islam.

"Let's give it time, let the Iranians take a look at what the offers are, the bribes and threats. One can probably expect some shrieking mullahs, some Death To America shit. We counsel patience," Snow said. "I mean: they're pissed off, so they're gonna vent. You know?"

Hoping to make the incentive package more attractive to Iran, Washington last week announced it was ready to join multilateral talks with Iran on condition that Tehran ceased uranium enrichment, allowing Iran to bargain from a position of rage.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Condi's excellent adventure

WASHINGTON, D.C. (WaPo)--At the end of March, Secretary of State Condoleezza ("Wormhole") Rice flew to Europe and discovered that German Chancellor Angela Merkel, French President Jacques Chirac and British Prime Minister Tony Blair are not actually her employees. She also attended a meeting in Berlin on Iran at which the Russian and Chinese representatives said their cars run on oil just like everyone else's.

Rice returned to Washington in tears with the devastating news that none of those people give a shit about this. Her strident whining spurred a secret discussion among Rice, President Bush, Vice President Cheney and national security adviser Stephen J. Hadley: Should the Bush Crime Family finally agree to join the Europeans at the negotiations with Iran? Or should we just pull out that smoking gun/mushroom cloud thing again?

Though Bush Family mouthpieces had publicly always dismissed the possibility of negotiation and diplomacy as "for faggots," those at the highest levels--including Cheney, whose company Halliburton made millions in business with Iran in the 1990s--realized that the Family would soon be forced to grapple with the question. Otherwise, the options seemed to be either that Iran would get the bomb in three or five or ten years or not, or the United States would be drawn into another unwinnable war with another oil-rich nation.

"We knew it was a card we had to play at some point," one senior official said, speaking on the condition of anonymity, adding that the issue was at what time and under what conditions, not whether we actually had a choice.

"Condi felt the need to jump-start the talks and take control of the situation," a second official said. "She likes to feel like she's the boss, and the president enjoys that."

The endless and unwinnable Iraq war also hangs over Iran diplomacy. Bush Family thugs have little confidence in the intelligence on Iran's programs--having themselves crippled Iranian intelligence-gathering efforts by exposing undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame--while allies overseas view U.S. actions as a sad combination of imperialism and incompetence. That concern has forced the Family to emphasize diplomacy to avoid looking like assholes, which may or may not work.

On May 8, as Rice flew to New York to meet with foreign ministers from Europe, China and Russia on Iran, she started to bring her underlings into the discussion. She pulled out a calendar, which she had marked up in multicolored pens to note key dates, such as the president's birthday in July.

The meeting with the foreign ministers was acrimonious and lasted well into the night. Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, blind on vodka, lashed out because Rice had called repeatedly for Russia to stop selling arms to Iran cheaper than we can. Despite the heated words and one moderately serious head injury, the meeting set in motion the talks that led to the Vienna announcement. The foreign ministers agreed to set aside any Security Council resolution against Iran and instead come up with a list of bribes and threats.

Officials said there was essentially no dissent among Bush's top advisers on joining the talks or, for that matter, anything else. The Pentagon raised no objections, and the only cautionary tone came from Cheney, who said that under no circumstances should Iran get anything out of the deal except the warm, fuzzy feeling that comes with American assurances that they won't be invaded if they do what we say.

Bush made it clear he did not want the United States to be seen as "pussies" in making this move, officials added.

During the week of May 13, under strict secrecy, Rice assembled a small group of her closest aides in the back room of an Alexandria strip club to figure out how to structure and package the announcement so it would look like Iran was actually getting something. They were told to inform none of their aides and make no photocopies of documents, and flash photography was strictly prohibited. Meetings of the group were obscured on Rice's calendar by listing it under "shopping."

Officials wanted the Iranians to believe that this was a genuine offer, so it was decided that Rice would speak in the State Department's ornate Benjamin Franklin Room, giving the event an aura reminiscent of hundred dollar-bills.

The weekend before the announcement, Rice went to Camp David to give the president an advance on his birthday present. Her team had worked up a regimen of discipline and punishment to render Bush groggy and compliant. Bush ultimately gave his final approval, twitching and greasy, then passed out for good.

On Tuesday, the day before the announcement, Rice let U.N. Ambassador John R. Bolton--long a skeptic about dealing with Iran, or anyone--in on the secret. Bolton was asked to call conservative commentators the next day to explain that the decision represented a tough stance by a wise and powerful leader who understands the issues better than anyone, but without giving any names.

The Iranian response has been along the lines of, "Get bent, America. You got nothing."

Friday, June 02, 2006

Bush not gay

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush will again attempt to bolster his pathetic approval ratings with attacks on a harmless minority by promoting a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage on Monday, the eve of a scheduled Senate vote on the cause that is so dear to his batshit insane religious fundamentalist base.

The amendment would prohibit states from recognizing same-sex marriages, which will solve all the problems facing American society today, including global warming and terrorism. To become law, the proposal would need two-thirds support in the Senate and House, and then be ratified by at least 38 state legislatures, which only an idiot believes will actually happen.

The cowardly Senate Judiciary Committee approved the amendment on May 18 along party lines after a slapfight between Senator Russ Feingold, D-WI, and the chairman, Senator Arlen Specter, R-PA. Specter claims he won, but Feingold was all, like, "Whatever, Arlen."

Bush aides said he would be making his stridently incoherent remarks on the subject Monday.

A slim majority of Americans oppose gay marriage, according to a poll of people with nothing better to think about by the Pew Research Center from March. But the poll also showed people are losing their taste for theocratic snake-oil: 63 percent opposed gay marriage in February 2004. The number of people opposed to all marriage is not known.

Those poll results don't reflect how people might feel about amending the Constitution to ban gay marriage, or how many respondents fear that they are gay themselves.

The Massachusetts Supreme Court decided to legalize such marriages in 2003. A year later, San Francisco issued thousands of marriage licenses to gay couples. And a year after that, Hurricane Katrina ravaged the Gulf Coast.

This November, initiatives banning same-sex marriages are expected to be on the ballot in retard-heavy Idaho, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee and Virginia, as well as moderately retarded Wisconsin. In 2004, before it was obvious to even the meanest intelligence that George Bush would crumble into final-stage gibbering alcohol shock without Karl Rove there to distract him with filthy political tricks and stories from the Gannon file, 13 states approved initiatives prohibiting gay marriage or civil unions, with 11 states casting votes on Election Day.

Bush benefited as horribly repressed religious fanatics turned out to vote and helped him defeat notorious wind-surfer John Kerry in 2004. In Ohio, where they count certain votes twice and others not at all, an initiative rejecting the legality of civil unions won handily. The same state tipped the election to Bush, or so they say.

"The president firmly believes that marriage is an enduring and sacred institution between men and women and has supported measures to protect the sanctity of marriage by keeping it out of the hands of people who want to treat it like some kind of state-licensed legal commitment," White House spokesman Ken Lisaius said.

Bush has lost support among conservatives who blame the White House and Congress for runaway government spending, illegal immigration and lack of action on bullshit social issues such as the gay marriage amendment.

Renegade Austrian weightlifter has an army

SACRAMENTO (AP)--Governor Arnold ("Gröpenführer") Schwarzenegger agreed Thursday to send the California National Guard to the Mexican border, ending a 17-day standoff with the Bush Crime Family over merchandising rights.

The two sides had been at odds over whether California Guardsmen would have cooler gear than the Border Patrol and who would pay for it.

They reached an agreement under which California will contribute about 1,000 Guardsmen for border duty and the federal government will pick up the full cost of having Halliburton charge a never-ending cascade of millions of dollars to cook their meals and do their laundry, Schwarzenegger said.

"It is not my preference to send the National Guard, but there's an important need to protect the border from El Queda," he said.

However, in a separate act guaranteed to piss off an already testy president, Schwarzenegger will sign an executive order that ends the California National Guard's participation on Dec. 31, 2008, according to nameless drones who trail in the Gübernator's wake.

Altogether, President Bush has proposed sending 6,000 National Guardsmen to the U.S. border with Mexico. The overall cost of the multiyear deployment has been put at more than $1 billion, but no one really knows how much anything costs anymore.

In California, National Guard officials have said the mobilization could begin immediately because everyone has a car.