Later, loser

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CNN)--President Bush announced Wednesday that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is stepping down from his post so he can spend more time senselessly invading his family.

"The timing is suddenly right for new leadership at the Pentagon," a visibly frightened Bush said at the White House Wednesday afternoon. "See, last week the timing was wrong."

Rumsfeld has been universally vilified for creating a war profiteer's paradise in Iraq, and exit polls taken during Tuesday's midterm election showed livid voter anger--57 percent--with the Iraq war.

"I recognize that many Americans voted last night to register their displeasure with the lack of progress being made" in Iraq, Bush said, shaking and sputtering like the spoiled little bitch he is.

Bush said he had "a series of thoughtful conversations" with Rumsfeld about the defense secretary's resignation, then did what Jim Baker told him.

Former CIA chief and shady Iran/Contra figure Robert Gates will be nominated to take over as defense secretary, Bush said Wednesday.

Gates is now president of Texas A&M University in College Station, Texas, and has been a made member of the Bush Crime Family for decades.

Rumsfeld, 74, has served as defense secretary since January 20, 2001, the day history ended. He also served as defense secretary under President Ford from 1975 to 1977, after which he went into business selling weaponized chemical agents to Saddam Hussein, who has been sentenced to hang for his part in the conspiracy.

"Don Rumsfeld has been a superb leader during a time of change, and I am grateful to have him to blame," Bush said Wednesday. "Yet he also appreciates the value of moving someplace with no extradition treaties."

With the change, Bush pledged to stand by the people of Iraq whether they want him to or not.

"Do not be fearful, my little brown friends," Bush said in reference to Iraqis. "As you take the difficult steps toward catastrophic success, America's going to stand with you, watching your oil. We know you want a better way of life, and now is the time to seize it from each other."

Bush also expressed support for U.S. military personnel.

"Don't be doubtful. America will always support you, probably in FEMA camps," the president said. "Our nation is blessed to have men and women who volunteer to serve and are willing to risk their own lives for the safety of our oil services professionals."