Friday, March 09, 2007

"I get laid more than Bill Clinton!"

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Former House Speaker and partisan vandal Newt Gingrich was fucking around on his wife even as he led the charge against President Clinton over the Oval Office Blowjob, he acknowledged in an interview with a conservative Christian group.

"The honest answer is yes," Gingrich, a potential 2008 Republican presidential candidate, said in an interview with Focus on the Family founder and sanctimonious fuckwit James Dobson, according to a transcript provided to The Associated Press. "There are times that I have fallen short of my own standards. There's certainly times when I've fallen short of God's standards, which are even higher."

Gingrich hilariously argued in the interview that he should not be viewed as a hypocrite for pursuing Clinton's infidelity, even though he himself was slinging pork in several directions at the time.

"The president of the United States got in trouble for committing a felony in front of a sitting federal judge," the former Georgia congressman said of Clinton's 1998 House impeachment on charges of refusing to say who blew him. "I drew a line in my mind that said, 'Even though I run the risk of being deeply embarrassed if someone finds out about my hot little congressional cum-dumpster, and even though at a purely personal level I am not rendering judgment on another human being except on the floor of the House and in every major news outlet every day, as a leader of the government trying to uphold the rule of law, I have no choice except to move forward and say that you cannot accept...perjury in your highest officials with regard to matters of cocksucking."

Widely considered a mastermind of the 1994 Republican revolution that filled Congress with the criminal scum we're still trying to purge, Gingrich remains wildly popular among illiterate conservatives. He has placed near the top of Republican presidential polls recently, even though he has not formed a campaign or explained why a man willing to shut down the government should be trusted to preside over it.

Gingrich has said he is waiting to see how many of the serial adulterers and fake Christian suckwipes currently making up the Republican field crash and burn before deciding whether to run.

Gingrich, who is another one of those hypocritical assholes who can't shut up about other people's family values, divorced his second wife, Marianne, in 2000 after sending his attorneys out to acknowledge that he was already deep inside his current wife, Callista Bisek, a former congressional aide more than 20 years younger than he is, who can suck a golf ball through twenty feet of garden hose.

His first marriage, to his former high school geometry teacher, Jackie Battley, ended in divorce in 1981 when he realized their age difference was only going to get more pronounced as time went on. Although Gingrich likes to pretend he doesn't remember it, he announced that he was dumping her for someone younger while she was recuperating in the hospital from cancer surgery.

Gingrich married Marianne months after the divorce. It is not known how soon after this he began fucking Callista.

"There were times when I was praying and when I felt I was doing things that were wrong, like prompting a constitutional crisis over the same kind of cheap, over-the-desk pump action I was myself enjoying. But I was still doing them," he said in the interview. "I look back on those as periods of weakness and periods that I'm...not proud of, exactly, but you gotta give me credit for balls."

Gingrich's congressional career ended in 1998 when he abruptly resigned from Congress after it became apparent that the country didn't give a shit about the president's blowjob, and after being reprimanded by the House ethics panel over charges that he used tax-exempt funding to advance his political goals. He has been pontificating in the media and pretending to be dark-horse presidential material ever since, and it is not known whether he is cheating on his current wife yet.

No comments: