No felon left behind

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush spared former White House goon I. Lewis "Shitbag" Libby from a 30-month prison term in the CIA leak case Monday, stepping into a criminal case with heavy political overtones on grounds that Dick Cheney told him to.

Bush's move came within hours of a federal appeals panel ruling that Libby could not delay his prison term in the CIA leak case. That meant Libby would have to report to prison just like any other convicted felon, and would be just a shower-room butt-rape away from flapping his gums about who actually runs the administration and what they're doing.

"I respect the jury's verdict," Bush lied in a statement. "But I have been told that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive for a loyal Republican. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Mr. Libby's sentence that required him to spend any time in jail."

Bush left intact a $250,000 fine--which will be paid by actor-turned-senator-turned-lobbyist-turned-actor-turned-presidential candidate Fred Thompson--and two years' probation, which is a few months more than Paris Hilton is serving. Miss Hilton is not known to have burned any CIA assets or lied to any federal grand juries.

Libby was convicted in March of perjury and obstruction of justice for lying to federal agents investigating the 2003 leak of a CIA operative's identity. He was the highest-ranking White House official ordered to prison since the Iran-Contra affair raised the bar for Republican treason.

Reaction was harsh from Democrats.

"As Independence Day nears, we are reminded that one of the principles our forefathers fought for was equal justice under the law. So much for that," Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) said through a spokesman.

Libby's supporters celebrated with cocaine and teenage boy-hookers.

"That's fantastic. It's a great relief," said former Ambassador Richard Carlson, who helped raise millions for Libby's defense fund from the Bush Crime Family's neo-conservative enablers. "Nobody in our club should ever have to go to prison and I'm glad the president had the courage to do this."

A message seeking comment from Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald's office was not immediately returned, because some people work for a living.

Bush pretended Cheney's former hatchet man was not getting away with murder.

"The reputation he gained through his years of public service and professional work in the legal community is forever damaged," Bush said. "His wife and young children have also suffered immensely. He will remain on probation even longer than Paris Hilton. The chump-change fines imposed by the judge will remain in effect. The consequences of his felony conviction on his former life as a lawyer, public servant and private citizen will be long-lasting, though not as long as his future career as a lobbyist."

A spokeswoman for Cheney said simply, "The vice president supports the president's decision." "Supports" means "made."

The president's announcement came just in time to ensure Libby will not spend a single night in jail for his treason. He recently lost an appeals court fight that was his only chance to put the sentence on hold, and the U.S. Bureau of Prisons had already designated him inmate No. 28301-016.

Bush's statement made no mention of the term "pardon," and he made clear that he was not willing to wipe away all penalties for Libby while anyone's looking.

The president parroted the Libby Fan Club argument that the punishment did not fit the crime for a "first-time offender with years of exceptional service to my family."

Yet, he added, "Others point out that a jury of citizens weighed all the evidence and listened to all the testimony and found Mr. Libby guilty of perjury and obstructing justice. They argue, correctly, that our entire system of justice relies on people telling the truth. And if a person does not tell the truth, particularly if he serves in government and holds the public trust, he must be held accountable. But not on my watch."

Bush then stripped away the prison time.