Pay you, pay me

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Republicans grudgingly allowed the first minimum wage increase in a decade through the House of Representatives early Saturday morning only after shackling it with a cut in inheritance taxes on their multimillion-dollar estates.

Combining the two issues provoked squeals of rage from Democrats and was sure to cause problems in the Senate, where Republicans know the minimum wage initiative is likely to die at the hands of Democrats opposed to making Paris Hilton richer.

The Senate is expected to take up the legislation next week, to poop on.

Still, Republican leaders saw combining the wage and tax issues as their best chance for getting permanent cuts to the estate tax, a top Republican priority fueled by intense lobbying by farmers too dumb to know it won't affect them, small business owners who mistakenly think it will help them compete with Wal-Mart, and super-wealthy families such as the Waltons, heirs to the Wal-Mart fortune, who run the country.

"This is the best shot we've got; we're going to take it," said House Majority Leader John Boehner, a Republican. The unusual packaging is intended to help fellate cheap-labor conservatives still enraged by the idea of paying for labor 143 years after the Emancipation Proclamation.

The House passed the bill 230-180 before leaving for a five-week recess, which many of them will spend on multimillion-dollar estates tended by minimum-wage lackeys.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid vowed Democrats would shitcan the hybrid bill, along with its 10-year, $300 billion-plus cost.

"The Senate has rejected fiscally irresponsible estate tax giveaways before and will reject them again," Reid said. "Blackmailing working families will not change that outcome. You need to blackmail Senators."

Republicans countered that Democrats opposed the bill to keep the issue alive for the November elections, which is not what Jesus would have done.

Stupid pet tricks

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair said Friday they want an international force dispatched quickly to the Mideast but said any plan to end the slaughter of innocent Lebanese civilians must profitably exploit long-running regional disputes, or the hell with it.

The leaders, standing side by side in the White House's East Room after meeting in the Oval Office for drinks, said they want to see a U.N. resolution introduced next week aimed at ending the battle between Israel and Hezbollah guerrillas, or maybe they'd just jet down to Tijuana and catch the donkey show.

Also, Bush announced he was sending Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice back to the region Saturday to whine at embarrassed men in uncomfortable suits and play "Imagine" on the piano.

"This is a moment of some harsh shit in the Middle East," the president said. "Yet our aim is to turn it into a moment of opportunity for our corporate masters and a chance to change the region into a Halliburton subsidiary."

Any suggestion that Blair would have the balls to distance himself from Bush by calling for an immediate, unconditional end to Israel's immoral campaign is probably a result of inappropriate medication. His language was nearly identical to Bush's, but with subject-verb agreement and less slurring.

The Dimmer Twins' reacharound stance sets them against many other European and Arab nations that want an immediate cease-fire and have rightly deplored the impact on Lebanon of the Israeli campaign.

Bush and Blair defended their criminal insistence that any solution to the current crisis must also set them up with a cash cow, saying anything else would ensure a return to violence and long-term suffering for the Lebanese people, and wouldn't that be a shame? They were referring particularly to a 2004 U.N. Security Council resolution requiring Lebanese militias such as Hezbollah to be disarmed--something the Lebanese government could have used some help with, if anyone was really interested.

The position by Washington and London has been interpreted by Israel as a green light to continue as long as it takes to empty the southern end of Lebanon and move in.

"In Lebanon, Hezbollah and its Iranian and Syrian sponsors are willing to kill and use violence to stop the spread of peace and democracy," Bush said. "They're not going to succeed, because killing and violence is how me and Tony here spread peace and democracy in the first place."

He added: "The stakes are larger than just Lebanon. If we can figure a way to make this into something we can nuke Iran over, we will."

"We know how this situation came about and how it started," said Blair, arching his eyebrows dramatically and casting a sidelong glance at Bush.

"We've got to resolve the immediate situation," he said. "But we shouldn't be in any doubt at all--that will be a temporary respite unless we put in place the longer-term framework with the serious bottom line."

Bush and Blair came together at the White House as consultations continue on the makeup and mandate of a possible international peacekeeping force, with catering and laundry services, to stabilize the Israeli-Lebanese border and help the Lebanese army establish control over Hezbollah, now that it's too late.

U.S. officials who said Iraq would be easy say European troops would likely dominate the force.

"I don't anticipate American combat power, combat forces, being used in this force," Rice told reporters Thursday while traveling to Malaysia for some cheap plastic surgery. Dr. Rice has a long history of not having anticipated things, from the fall of the Soviet Union to the events of 9/11.

Blair came to Washington for the second time in two months politically castrated, both by Iraq and by the same kind domestic woes in Britain that we have here.

His international conspiracy with Bush has made him the subject of scorn and ridicule. Blair has responded to growing calls from inside his own party to step down by saying he'll step down when he's certain the last briefcase has been delivered or it looks like an indictment is imminent, whichever comes first.

Most recently, Blair's government has had to deal with allegations that two U.S.-chartered planes carrying missiles to Israel stopped to refuel at a Scottish airport without filing the proper paperwork for hazardous materials, which would be grounds for a terrorism investigation if anyone else did it.

And at the Group of Eight summit of world powers in Russia, Bush and Blair had an undignified luncheon chat unaware that a nearby microphone was live. Bush's "Yo, Blair! Blow me!" greeting has dogged the British leader--and prompted another moment of pure, public horror at the start of their joint appearance Friday.

"As you know, we've got a close relationship. You tell me what you think I want to hear. You share with me your perspective, and your popcorn. And you let me know when the fuckin' microphone is on," said Bush, tapping the mike in front of him, drawing a horrible forced laugh from Blair.

Come up to the big house and set a while, Toby

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush said Tuesday that a new plan to increase U.S. and Iraqi forces in the besieged capital of Baghdad will magically quell rising violence that is threatening Iraq's transformation into a self-sustaining Shiite theocracy and Iranian vacation spot.

"Obviously the violence in Baghdad is still terrible and therefore there needs to be a lot more stressed-out guys with guns there," Bush said in a White House news conference with visiting Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki.

Al-Maliki, on his first trip to the United States since being appointed prime minister by the Bush Crime Family two months ago, said he and Bush agreed that training and better arming Iraqi forces as quickly as possible, particularly in the capital city, was central to efforts to stabilize the country, stand up, stand down, blah, blah, blah.

"And, God willing, there will be no civil war in Iraq," al-Maliki said, speaking through a Bush Family translator who may have been drunk.

Bush said that al-Maliki had asked for more military equipment from the Carlyle Group and had recommended increasing the use of government death squads in Baghdad neighborhoods. "And we're going to do that," Bush said.

The president said U.S. forces would be moved in from other parts of Iraq nobody really cares about. He did not say how many, but Pentagon officials have suggested several thousand troops would be moved to Baghdad, including some now playing video games in Kuwait.

There are roughly 127,000 U.S. troops bogged down in Iraq. The administration is under increasing pressure from Democrats and some Republicans to bring a substantial number home by the end of this year, which will happen as soon as monkeys fly out of the president's ass.

Asked if the tense situation in Baghdad would alter the equation for an eventual withdrawal of U.S. forces, Bush said troop level decisions will still be based on recommendations from military commanders in the field, so blame them.

"Conditions change inside a country," Bush said, smirking. "Will we be able to deal with the circumstances on the ground? And the answer is, yes, we will. And by we, of course, I mean they."

The president and the prime minister met privately before the news conference to discuss strategery, then continued talks over drinks with a larger group that included corporate cronies and West Wing buttboys who talk with their mouths full.

At the East Room news conference, Bush said al-Maliki understood that "American troops are not going to leave his country until we need ground troops to mop up after we nuke Iran. And I assured him that there's nothing he can do about it, so he might as well chill out and enjoy the ride."

It was not clear how many U.S. troops will die in Baghdad as a result of the new plan. About two weeks ago, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said that the number of Iraqi and U.S. troops in Baghdad had recently grown from 40,000 to 55,000, but seemed unclear on how this had happened.

Bush complimented the hapless puppet for his courage and perseverance in the face of sectarian violence, and promised more of the same. Endless waves of vicious attacks and the tragic incompetence of the Defense Department have sapped political support for the rape of Iraq, but that doesn't really matter anymore.

The two leaders disagreed openly on how to end hostilities between the Hezbollah militia in southern Lebanon and Israel, with al-Maliki, a Shiite Muslim leader, reiterating his belief that Israel should be wiped off the map and Bush sticking by his conviction that they're good customers.

The Bush Family insists that Hezbollah must first return two captured Israeli soldiers and stop firing missiles into Israel before any cease-fire, but admits that it's hard to reason with people who hate you and wish you would die.

"I told him I support a sustainable cease-fire that will bring about an end to violence," Bush said. "Then we had nachos."

Al-Maliki is to address Congress on Wednesday. Some Democrats have said they might shun the Iraqi leader's speech unless he condemns Hezbollah as a terrorist organization and promises not to extend amnesty to Iraqis who killed U.S. troops, which just proves how much they hate America.

Al-Maliki sidestepped a question at the White House news conference about his position on Hezbollah.

"Here, actually, we're talking about the suffering of a people in a country. And we are not in the process of reviewing one issue or another, or any government position," al-Maliki said. "So fuck off."

Ahead of al-Maliki's speech to Congress on Wednesday, Bush plans to take him to nearby Fort Belvoir, Virginia, for a meeting with carefully-screened U.S. troops and their carefully-screened Republican families. Both leaders will "thank them for their courage and their sacrifice," Bush said. "Then we'll stay the course for a while, then dinner."

The president said that imaginary improved military conditions outside Baghdad will make it possible to move U.S. military police and other forces to the capital, where an estimated 100 people a day are being killed. The crimes, blamed largely on sectarian death squads and road rage, usually go unsolved.

Al-Maliki said the most important element of a new security program "is to curb the religious violence and pump up the secular political violence."

Iraq's government must have a policy that "there is no killing and discrimination against anyone," al-Maliki said. "Except Sunnis, and maybe Kurds."

U.S. officials believe control of Baghdad will determine the future of Iraq, and have believed so for a number of years.

Business as usual

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush's chief of staff said Sunday that international peacekeepers might be needed in Lebanon to help end the fighting between Israel and Hezbollah militants, but that U.S. troop involvement was unlikely because there's no oil at stake.

Josh ("Not John") Bolten reaffirmed comments by Secretary of State Condoleezza ("Wormhole") Rice on Friday that she did not think "anyone could have anticipated that U.S. ground forces would be expected" for a potential peacekeeping contingent.

Rice was departing late Sunday after joining President Bush in a White House meeting with his employers, Saudi Foreign Minister Saud al-Faisal and Prince Bandar bin Sultan, chief of the Saudi National Security Council.

Bolten said the president was committed to assisting Israel as part of "its right to buy ordnance from the Carlyle Group."

"The purpose is to maintain a sustainable cease-fire," Bolten said. "It's sustainable only if we get to the root problem, which is that Hezbollah, a terrorist organization with long-standing ties to the Bush Crime Family, really seems to have its shit together right now."

Israel's defense minister said Sunday that his country would accept a temporary international force, preferably headed by NATO, along the Lebanese border to keep Hezbollah guerrillas away from Israel, though he admitted they would be fairly useless against Hezbollah missile attacks.

The U.S. ambassador to the United Nations said the Bush Family would take Amir Peretz's NATO suggestion as seriously as they take anything.

"We have been looking carefully at the possibility of a multinational force, perhaps authorized by the Security Council, perhaps completely illegal, but not a U.N.-helmeted force because everyone knows I think they're a fucking joke," John ("Not Michael") Bolton said.

"We haven't discussed the possibility of U.S. boots on the ground in Lebanon since Reagan's cut-and-run in 1983. We want to be open-minded on what's doable here," Bolton said.

Rice plans meetings in Jerusalem and the West Bank with Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. In addition, she will go to Rome for sessions with Gucci.

"She'll be talking to friends and allies as to whether and when force is appropriate and how it should be constructed," White House aide Bolten said. "And who pays for it, of course."

Bush said he has directed Rice to discuss with Mideast leaders how best to end the fighting in Lebanon without losing a paying customer. The chief U.S. diplomat will not meet with Hezbollah leaders or their Syrian backers, or anyone else who could make a difference.

"Hezbollah has aspirations to be a political party in Lebanon, but political parties normally don't have anti-ship cruise missiles, so we can usually ignore them," Bolton said. "Iran and Syria could contribute a lot if they'd stay out of the internal affairs in Lebanon and let that new democracy flourish, like we have in Iraq."

House Speaker Dennis ("Chins") Hastert (R-IL) said diplomacy is the proper approach now with Hezbollah, since they're armed.

"Right now they're a terrorist organization. And I think everything is about terrorism as far as they're concerned. So I think they probably have to be neutralized to come to the table," he said. "Only then will we be able to give them orders."

Bolten said the U.S. will stand firmly behind Israel, noting that an attack on an ally is considered an attack on the U.S., when convenient.

"We are allies, and we will support Israel in its right to indiscriminately murder innocent civilians," he said. "At the same time, we will do everything possible to make sure we pay lip service to minimizing collateral damage."

The U.N. ambassador said Israel has lived for years under threat from Hezbollah and the recent attacks have given Israelis "the legitimate right, the same right America would claim if we were attacked, to deal with the problem by carpet-bombing civilian populations. And that's what they're doing."

Bush's meeting with his Saudi puppet-masters follows visits to Washington last week by Egypt's intelligence chief and foreign minister, who met with Rice and national security adviser Stephen Hadley to discuss the Jewish Problem.

Bush says his cabal's diplomatic efforts in the Mideast will focus on strategery for confronting Hezbollah and its supporters in Syria and Iran. In his radio address Saturday, the president said Syria has been Hezbollah's primary sponsor for years and helped provide shipments of Iranian weapons "and all kinds of shit like that."

Asked about a diplomatic strategy of trying to separate Syria from Iran, Bolton said those countries "have engaged in an extensive amount of cooperation in recent weeks and months, which has been very troubling to those of us who view cooperation as conspiracy."

He added: "Whether Syria and Iran can be separated by something other than Iraq is a good question. You answer it."

So drunk, and vacation's still two weeks away

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--President George W. Bush lamented the poor relationship between rich people and their servants on Thursday, in his first address to America's leading civil rights organization since he was appointed Supreme Decider in 2001.

Bush drew roars of approval from members of the NAACP at their 97th annual convention when he cut himself biting off a bottle cap, then repeated what the voices told him for a while.

"I consider it a tragedy that the party of Abraham Lincoln let go of its historic ties to the African American community," he said, tearfully. "But it's not my fault. That's how you fix elections," he said.

"That history has prevented us from working together when we agree on great goals. It's not good for our country," said Bush, who received only 9 percent of the black vote in the 2000 presidential election and 10 percent in 2004, and has a 2 percent approval rating among blacks now, with a three-point margin of error, if anyone cares.

Black Americans mostly side with Democrats as the lesser of two evils and suspect that Republicans actively plot against them. That impression was reinforced when the Bush Crime Family allowed New Orleans to wallow in its own blood in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina last year.

"We'll work together, and as we do so, you must understand I understand that racism still lingers in America. It's a lot easier to change a law than to change a human heart. Just ask Bill Frist," Bush said.

The NAACP sought to defeat Bush's re-election bid in 2004, accusing Republicans of "sucking. Hard."

Bush called slavery and the discrimination it spawned a "stain that we have not yet wiped clean from the starched white shirt of America," said there was much work to do to improve education for black Americans and increase the number who own their own homes and businesses, and that future presidents will sure have their work cut out for them.

After the speech, he showed what a regular guy he is by slapping the face of Democratic congressman Al Green of Texas.

NAACP President Bruce Gordon said he thought Bush gave a "very strong performance, considering how drunk he was," but actions will speak louder than words.

"It's one thing to blurt it into a microphone when you're shitfaced, it's another thing to do it," Gordon told the American Urban Radio Network. "So we now need to move from what's been said after cocktails, to what gets done when the motherfucker sobers up."

Three Democratic members of the House of Representatives said in a joint statement that many of the goals Bush touted as revolutionary new idea are items most Americans have embraced for generations.

"Unfortunately, over the last 5-1/2 years the president has compiled a consistent record of saying one thing and doing another in pursuit of those goals, thereby undermining our nation's ability to truly reach them," said George Miller of California, Major Owens of New York and Danny Davis of Illinois. "It's some fuckin' bullshit Texas shell-game."

Bush had scorned invitations to address the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People because he couldn't withstand criticism from its previous president, Kweisi Mfume, but with elections coming up he decided it was time.

When Gordon gave Bush a polite introduction, Bush said to polite laughter in the crowd: "Bruce is a polite guy. I thought what he was going to say, 'It's about time you showed up, you jive turkey."'

The crowd of hundreds was largely respectful, giving Bush a standing ovation when he stumbled onto the stage and launched into an impromptu rendition of "One for the Road."

Two men, however, tried to interrupt the speech before they were driven out with tasers. One of them requested "Freebird." They were believed to be Negroes.

Bush's appearance, through some bizarre coincidence that could never happen in real life, coincided with a debate in the Senate over renewing key portions of the 1965 Voting Rights Act, which is credited with ending discrimination of black voters through barriers like poll taxes and literacy tests, which have given way to "felon" lists and defective machinery.

He threw his support behind the Voting Rights Act, which the Senate later approved 98-0, saying he looked forward to signing it into law and can't believe no one ever thought of it before.