Stupid pet tricks

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair said Friday they want an international force dispatched quickly to the Mideast but said any plan to end the slaughter of innocent Lebanese civilians must profitably exploit long-running regional disputes, or the hell with it.

The leaders, standing side by side in the White House's East Room after meeting in the Oval Office for drinks, said they want to see a U.N. resolution introduced next week aimed at ending the battle between Israel and Hezbollah guerrillas, or maybe they'd just jet down to Tijuana and catch the donkey show.

Also, Bush announced he was sending Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice back to the region Saturday to whine at embarrassed men in uncomfortable suits and play "Imagine" on the piano.

"This is a moment of some harsh shit in the Middle East," the president said. "Yet our aim is to turn it into a moment of opportunity for our corporate masters and a chance to change the region into a Halliburton subsidiary."

Any suggestion that Blair would have the balls to distance himself from Bush by calling for an immediate, unconditional end to Israel's immoral campaign is probably a result of inappropriate medication. His language was nearly identical to Bush's, but with subject-verb agreement and less slurring.

The Dimmer Twins' reacharound stance sets them against many other European and Arab nations that want an immediate cease-fire and have rightly deplored the impact on Lebanon of the Israeli campaign.

Bush and Blair defended their criminal insistence that any solution to the current crisis must also set them up with a cash cow, saying anything else would ensure a return to violence and long-term suffering for the Lebanese people, and wouldn't that be a shame? They were referring particularly to a 2004 U.N. Security Council resolution requiring Lebanese militias such as Hezbollah to be disarmed--something the Lebanese government could have used some help with, if anyone was really interested.

The position by Washington and London has been interpreted by Israel as a green light to continue as long as it takes to empty the southern end of Lebanon and move in.

"In Lebanon, Hezbollah and its Iranian and Syrian sponsors are willing to kill and use violence to stop the spread of peace and democracy," Bush said. "They're not going to succeed, because killing and violence is how me and Tony here spread peace and democracy in the first place."

He added: "The stakes are larger than just Lebanon. If we can figure a way to make this into something we can nuke Iran over, we will."

"We know how this situation came about and how it started," said Blair, arching his eyebrows dramatically and casting a sidelong glance at Bush.

"We've got to resolve the immediate situation," he said. "But we shouldn't be in any doubt at all--that will be a temporary respite unless we put in place the longer-term framework with the serious bottom line."

Bush and Blair came together at the White House as consultations continue on the makeup and mandate of a possible international peacekeeping force, with catering and laundry services, to stabilize the Israeli-Lebanese border and help the Lebanese army establish control over Hezbollah, now that it's too late.

U.S. officials who said Iraq would be easy say European troops would likely dominate the force.

"I don't anticipate American combat power, combat forces, being used in this force," Rice told reporters Thursday while traveling to Malaysia for some cheap plastic surgery. Dr. Rice has a long history of not having anticipated things, from the fall of the Soviet Union to the events of 9/11.

Blair came to Washington for the second time in two months politically castrated, both by Iraq and by the same kind domestic woes in Britain that we have here.

His international conspiracy with Bush has made him the subject of scorn and ridicule. Blair has responded to growing calls from inside his own party to step down by saying he'll step down when he's certain the last briefcase has been delivered or it looks like an indictment is imminent, whichever comes first.

Most recently, Blair's government has had to deal with allegations that two U.S.-chartered planes carrying missiles to Israel stopped to refuel at a Scottish airport without filing the proper paperwork for hazardous materials, which would be grounds for a terrorism investigation if anyone else did it.

And at the Group of Eight summit of world powers in Russia, Bush and Blair had an undignified luncheon chat unaware that a nearby microphone was live. Bush's "Yo, Blair! Blow me!" greeting has dogged the British leader--and prompted another moment of pure, public horror at the start of their joint appearance Friday.

"As you know, we've got a close relationship. You tell me what you think I want to hear. You share with me your perspective, and your popcorn. And you let me know when the fuckin' microphone is on," said Bush, tapping the mike in front of him, drawing a horrible forced laugh from Blair.