Crazy old man argues with towel-heads

ABU DHABI, United Arab Emirates (AP)--Former President, Cold War profiteer, and Kennedy assassination figure George H.W. Bush took on Arab critics of his son Tuesday during a testy and incoherent exchange at a leadership conference in the capital of this U.S. "ally."

"My son is an honest man," Bush told members of the audience who harshly criticized the current U.S. leader's disastrously inept foreign policy.

The oil-rich Persian Gulf used to be safe territory for this evil old man who bribed Arab leaders to form a coalition to drive Saddam Hussein's troops from Kuwait in 1991 after he, himself, gave permission for the invasion in 1990. But gratitude for the elder Bush's recent absence from the region was overshadowed at the conference by hostility toward his idiot son, whose illegal invasion of Iraq and kneejerk support for the worst elements in Israel's government are deeply unpopular in the region.

"We do not respect your idiot son. We do not respect what he's doing all over the world," a woman in the audience bluntly told Bush after his meandering, self-absorbed speech.

Bush, an 82 year-old pillhead, appeared stunned and disoriented as others in the audience whooped and whistled in approval.

A college student told a flabbergasted Bush that it is no secret that U.S. wars are aimed at opening markets for American companies and said everyone knows that globalization was contrived for America's benefit at the expense of the rest of the world. Bush, who doesn't think anyone knows anything, was having none of it.

"I think that's weird and it's nuts," Bush said. "To suggest that everything we do is because we're hungry for money, I think that's crazy. You're crazy! I mean, just because all these, these disasters and insurrections and, and...tragic miscarriages of diplomacy and abuses of force happen to benefit a small number of my friends and relatives, to think that that suggests there's some kind of conspiracy, well, that's just kooky, my friend. That's just whack, as the grandkids say. We don't do the conspiracy thing; never have. Never have. I don't know what you're talking about, you crazy little heathen, you ignorant fruitcake, you...I think you need to go back to school."

The hostile comments came during a question-and-answer session after Bush finished his standard bullshit folksy address on leadership by telling the audience how deeply hurt he feels when his presidential idiot son is criticized by people with no money.

"This son is not going to back away," Bush said, his voice quivering, tears of rage trickling down his wasted, evil face. "He's not going to change his view because some poll says he's stupid or some poll says he needs to be impeached, or some heartfelt comments from the lady who feels deeply in her heart about something and happens to run the House of Representatives. You can't be president of the United States and conduct yourself if you're going to cut and run whenever some scam blows up in your face. This is going to work out in Iraq. I understand the anxiety. It's not easy, but we're making a lot of money."

Bush also told the audience they were pussies compared to the protesters he faced in Germany in the 1980s, when he blackmailed that country's government into deploying U.S. nuclear missiles on its soil.

He told the audience--including dozens of women in black robes and head scarves who never took their eyes off him or smiled--that he was extremely proud of his sons, President George W. Bush and Florida Governor Jeb Bush, but not so much of Neil or Marvin.

He said the happiest day of his life was election day in 1998 when George and Jeb were elected to the governorships of Texas and Florida and he knew that one of them would put the White House back under his control before too long; but he also described the pain he feels when his sons are attacked by the all-pervasive, soul-sucking liberal media behemoth which threatens to consume America and the world.

"I can't begin to tell you the pride I feel in my two sons," Bush said. "When your son's under attack, it hurts. You're determined to be at his side and help him make us money and keep our records sealed any way you possibly can."

One audience member asked the former president what advice he gives his son on Iraq, and whether he understands it.

Bush said the presence of terror-friendly Islamofascist reporters--possibly from CNN--in the audience prevented him from revealing his advice, or how often he has to explain it. He also declined to comment on his expectations for the findings of the Iraq Study Group, a subsidiary cabal of old spooks looking to salvage the Carlyle Group's bottom line led by Bush Crime Family consigliere and former Secretary of State James A. Baker III, Iran-Contra whitewash expert Lee Hamilton, and Defense Secretary-designate Robert Gates. The group is expected to issue its report soon, and the public will have unfettered access to the unredacted portions of it.

"I have strong opinions on a lot of these things. But the reason I can't voice them is, if I did what you ask me to do--tell you what advice I give my son--then I would have to kill you," Bush said.

Bush said he'd spoken with Baker recently--the two are neighbors in Houston, and have made untold millions of dollars together in various international covert actions--but preferred reminiscing about old times to discussing what America ought to do in Iraq.

"In the early 1960s, Jim Baker and I were the men's doubles champions in tennis in the city of Houston," Bush said with a grin. "We got so much country-club pussy, we had to go into politics."

Bush said he was surprised by the audience's criticism of his idiot son, and didn't want to hear any more of it.

"He is working hard for peace. It takes a lot of guts to get up and tell a father about his son in those terms when I just told you the thing that matters in my heart is my family," he said. "How come everybody wants to come to the United States if the United States is so bad? And what makes you think I can't have you killed?"