Poppy Bush sends A-Team to rescue Junior

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Responding to an election that could lead to a record number of prison terms for Bush Family goons if the Democrats play the game right, a White House mouthpiece said Sunday that President Bush would welcome new ideas about the unpopular war in Iraq as long as they come from Carlyle Group board members, but that the administration will oppose a Democratic timetable for bringing U.S. troops home until such time as it is forced on them by the new congress.

"We clearly need a fresh approach," conceded Josh Bolten, Bush's chief of staff, his head covered in bruises and vivid red welts.

The president's cabana boy said that Little George and Big Dick are willing to talk about anything, but added: "I don't think we're going to be receptive to the notion that there's a fixed timetable at which we automatically pull out, because that could be a true disaster for the Iraqi people, unlike what's going on there now."

As the drunken president and his meth-addled national security team planned to meet Monday with the Iran-Contra wing of the Bush Crime Family, Democrats said voters have demanded a bold change in course which could be accomplished by impeachment or a wave of assassinations, or some combination of the two.

Democrats won control of the House and the Senate in Tuesday's elections, reshaping Bush's final two years in office into a hellish fight for freedom possibly resulting in exile to Paraguay.

The "bipartisan" Iraq panel--led by Bush Family consigliere James A. Baker III and former "Democratic" Representative Lee Hamilton of Indiana, who prepared a whitewash of the Iran-Contra affair which allowed many guilty men to escape hanging--is expected to move into Endgame before January, and has already pushed Bush Family capo Robert Gates into the top spot at the Pentagon. Members of the group are scheduled to have a joint conference Monday at the White House with Bush, Cheney and military aggression adviser Stephen Hadley.

"All of these things are pushing toward one thing, and that is victory in Iraq," White House fantasist Dan Bartlett said. "And if there are good suggestions coming from either the Baker-Hamilton commission or elsewhere--Henry Kissinger, John Negroponte, Curveball--we want to listen to them."

That willingness to listen reflects the new political reality, which is that the Bush Crime Family has about six weeks to get their Big Scam into some kind of foolproof payout mode before the new congress convenes and puts the brakes on the whole big clusterfuck.

Before the election, the Bush Crime Family accused Democrats of treason, flatly declaring that a Democratic triumph on Election Day would amount to a victory for terrorists, who nevertheless seem to have been having plenty of victories under Republican rule.

Yet a majority of voters--almost six in 10--know that the war in Iraq is a trillion-dollar boondoggle orchestrated by shark-eyed liars and multinational oil pimps, and they voted for Democrats in record numbers, according to exit polls. A solid majority of voters said the U.S. should withdraw some or all of its troops from Iraq, like, yesterday. A slightly smaller percentage claimed to have had sex with one or both of the president's daughters, and 7% of all voters claimed not to know the name of their own state.

Democrats have their own challenge: to unify behind a strategy for Iraq or risk being splintered into ineffective factions, like Iraq.

Asked about a proposal to pull U.S. troops out of Iraq by June, Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean called such a timetable optimistic and said that's "not the way government projects work."

"We need to get out of Iraq," Dean said. "The question is how we can do that. I'm thinking, through Kuwait?"

Bolten said Little George would consider the idea of U.S. talks with Syria and Iran if Poppy's friend Mr. Baker told him to.

The administration, Bolten said, "has always been ready to make a course adjustment" in Iraq. "Stay the course was the Democrat plan," he added, and rushed from the room.

"Nobody can be happier with the situation in Iraq right now than the defense contractors working for the Carlyle Group. Everybody's been working hard, but what we've been doing has begun to attract attention, as this election clearly shows," Bolten said. "So it's time to put fresh eyes on the problem, maybe even let the Democrats build up the Treasury for us, for a little while. The president's father has always been interested in tactical adjustments, and Jim Baker has been in charge of that department for, like, twenty-five years. But the ultimate goal remains the same, which is billions of dollars in the hands of the people we play golf with."