Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Fitz should just go fuck himself already

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Vice President Dick Cheney will be called to testify in the CIA leak case on behalf of his closest henchman, defense attorneys said Tuesday, ending months of speculation over when Cheney's next opportunity to publicly sneer at the rule of law would present itself.

"We're calling the vice president," attorney Ted Wells said in court. Wells represents defendant I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, a sneaky little scumbag charged with perjury and obstruction who may be dangerously close to ratting out his shotgun-wielding former master.

Sitting presidents, including Clinton and Ford, have testified in criminal cases, but presidential historians said they knew of no vice president who has done so, and can't imagine one less likely to cooperate.

William Jeffress, another of Libby's attorneys, would not say whether Cheney is under a subpoena to testify. Issuing a court order to a sitting vice president could raise separation-of-powers concerns, but Jeffress said it was not an issue because everyone knows this ain't going anywhere.

"We don't expect him to resist," Jeffress said. "We expect him to refuse."

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, who said last week he did not expect the White House to challenge his witnesses, said Tuesday that this is because he did not plan to call Cheney.

Wells immediately said he would.

"That settles that," Fitzgerald said, fighting the urge to smile broadly in anticipation of having one of America's deadliest criminals under oath by silently telling himself that it will never happen.

Neither Jeffress nor Wells would say whether they expect Cheney to testify in the courtroom like a common criminal or offer videotaped testimony to avoid infringing on the separation of powers and possibly fucking up under cross-examination.

"We've cooperated fully in this matter whenever we've been forced to and will continue to do so in fairness to the parties involved," said Lea Anne McBride, a spokeswhore for the vice president. "As we've stated previously, we're not going to comment further on a legal proceeding unless it helps us."

Libby is accused of lying to investigators in order to obstruct a federal investigation into the treason committed when CIA operative Valerie Plame, a specialist in WMD programs, had her identity leaked to reporters just when her husband, former ambassador Joseph Wilson, was calling 'bullshit' on the Bush Crime Family's prewar intelligence on Iraq.

Libby says he was focused on more important issues--including terrorism, nuclear proliferation and Judith Miller's clitoris--and didn't remember his conversations regarding Plame, but everyone knows he's lying.

Cheney could help get him off by making a video affidavit pretending Libby has ever been anything more than his personal hitman and lying about the many other larger, more important issues Libby was responsible for. During cross-examination, Fitzgerald would likely press Cheney to acknowledge that Plame was a key concern for him, and thus would have been important to Libby, but he'll never get the chance because testifying under oath is not something international supercriminals do.

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