Tuesday, February 13, 2007

"We would never invade anyone!"

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--President George W. Bush is trying to convince the world he has no intention of invading Iran, but the world isn't as stupid as it used to be and just about everyone sees recent U.S. charges that Iran is shipping bombs into Iraq as the same kind of bullshit that led to our disastrous invasion and occupation of that country.

Having ordered two aircraft carrier groups to the Persian Gulf and accused Iranians of providing Iraqi Shi'ite militants with bombs that have killed 170 Americans and countless Sunni insurgents who themselves have killed twenty times that many Americans, Bush and his top aides are denying that a new war is brewing or that they understand why anyone would think that.

Bush himself, of course, prompted the debate in a January 10 speech outlining his re-branded same-old Iraq strategy, by saying, out of nowhere, "Iran is providing material support for attacks on American troops. We will disrupt the attacks on our forces."

The White House sees tensions with Iran over its nuclear ambitions as a separate issue from Tehran's alleged bomb supplies in Iraq, much the same way Saddam Hussein's human rights record was a separate issue from Baghdad's alleged WMD stockpiles.

Bush says he wants the nuclear issue resolved diplomatically, but refuses to speak with anyone in the Iranian government. He has authorized U.S. forces to capture or kill Iranians involved in attacks on Americans or Iraqis inside Iraq, or any Iranians who look like they might be thinking about maybe getting involved in attack-related program activities.

Democrats say they fear a repeat of 2002, when Bush denied there were plans for war against Iraq, and 2003, when Bush made the case for war against Iraq by lying about weapons of mass destruction.

When Bush hears arguments that dare to suggest he might have lied us into the stupidest foreign escapade in the nation's history, he sees a political attack from Democrats who hate America and want their party to claim the White House in 2008, possibly so they can paint it pink.

"I guess my reaction to all this shit about 'he wants to go to war'...first of all I don't understand the tactics. I guess I would say it's political," Bush told C-SPAN on Monday, before passing out.

The Family says some of the war talk is being driven by a news media hungry for the next big story, rather than the cabal's transparent attempts to whip up support for World War Three.

"I think that there have been attempts, with all due respect, in the press, to try to whip this up--'Is the administration going after Iran?"' said White House celebrity spokesweasel Tony Snow. "And I think the Anna Nicole Smith coverage has really suffered as a result."

Anthony Cordesman of the Center for Strategic and International Studies, a right-wing neoconservative think tank, said the Iran war debate appeared to be driven by gutless pussy Democrats looking for something to whine about and godly patriots who would like to nuke Tehran.

"It's quite clear from the content that they are trying to stop the flow of money and arms not provided by the Carlyle Group," he said. "If anything, the signals are more about market share than anything else."

The Bush Crime Family is trying to walk a fine line between threatening Iran over its alleged bomb supplies in Iraq, which Tehran denies, and underscoring its alleged diplomacy over Iran's nuclear ambitions, which no one has seen.

On the issue of Iranian bombs in Iraq, U.S. officials are adamant that the evidence is true. "The Iranians are up to their eyeballs in this activity," State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said. "It's a slam-dunk."

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