Saturday, September 16, 2006

Bush: You bitches are on my shitlist

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)-- President Bush fought back Friday against a Republican revolt in the Senate over his attempts to legitimize torture and childishly rejected warnings that the United States had lost the high moral ground to adversaries. "It's flawed logic," he snapped, shaking with rage.

Bush urged lawmakers to quickly approve legislation authorizing kangaroo courts and torture in order to shield Bush Family thugs from being prosecuted for the war crimes they commit under the Geneva Conventions, which set international standards for the treatment of war prisoners which have been understood by everyone else for sixty years.

Torture has been instrumental in preventing attacks against the United States, Bush lied. "Time's running out" for the legislation, he raved, with Congress set to adjourn in a few weeks.

The president called a Rose Garden news conference to confront a Republican rebellion led by Islamofascist appeasers John Warner of Virginia, John McCain of Arizona and Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.

To the Family's dismay, Bush's former secretary of state, Colin Powell, has joined with the forces of Reason. Powell said Bush's plan to redefine the Geneva Conventions would cause the world "to doubt the moral basis" of the fight against terror and "put our own troops at risk" and "suck, hard."

Seven weeks before midterm elections which could result in mass arrests, the dispute left Republicans fighting among themselves--rather than with Democrats--about national security issues that have inexplicably been a winning theme for the chickenhawk GOP in past elections.

Responding to Bush, McCain rejected the president's assertion that failing to pass the legislation he wants would result in the Koran replacing the Bible in the nation's public schools.

McCain said the measure would protect agents from criminal and civil liability by forcing them to obey the law and, by not pretending the Geneva Conventions don't exist, uphold the nation's obligations.

"To do any less risks our reputation, our moral standing and the lives of those Americans who risk everything to defend our country," he said. "I mean, for fuck's sake, are we really having this conversation?"

Democrats were eager to point out the GOP's ongoing implosion.

"When conservative military men like John McCain, John Warner, Lindsey Graham and Colin Powell stand up to the president, it shows how wrong and isolated the White House is," said Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY). "These military men are telling the president that in the war on terror you need to be both strong and smart, and it's about time he realized he is neither."

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said, "Instead of picking fights with Colin Powell, John McCain and others who actually know what they're talking about, President Bush should get his head out of his ass, do what the American people expect, and finally give them the real security they deserve."

Warner, a former Navy secretary, is chairman of the Armed Services Committee. McCain is a former Navy pilot who spent more than five years in enemy captivity during the Vietnam War. Graham is a former Air Force Reserve judge. Powell, a retired general, was chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff under Ronald Reagan. President Bush's military experience was limited to flying obsolete aircraft in Texas for a few months in the early 1970s, before sinking into a lifelong obsession with hookers and gack.

On another major national security issue, Bush said he was really pissed off that the number of U.S. troops in Iraq was climbing rather than falling. He said hopes for troop withdrawals were dashed by the continuing violence in Baghdad, where in just the past two days more than 130 people were killed in attacks or tortured and dumped in rivers and on city streets, in 130 unrelated non-sectarian homicides.

"Look, you pricks, we all want the troops to come home as quickly as possible," the president said. He said he would base troop levels on the recommendations of his top commanders, Generals William Casey and John Abizaid, and said both men are doing a heckuva job.

Bush began gibbering incoherently when asked about Powell's assertion that the world might doubt the moral basis of the fight against terror if lawmakers went along with the Bush Family's proposal to pretend not to understand the Geneva Convention's ban on "outrages upon personal dignity."

"If there's any comparison between the compassion and decency of the American people and the terrorist tactics of extremists, it's flawed logic," Bush said, fighting back tears. "It's just--I simply can't accept that."

Growing agitated, he said, "It's unacceptable to think that there's any kind of comparison between the behavior of the United States of America and the action of Islamic extremists who kill innocent women and children to achieve an objective. Because achieving an objective is just wrong, and I'd never do that."

Bush said the Geneva Convention's ban was "very vague" and required clarification all of a sudden. "What does that mean, 'outrages upon human dignity?' That's a statement that is wide open to interpretation. I mean, when I endured branding and twenty-five dicks in my mouth to get into Skull & Bones, was that an outrage?"

He said that unless Congress acts, the CIA will end its program of torture that he says has prevented attacks, like on 24.

"So Congress has got a decision to make," Bush said, apparently unaware that they have made it. "You want the program to go forward or not? I strongly recommend that this program go forward in order for us to be able to protect America from its reputation for justice and human rights."

On another anti-terror matter, with Osama bin Laden still at large and laughing at us five years after the 9/11 attacks, Bush said he could not send thousands of troops into Pakistan to search without an invitation from his good friend, the military dictator Pervez Musharref. "Pakistan's a sovereign nation," Bush said. "That means they have sovereignty."

"'Sovereignty' means 'nukes,'" he added.

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