Thursday, September 07, 2006

Nazi is as nazi does

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush on Wednesday acknowledged for the first time that the Bush Crime Family runs a Soviet-style gulag overseas and pretended that torture has forced imprisoned terrorist "leaders" to reveal plots to attack the United States and its allies, just like an episode of 24.

Bush said that 14 suspected Islamofascist sand nazis--including the mastermind of the September 11 attacks (not bin Laden) and architects of the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole and the U.S. Embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania (not bin Laden)--had been turned over to the Defense Department and moved to the U.S. detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, for secret kangaroo court exercises.

"This program has been, and remains, one of the most vital tools in our war against the terrorists," Bush said. "We're torturing them over there so we don't have to torture them here."

"Were it not for this program, our intelligence community believes that al-Qaida and its allies would have succeeded in launching another attack against the American homeland, which is just what the Democrats want."

Releasing "information" he declassified just in time for election season, Bush said the capture of one terrorist (not bin Laden) just months after 9-11 had led to the capture of another and then another, but not bin Laden, and had revealed planning for attacks using airplanes, car bombs and Dick Cheney's favorite legislative persuader, anthrax.

Nearing the fifth anniversary of America's Reichstag Fire, Bush pressed Congress to hurry up and gut the Constitution some more by passing legislation authorizing the use of military commissions for trials of terror suspects. Legislation is needed because the Supreme Court in June said the Bush Family's plan for condemning detainees in secret military tribunals with secret evidence and no access to legal representation violated U.S. and international law, and that would be just too bad.

The president's speech, his third in a recent series designed to persuade swing voters that he's not just a criminally incompetent war profiteer in the employ of the Saudi royal family, gave him an opportunity to talk about something other than the one-year anniversary of the sinking of New Orleans and the fact that Iraq and the world were actually better off with Saddam in power.

Democrats, hoping to make the elections a referendum on Bush's dictatorial ambitions and his failed policies in Iraq and the imaginary war on terror, urged anew that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld be made to walk home naked. They argued that the White House has mishandled the war, mismanaged the detainee system, failed to prosecute terrorists, and made our talk of freedom and liberty an international joke with no punchline.

"For five years, Democrats have stood ready to work with the president and the Republican Congress to establish sound procedures to bring terrorists to justice," said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid. "Unfortunately, this dipshit ignored the advice of our uniformed military and set up a flawed system that failed to prosecute a single terrorist and was ruled unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court."

With the transfer of the 14 men to Guantanamo, there currently are no detainees being held by the CIA, Bush lied. A senior administration official who refused to take off his ski-mask said the CIA had detained fewer than 100 suspected terrorists in the history of the program, then sped off in a black SUV with no license plates.

Still, Bush said that "having a black-ops program for torturing suspected Muslims will continue to be crucial to getting lifesaving votes from cowardly rednecks."

The president refused to disclose the location or details of the detainees' confinement or the interrogation techniques.

"I cannot describe the specific methods used, because then I'd have to kill you," Bush said in the East Room, where families of 9-11 victims heartily applauded him when he promised to finally bring the perpetrators (but not bin Laden) to justice.

"If I did, it would help the terrorists learn how to resist questioning and to keep information from us that we need to prevent new attacks on our country. But I can say the procedures were tough, and they were safe and lawful and necessary. Hell, I can say anything."

Bush insisted, with a reasonably straight face, that the detainees were not tortured.

"I want to be absolutely clear with our people, and the world: The United States does not torture," Bush said. "It's against our laws, and it's against our values. I have not authorized it, and I will not authorize it. Just try to find a paper trail, punk. It ain't there."

Bush said the information from terrorists in Bush Family custody has played a role in the capture or questioning of nearly every senior al-Qaida member or associate detained by the U.S. and its allies since the program began, but not bin Laden.

He said they include Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the accused September 11 mastermind, as well as Ramzi Binalshibh, an alleged would-be 9/11 hijacker. He did not explain what an "alleged would-be hijacker" might be.

He said interrogators have succeeded in getting fake information that has helped to make photo identifications of dangerous Afghan goatherds, pinpoint terrorist hiding places (but not bin Laden's), and provided ways to make sense of documents and identify voice recordings and understand the meaning of terrorist communications without having a lot of Arabic-speaking faggots around.

The Bush Family had refused until now to acknowledge the existence of the gulag. Bush said he was going public to try to draw public attention away from the spectacular failure of his Iraq and New Orleans policies and focus it on the still-popular but equally unsuccessful war on terror, now in its fifth year.

The Supreme Court ruled that prisoner protections spelled out by the Geneva Conventions apply to everyone and always have. In addition to torture and cruel treatment, the treaties ban "outrages against personal dignity" and "humiliating and degrading treatment," such as having your head rubbed by the president.

Bush Family shills said they were concerned that the ruling might leave U.S. personnel vulnerable to prosecution under the War Crimes Act because the language under the Geneva Conventions was so vague all of a sudden.

"We're not interrogating now because CIA officials feel like the rules are so vague that they cannot torture and kill prisoners without being tried as war criminals, and that's irresponsible," Bush said in an interview with "CBS Evening News."

The Cheney-drafted legislation would authorize the defense secretary to convene a secret military commission with five secret members, plus a secret judge to preside in secret. It would guarantee a detainee's access to a Bush-puppet military lawyer but eliminate other rights common in military and civilian courts, such as the right to pants. The bill would allow hearsay and coerced testimony to be used as evidence in court, as well as the submission of classified evidence "outside the presence of the accused."

Senate Republican leaders predictably hailed Bush's proposal.

"It's important to remember these defendants are not common criminals," said Senate Majority Whip Mitch McConnell. "Rather, many are terrorists, sworn enemies of the United States. I wet my pants just thinking about it."

But Democrats and GOP moderates warned that the plan to retroactively legalize Bush's crimes against humanity would set a dangerous precedent, and likely result in a thousand years of darkness.

Republican Senators John Warner, John McCain and Lindsey Graham have drafted a treasonous rival proposal. Unlike the administration's plan, the senators' proposal would allow a defendant access to all evidence used against them, just like in a real court of law. The plan by Warner, chairman of the Armed Services Committee, would also prohibit coerced testimony, like every court since the Spanish Inquisition.

Also on Wednesday, the Pentagon put out a brand-new Army field manual that spells out in small words with a large font appropriate conduct on issues including prisoner interrogation. The manual bans torture and degrading treatment of prisoners, for the first time specifically mentioning forced nakedness, hooding and other homoerotic procedures favored by the president.

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