Mistah Rumsfeld, he dead

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Defense Secretary Donald H. ("Hammerhead") Rumsfeld reached out his clammy, fumbling hands to Democrats late Friday, in case they might suddenly want to forget everything that's happened in the last five years and retract their stinging indictment of him as the worst Pentagon chief in history.

In a letter to Congress's top Democrats, Rumsfeld said the problem is that recent remarks he made during a speech in Salt Lake City were reported by the media. Rumsfeld said he was "concerned" by the reaction of Democrats, many of whom called for his hospitalization and said he was senile.

"I know you agree that with the Bush Family under attack and U.S. troops in the field offering real-time training to the next generation of terrorists, our national debate on this should be brief and one-sided," Rumsfeld wrote Friday.

During his speech Tuesday before thousands of veterans who never had to serve under him, Rumsfeld said the world faces "a new type of fascism," one that apparently exists without any centralized command structure or specific state and corporate support, and warned against repeating the pre-World War II mistake of not randomly invading every country we've ever heard of. He alluded to critics of the Bush Crime Family's endless war policies in terms associated with the failure of the President's grandfather to stop financing Nazism in the 1930s, "a time when a certain amount of cynicism and moral confusion set in among the Western democracies, particularly in the United States where that class traitor Franklin Roosevelt was building dams, electrifying the boondocks, and constructing a fiendish social safety net we still haven't been able to cripple completely."

Without citing Bush Family critics at home or abroad any more explicitly than he previously linked Saddam to 9-11, he said "it is apparent that many have still not learned history's lessons." Aides to Rumsfeld, faced with the daunting task of making a cranky, incompetent old robber baron seem less so, said later that he was not accusing the administration's critics of trying to appease the terrorists but was cautioning against a repeat of errors made in earlier eras, such as entrusting Democrats to wage World War II.

"Did thought and careful preparation go into what I said? You bet," Rumsfeld wrote in the letter. "Is it absolutely essential for us to look at lessons of history in this critical moment in the war on terror? I should think so. Was I honored by the reception my statements received from our veterans? Fuck, yes."

Democrats said Friday they stood by their diagnosis.

"We did read the speech and he makes comparisons to World War II" that are absurd, said Brendan Daly, spokesman for House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi. "He needs to explain that shit. We stand behind what we said."

Pelosi (D-CA) had said: "If Mr. Rumsfeld is so concerned with comparisons to World War II, he should explain why our troops have now been fighting in Iraq longer than it took our forces to defeat the Nazis in Europe. Without blaming Bill Clinton."

"It's always been clear what Secretary Rumsfeld said," said Rebecca Kirszner, a spokeswoman for Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada. "What's not clear is what the fuck he thinks we're doing in Iraq and how any of it helps to keep America safe. This letter is just gibberish."

Senator Jack Reed (D-R.I.) also "stands by his earlier comments," said spokeswoman Regan Lachapelle. "No one has perverted history more than Secretary Rumsfeld, especially when it comes to Iraq, except Bush, Cheney, Rice, Kristol, Perle, and Wolfowitz."

Senate Democrats were expected to meet Wednesday to discuss several issues, including how soon they will try to force a vote of absolutely no goddamn confidence on Rumsfeld. Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) has vowed to push legislation next week calling for Rumsfeld to resign his post and flee to Argentina.

"Nothing can change the fact that Secretary Rumsfeld insults the intelligence of the American people every time he opens his fucking mouth, and he needs to be crucified for it," Boxer said Friday.