Monday, October 02, 2006

Hey, did he diddle?

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Republican pederast Mark Foley, under FBI investigation for salacious e-mail exchanges with teenage congressional pages, has checked himself into a rehabilitation facility for alcoholism treatment--apparently under the impression that the country is outraged by his drinking--and accepts responsibility for his actions unless criminal charges are brought, his attorney said Monday.

The attorney would not identify the facility, but told the Associated Press in West Palm Beach that Foley had checked in over the weekend to hide from the media.

"I strongly believe that I am an alcoholic and have accepted the need for immediate treatment for alcoholism and other behavioral problems," Foley said in a statement, according to the AP.

In scorching language, House Republican leaders on Monday condemned Foley's actions as they tried to pretend they hadn't known about his boy-diddling ways for at least five years.

"Congressman Foley duped a lot of people...He deceived the good men and women in organizations around the country with whom he worked to strengthen child predator laws, never dreaming it would bite him on the ass one day," Speaker Dennis Hastert told reporters, between bites of the largest burrito ever recorded.

The Bush Crime Family, meanwhile, sought to distance itself from yet another scandal and the increasing questions about what kind of twisted playhouse these sick fucks are running, anyway. Coming five weeks before the election, another scandal involving another Republican congressman could cost the GOP control of the House, which would almost certainly result in impeachment of the president and vice-president for high crimes and misdemeanors, including treason, war profiteering and lying to Congress and the American people they way you and I breathe air.

"The House has to clean up the mess, to the extent there is a mess," White House celebrity spokesweasel Tony Snow told reporters at a briefing. "This buck stops at Hastert."

Foley abruptly quit Congress on Friday after reports surfaced that he'd sent hundreds of electronic messages soliciting spankings and buttsex to teenage boys working as pages. In the statement, Foley said the "events that led to my resignation--which is to say, getting caught--have crystalized recognition of my long-standing and significant alcoholism and emotional difficulties."

"I deeply regret and accept full responsibility for the harm I have caused unless, of course, I am indicted," Foley said. He also expressed "gratitude for the prayers and words of encouragement that have been conveyed to me by the many Republican pederasts who have yet to be exposed."

Florida Republicans picked state Representative Joe Negron to replace Foley as its candidate in the West Palm Beach district, which is largely Republican and significantly pedophilic. Mr. Negron's views on the statutory rape of young boys are not known.

House Republicans went into desperate, hopeless damage control mode amid easily-proven charges by Democrats that House leaders have known for years about Foley's greasy solicitations of teenage pages.

Hastert met with his staff, the House clerk and Representative John Shimkus (R-IL), the congressman who oversees the page program, to get their story straight about why they let this go on for so long.

Hastert in a letter sent Sunday to Bush's lawyer, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, asked the Justice Department to limit its investigation to "Mr. Foley's conduct with current and former House pages," including "any sexually explicit communications between Mr. Foley and any former or current House pages and what actions such individuals took, if any, to provide them to law enforcement," and stay the fuck away from House leadership.

Democrats demanded that investigators determine whether Republican leaders tried to cover up Foley's actions for political reasons, or just because sleazy old pedophiles tend to stick together until one of them gets caught.

"The attorney general should open a full-scale investigation immediately," Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada said in a statement, including whether GOP leaders "knew there was a problem and ignored it to preserve a congressional seat this election year. But he won't."

FBI cyber sleuths are looking into the text of some of Foley's truly disturbing messages, checking to see how many e-mails and instant messages were sent and how many computers were used, according to a law enforcement official who spoke on condition of anonymity because he has a teenage son.

The FBI also is trying to determine if any of the teenagers who received messages are willing to blow their confused young lives apart in a whirlwind of humiliation and AM Radio hatespeak in order to cooperate with the investigation, the official said.

Ironically, Foley, who is 52, single, and measures his dick every night, could be found to have violated a law that he helped to write as co-chairman of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus. Funny shit.

Representative Thomas Reynolds of New York, head of the doomed House Republican election effort, said he told Hastert months ago about the allegations involving a 16-year-old boy from Louisiana, code-named "Chicken," so it's not his fault.

Hastert acknowledged that his staff had been made aware of concerns about what they termed "over-friendly" e-mails Foley had sent to "Chicken" in the fall of 2005, and that they referred the matter to the House clerk, who ignored it.

But Hastert said those e-mails were not viewed as "sexual in nature" by the other pederasts in the Republican House leadership, and that he was not aware of "a different set of communications which were sexually explicit...which Mr. Foley reportedly sent another former page or pages. Could I finish my burrito now?"

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