Kerry: Fuck you if you can't take a joke I told wrong

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--Democratic U.S. Senator John Kerry drew election-year fire from President Bush and other hysterical Republican whores on Tuesday for saying college students could "get stuck in Iraq" if they do not study hard.

But Kerry, who caved in without a whimper to the Bush Crime Family's theft of the 2004 presidential election, refused to apologize and said his remark was a "botched joke" aimed at the president, much like his 2004 campaign.

With the Iraq war a dominant issue in the November 7 elections despite the president's insistence that sodomy and Jesus are the most pressing concerns of the day, Kerry's incompetently delivered poke at Bush provided much-needed Noise Machine fuel to the Republicans, who are struggling desperately to maintain control of the U.S. Congress so that most of them can stay out of prison.

Kerry's office said later that the Massachusetts Democrat had stupidly misread his prepared remarks which said, "Do you know where you end up if you don't study, if you aren't smart, if you're intellectually lazy? You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask President Bush." The president is famous, of course, for not studying, not being smart, being intellectually lazy and getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. He also once strangled a hooker in a Fort Worth motor lodge, but Kerry had a hard time working that one into the joke.

Kerry, who was criticized for letting Bush Family operatives beat on him like a red-headed stepchild during his pointless White House campaign, angrily accused Republicans who have never been in war or appeared on The Daily Show of making unfounded attacks, and challenged them to a joke-off.

"The people who owe our troops an apology are George W. Bush and Dick Cheney who misled America into war," said the Massachusetts Democrat. "And neither one of them can tell a joke for shit, either."

While campaigning in California, Kerry told a college crowd on Monday: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." No one laughed, but of course the idiot told it wrong.

Bush quickly seized on the opportunity to create a controversy, releasing a demand that Kerry apologize and start over. He will repeat the call at a redneck campaign event in Georgia tonight.

"The men and women who serve in our all-volunteer Armed Forces are plenty smart and are serving because I told them Saddam was behind 9/11--and Senator Kerry owes them an apology," he plans to say, according to prepared remarks whose pre-event release obviates the need for him to make them, but whatever.

Kerry, combative at a news conference in Seattle, insisted: "My statement yesterday--and those pricks in the White House know this full well--was a botched joke about the president and the president's people, not about the troops."

Kerry served in the Navy in the Vietnam War, receiving two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star. Bush was a member of the rich kids' Champagne Unit of the Texas Air National Guard during that war, training stateside part-time on obsolete planes and devoting most of his energy to cocaine and strippers. Cheney avoided Vietnam with five student deferments, and when those ran out he knocked up his horrid shrike of a wife, which kept him out until he was able to develop a heart condition.

If the Bush Family misconstrued Kerry's comments, apparently so did others, including Senator John McCain, an Arizona Republican and fellow Vietnam vet who has had an amicable relationship with Kerry, but who is not known for being the sharpest knife in the drawer.

McCain said Kerry "owes an apology to the many thousands of Americans serving in Iraq, who answered their country's call because they are patriots and not because of any deficiencies in their education, just in their ability to tell when someone's lying to them."

Other Bush Family lackeys and conservative talk-radio shills made similar calls, as both parties continued to pretend that next week's elections might be decided by voters rather than Diebold.

White House Channel anchorman Tony Snow called the comments "an absolute insult, worse than the Holocaust," to which Kerry responded: "I'm not going to be lectured by a stuffed-suit White House mouthpiece standing behind a podium or that doughy piece of shit, Rush Limbaugh."

"If anyone thinks a veteran would criticize the more than 140,000 heroes serving in Iraq--and not the president who got us stuck there--they're crazy," he added. "Although, looking at the tape, I can't really blame them. Okay, I fucked the joke up."