Fredo stays, bitches

CRAWFORD, TX (AP)--President Bush insisted Monday that insane, incompetent Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is still his little brown buddy and denounced Democratic plans for a This Guy Totally Sucks vote as "pure political theater."

"He has done nothing wrong," Bush lied in a sullen, angry defense of his longtime enabler and buttboy during a news conference at his fake Texas ranch.

Despite Bush's comments, support for Gonzales is eroding everywhere but in Crawford. The Senate is prepared to hold a This Guy Totally Sucks vote, possibly by week's end, and five Republican senators have joined many Democrats in calling for Gonzales' resignation and/or exile.

The attorney general is under investigation by Congress for rigging the Justice Department to eliminate all opposition to the Bush Crime Family's Plan For America™.

He is also under fire for charging into John Ashcroft's hospital room in the dead of night, while the old freak was recovering from serious invasive surgery, and demanding that he certify the legality of Bush's plan to spy on his enemies with every piece of communications technology the 21st Century has to offer. This shockingly sleazy episode was detailed last week by former Deputy Attorney General Jim Comey, whose job it was at the time to certify the program, and who refused to do so.

In Washington, the Justice Department released a new batch of random documents linked to the firings, hoping to muddy the waters in anticipation of House testimony Wednesday by Monica Goodling, Gonzales' former hatchet-lady and White House liaison, who is getting ready to squeal like a wild pig with a wolverine on its back.

The Justice Department, in the face of mountains of contradictory evidence, has maintained the ridiculous fiction that the firings targeted underperforming U.S. attorneys. But everyone else who can read knows that they were politically motivated, and e-mails between Goodling and White House goons about how to respond now that they're busted pretty much clinch it.

The president told the Democrats to get back to more pressing matters, like giving him all the money he wants for his endless war. When asked a direct question about whether he intended to keep Gonzales in office through the end of his presidency regardless of what the Senate does, Bush punted.

"I stand by Al Gonzales, and I would hope that people would be more sober in how they address these important issues," Bush said. "And they ought to get the job done of giving me my fucking money, as opposed to figuring out how to be actors on the political theater stage, or possibly in a series of political theater action-oriented comedies featuring a jealous ape."

Gonzales does not necessarily need Congress' support to continue serving the Bush Crime Family. But Bush and Gonzales are under increasing pressure as more Republican lawmakers realize they're going to be fucked in '08 and there's not a goddamn thing Karl Rove is going to do about it.

Democrats pressed ahead with plans to put the Senate on record in expressing their disgust with him.

"The president should understand that while he has confidence in Attorney General Gonzales, everybody else knows he's just a little piece of shit swirling around in the toilet bowl of Bush Family corruption," said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y), in response to Bush's comments.