Monday, May 07, 2007

Monarchist fuckwit entertains royalty

(AFP)--US President George W. Bush embellished his reputation for bumbling idiocy Monday as he reluctantly prepared to don white tie and tails for a lavish state banquet in honor of Queen Elizabeth II.

The British monarch and her husband, Prince Philip, were greeted on the south lawn of the White House in brilliant sunshine by about 7,000 guests, including members of Congress, Bush cabinet officials, British diplomats, media whores, bagmen, K Street pimps and rich Republican douchebags of every stripe.

Bush said the queen's state visit, her first to the United States since 1991, paid tribute to the two nations' "traditions and our shared history," before launching into another strident commercial for the War On Terror™.

"Today our two nations are defending Liberty against Tyranny and Terror by occupying countries together, whether they have oil or just ideal space for oil pipelines. We're resisting those who murder the innocent to advance a hateful ideology of resistance to us, whether they kill in New York or London, or Kabul or Baghdad," he said. "I won't even mention Virginia Tech tonight."

At one point Bush's meds kicked in and he referred to a visit paid by Elizabeth to mark the 200th anniversary of the US Declaration of Independence from Britain "in 17--in 1976."

After the queen glowered at him as only a polite, embarrassed guest could glower at an idiot who won't stop talking, he joked to the laughing audience: "She gave me a look like my mother used to give me when I asked her how come she looked so much older than Dad."

Lampposts near the White House were festooned with Union Jacks and US flags as helicopters and sharpshooters formed part of a tight security cordon around the presidential mansion--which was burned down by British soldiers in 1814, when oceans protected us from foreign terror.

According to a Buckingham Palace spokeswoman, Elizabeth gave Bush a large silver dish fringed with the queen's cypher and the presidential seal. In the center was a Texan lone star surrounded by decorative roses from Bush's home state. The president smirked gratefully and expressed eagerness to chop out some gaggers on it later in the evening, and reciprocated with a boxed set of Benny Hill videos and a coffee mug from the White House gift shop.

To mark the ceremonial climax of the queen's last really big press week before she dies, the White House polished its best china and crystal tableware for the evening banquet--the first white-tie and tails event of the six-year Bush residency.

The 134 diners were to include Actual President Dick Cheney and Back-up First Lady Condoleezza Rice.

Official First Lady Laura Bush said that her husband is most at home on his fake Texas ranch, drunk all day in denim jeans and cowboy boots, and had to be cajoled into wearing the super-formal attire by herself and Rice.

"Dr. Rice and I took it upon ourselves to talk him into it, because we thought if we were ever going to have a white-tie event, this would be the one," she told reporters. "And we both deserve it."

"And so he was glad to wear white tie once we promised him a three-way. But I don't know about the rest of our guests, especially the ones from Texas. They're probably having to go out and get laid this afternoon."

On Friday, Elizabeth and Philip, 85, toured Jamestown in Virginia to mark the 400th anniversary of the New World's first permanent English settlement--an event that ultimately gave rise to the world's greatest superpower, hated and feared by billions.

At the White House, the queen said the Jamestown landing "helped to shape this country's development and to lay the foundations of this great nation based on shared principles of equality, democracy and slavery."

Before flying home Tuesday, the royal couple plan to lay a wreath at the World War II National Memorial, in wistful commemoration of a global struggle they needn't be ashamed of.

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