Old crook seeks helper

PENSACOLA, FL (AP)--Senator John McCain disclosed Wednesday that he is in the "embryonic stages" of selecting a vice presidential running mate to finish his term for him if by some horrible fluke he becomes president. He hopes to unveil his choice well before the Republican National Convention, to avoid the scorn and ridicule that greeted Dan Quayle's pathetic debut two decades ago.

"It's every name imaginable," he said of his list-in-the-making, about twenty in all. "Some of them might not even be real, I don't know..."

He wisely disclosed none of them and refused even to identify the fixers he has approached to supervise the vetting that will inevitably limit the field to actual people not currently incarcerated.

In expressing his hope that he will be able to find a suitable cypher for the position before the convention opens in September, McCain added, "I'm aware of enhanced importance of this issue because of my age." He is a shambling wreck of a man and, if elected, will be the first president to die in office of old age.

McCain's comments seemed to startle his top aides, who have scripted an elaborate weeklong series of events designed to introduce the doddering old moron to a wider audience of gullible Republican voters, harping endlessly on his military service, since everything else about him is so sleazy and embarrassing.

The day's itinerary included a stop at the Naval Academy in Annapolis, where McCain graduated fourth from the bottom of his class in 1958, when Hillary Clinton was a Girl Scout and Barack Obama was not yet a dream of his father. This was followed by an appearance in Pensacola, Florida, where as a young man he screwed strippers and learned to crash airplanes.

The Arizona senator's remarks on a vice presidential search made it clear that his campaign is eager to avoid talking about his profound ignorance of Mideast politics, or his $4 million violation of the campaign finance laws which bear his name, or his sudden slavish devotion to the economic policies which are bankrupting the country.

"We've done a pretty good job of unifying our party," he told the reporters massaging his feet as his campaign bus pulled away from the football stadium at the Naval Academy, where he had issued a call for citizen involvement in something-or-other and promised everyone a future of some sort. "Now we've got to energize our party," he added, before drifting off.

Aides interjected at one point that polling data shows McCain's level of support among Republicans is on par with the backing President Bush had at the same point in his winning campaigns in 2000 and 2004, which is completely meaningless and the sort of thing aides are supposed to interject with when the candidate is a drooling idiot.

McCain indicated that little or no significant vetting of potential running mates has occurred, so don't fucking push him. "I've just started this process of getting together a list of names and having them rendered in extra-large print," he said, adding it could take months to complete at the rate he works.

Early speculation on a running mate has focused on his former rivals for the nomination, particularly former Arkansas Governor and charismatic Jesus freak Mike Huckabee.

In theory, Huckabee could help increase McCain's appeal among the creationist mouth-breathers and meth-head militants who have been slow to warm to the Arizona senator due to his inability to appear to take them seriously.

"If I had a personal preference I'd like to do it before the convention to avoid some of the mistakes that I've seen made in the past as you get into a time crunch and maybe sometimes don't make the announcement right or maybe they have not examined every single candidate," he said, sounding confused and uncomfortable.

Later, after staring out the window for a very long time, he referred specifically to Quayle's selection, perhaps to quash speculation that Dick Cheney would simply rise from the dead and name himself to the post again.

George H. W. Bush placed Quayle on his ticket in 1988, but delayed the announcement in an attempt to frustrate would-be assassins. Quayle quickly found himself struggling to answer questions about his decision to join the National Guard rather than serve in the active duty military during the Vietnam War. This was back when that was enough to embarrass a potential commander-in-chief.