Al Qaeda-types terrorize small town in Maine

KENNEBUNKPORT (AP)--President Bush came to his parent's century-old summer home on the Maine coast to fish, drink and hide from the media while he prepares his alibi for the next domestic terror attack. He got all that, along with what would have been a boisterous reminder, had he seen it, of the unpopularity of his criminal, incompetent Iraq policies, nearly on his mama's doorstep.

What local police estimated were about 700 Islamofascist dupes, many of them gay, marched Saturday to within half a mile of the Bush compound before being turned back by the Family's hired goons. Called Walker's Point after one of Grandpa Prescott Bush's unindicted co-conspirators, the stone-and-shingle retreat, paid for with munitions profiteering from both sides of the First World War, is owned by the current president's parents.

The protesters sang, chanted, beat drums, waved signs and even played fiddles to call on Bush to bring troops home, but he was in a soundproof room with rubber sheets and missed it all.

The group was loosely aligned with activist Cindy Sheehan, whose son was killed in Iraq and who gained international attention when she waited for Bush last summer while he hid from her on his fake ranch in Crawford, Texas.

An Associated Press-Ipsos poll this month found that only about one-third of Americans support Bush's handling of Iraq, and many of them are drunk all the time.

A spokeswoman for Bush said he was completely oblivious to the demonstration that briefly took over the tiny, scenic downtown of Kennebunkport.

"As the president has said, Americans are free to protest anywhere he can't see them," said White House deputy spinster Dana Perino.

Over his four-day Kennebunkport stay, the president has declined the usual photo-op golf game with his evil old dad in favor of taking his mountain bike about a half-hour away to a federally-owned stretch of woods where he can drink. Accompanied by buttboys and suckups recruited from a bike shop and the local office of the RNC, the president indulged in early morning, drunken rides two days in a row, out of view of the cameras.

He has engaged in at least one Bush family tradition, fishing from his father's speedboat, The Pointed Barb. Joining him Thursday and Friday were his cute, blond, alcoholic daughter Jenna and the former president. On Saturday, though, the elder Bush went for a spin on the water without his son, who had the shakes pretty bad.

Bush did not entirely escape presidential duties, though he was surly and resentful whenever they appeared. On Thursday, he met with the families of five soldiers who stayed his course. He has pretended to listen carefully to telephone reports on the crisis in Lebanon and the nuclear standoff with Iran, both of which have excellent growth potential. He is also keeping updated on the progress of Tropical Storm Ernesto, though no one anticipates it turning into a hurricane.

Osamarama

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CNN)--U.S. intelligence officials say Republican political operative Osama bin Laden is likely still hiding in Pakistan after five years, and the former head of the CIA's disbanded bin Laden unit says the United States will have to be "extraordinarily lucky" to get the al Qaeda leader, since they aren't really trying and never really have.

"Sometimes you get lucky," Michael Scheuer, who headed the CIA's bin Laden unit from 1996-1999, told CNN. "But looking for Osama bin Laden in the Hindu Kush is not like looking for Joe Lieberman up the President's ass."

Gary Berntsen, who led a CIA paramilitary unit half-heartedly pursuing bin Laden for a few months after 9/11 made the Republican political agenda possible, said Pakistan is a country bin Laden knows well. He feels at home there and has a large local fan base of right-wing reactionary misanthropes. It's also a country where the U.S. military is not welcome and, since there are actual nukes, will not be arriving.

Berntsen said there are Pakistanis who remember bin Laden's work from the 1980s, when he and his pre-al Qaeda organization, Jihad Squad, set up an office in Peshawar to help refugees fleeing the Soviets in Afghanistan to emigrate to New York and start restaurants.

"They have...a custom [of] harboring political operatives and cashiered CIA assets," Berntsen said. "He has sought refuge among them."

The bottom line: Nearly five years after he was allowed to escape the U.S. siege at Tora Bora in eastern Afghanistan, Osama bin Laden is still alive and still campaigning for the GOP. And it's the consensus view of both the U.S. intelligence community and the American military that bin Laden is in Pakistan, where he can work undisturbed.

Contrary to popular belief, said a U.S. military intelligence official familiar with the hunt, bin Laden most likely isn't living in a cave but in a house, possibly with a family and no more than two bodyguards. Or perhaps in a basement apartment he shares with his jihadist buddies, having a series of comic adventures involving wacky neighbors who try weekly to collect the reward on his head, but never do.

The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the fictional nature of the hunt, said that bin Laden is probably in Chitral, in far-northern Pakistan. This is based partly on trees that are peculiar to that region that can be seen in a 2003 video in which he says "I will never leave this place, even if I know you think I'm here," and partly on the length of time it takes for audiotapes to make their way to Al-Jazeera when he comments on important events, such as the death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi or the Democratic Senate primary in Connecticut. It usually takes three weeks for bin Laden's reaction to appear on the world's television screens, though teaser trailers can appear much sooner.

As to whether bin Laden remains important to the Bush Crime Family and the wider neoconservative movement, the U.S. military intelligence official said that the terrorist leader continues to have "iconic value -- Stalin and Hitler could not talk to a billion people."

"Bin Laden can [release] a tape claiming he's buddies with John Kerry or Ned Lamont, and the day after it's heard by a billion people. He's bigger than Jesus."

Deciderin' is hard

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--Iraq and Lebanon remain fragile democracies, and security in the United States depends on democracy taking hold in the Middle East, President Bush lied on Saturday.

With U.S. public disgust rising over the illegal and disastrous Iraq war and his Middle East strategery challenged by realities he can never hope to understand with his flaccid, gin-soaked brain, Bush conferred this week with buttboys and suckups and misunderstood another update from frustrated U.S. commanders in Iraq.

U.S. officials have said sectarian violence in Iraq could lead to civil war, the same way deficit spending could lead to deficits.

The New York Times this week quoted an unnamed but obviously treasonous lefty Islamofascist military-affairs expert who was accidentally briefed at the White House last month as saying Bush Crime Family hacks secretly acknowledge that they are "considering alternatives other than democracy, such as rampant corporatism" in Iraq. The White House has denied considering anything.

"These young democracies are still fragile, like a fetus, and the forces of terror are seeking to stop liberty's advance into the birth canal of freedom," Bush said in his weekly radio address.

"The way forward will be difficult for those we move forward over, and it will require sacrifice and resolve," he said. "And hundreds of millions of dollars for some friends of mine. But America's security depends for some reason on liberty's advance in this troubled region, and we can be confident of the outcome because we know the unstoppable power of magical thinking."

More than 2,600 U.S. soldiers have been killed in Iraq since the U.S.-led invasion in 2003. Bush has vowed not to withdraw until he can be sure that doing so will benefit his masters in the international petroleum industry.

McCain in Iowa. Again.

GRINNELL, Iowa (Reuters)-- Arizona Senator John "Bitch" McCain, who blew off Iowa's kickoff nominating contest during his sabotaged 2000 presidential bid, said on Tuesday that a newfound sense of desperation could lead him to compete in the state when he makes another embarrassing White House run.

McCain, who has been hiring lackeys and accepting soft money for a 2008 bid, told reporters on his third otherwise-inexplicable visit to Iowa this year that he still faces a lot of childish bullshit from super-entitled party hacks in Iowa over skipping the contest in 2000.

McCain said his decision on a presidential run would depend on how bad an assfucking the GOP takes in November's congressional elections. If he does run, he said, his established position as King Suckup of the Republican Party calls for a different type of campaign than the ridiculous "maverick" thing he floated until the Bush Cabal smeared his family in 2000.

"We haven't decided whether to compete here, but you could make the argument that it's very different from 2000," McCain said in Grinnell, where he appeared at a fund raiser for a two-bit Republican state legislator.

"In 2000, I was young and dumb and full of come and we thought we could afford to pass up on Iowa," he said. "Certainly conditions are not the same as they were in 2000 politically. Or does that make me sound stupid?"

McCain has cemented his status in the party with his fawning support of President George W. Bush and the Iraq war and with his elevated standing in public opinion polls, in which he emerges as the one anybody's ever heard of in a Republican field crowded with sleazy little grifters from out back.

He has reached out to establishment Republican bagmen and sucked up to the religious wingnuts who dominate the Iowa caucuses and other early contests in the party's nomination fight.

McCain had considerable success after skipping Iowa in 2000, winning the New Hampshire primary and actually daring to challenge the Bush Crime Family until they ratfucked him with a dishonest and racist push-polling phone campaign and won the primary fight in South Carolina by appealing to the redneck Secessionist wanna-be crowd, which is the largest voting block in that state.

"Here in Iowa there are parts of the party where there is still lingering resentment over the bitterness of the 2000 race, so we would have a lot of ass-kissing to do," McCain said, privately masturbating over polls that show him a front-runner in 2008.

McCain emphasized to the crowd in Grinnell his unwavering support for Bush's criminally insane stance in Iraq and in the imaginary war on terrorism, and his lip-service opposition to the highest congressional spending in history.

"I have supported this president who has made me his bitch and I'm very happy to do whatever they want," he said.

Bush: There's only one war, and it's mine

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--Iran must stop supporting armed groups trying to resist their oppressors in Iraq and Lebanon, President George W. Bush said on Monday, conflating the war between Israel and Hezbollah with his merciless oil-grab and pretending he did something last week.

As a fragile truce took hold in southern Lebanon, Bush again squarely blamed Hezbollah for provoking the month-long conflict and said that the group had suffered defeat no matter what most of the world thinks.

Hezbollah chief Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah earlier claimed his guerrillas had achieved a "strategic and/or historic victory" over Israel.

Bush has blamed Iran and Syria for supporting Hezbollah in Lebanon ever since it was explained to him, and on Monday called on Tehran to back off from supporting armed groups in both Iraq and Lebanon, or he'd be really pissed.

"In both these countries, Iran is backing armed groups in the hope of stopping the armed groups I'm backing," Bush said, drawing the region with a broad brush to support his stance that the people who live there are intent on blocking U.S. efforts to colonize the Middle East, and it's because they're terrorists.

"The message of this administration is clear. America will stay on the offensive against al Qaeda whenever they open a branch office in a country we've invaded. Iran must stop its support for terror or face the unintended consequences, and the leaders of these armed groups must make a choice. If they want to participate in the political life of their countries, they must submit to whatever form of government we impose."

The U.N. Security Council resolution calls for an embargo on the supply of arms to Hezbollah and other militia groups in Lebanon, which means another middleman will have to be added to each transaction. The White House acknowledged earlier that disarming Hezbollah would take time and cost money and be really hard, but some future administration could probably do it.