Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Science vs. the Shitheads

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--With President George W. Bush petulantly threatening his first veto, the Senate opened debate on Monday on a bill to expand federal funding for embryonic stem cell research beyond the crippling and pointless limits set by the president in 2001.

Advocates of expanded federally funded research, including former Hollywood B-girl Nancy Reagan, say the science holds enormous potential for new cures and treatments for a host of diseases, including diabetes, spinal-cord injury and Republicanism.

Yet the research is politically volatile and ethically sensitive because extracting the cells involves the destruction of a human embryo that would otherwise have to be frozen, flushed, or raised at the expense of the state before induction into a secret government wetwork squad.

Bush, a sanctimonious dimwit who is against abortion but in favor of the death penalty and aerial bombardment of civilian population centers, has vowed to veto the bill. The White House repeated on Monday that Bush opposes using "federal taxpayer dollars to support and encourage the destruction of human life for research unrelated to the petroleum industry."

Advocates say the new legislation would allow the expanded research only on the hundreds of thousands of leftover embryos from fertility clinics that are currently being frozen or destroyed because these shitheads won't let them be used.

Bush in 2001 made a big fucking deal out of allowing federally funded research on 78 stem cell lines already in existence, but only about 20 proved useful for researchers, who complain they need more and that those available are only suitable for use in creating better bananas and super-intelligent sharks.

Under a devious agreement struck by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who plays a doctor on TV, the Senate took up a package of three linked bills: one good one for the president to oppose and two shitty ones he can support.

Frist, a potential 2008 presidential primary loser, said the White House policy "unduly restricts" the cells available to researchers.

"I believe that embryonic stem cell research and adult stem cell research should be federally funded within a carefully regulated, fully transparent, fully accountable framework," Frist said. He did not explain how this could be accomplished with Republicans in charge.

Bush backs the two bills created by the shitheads to allow him to flip-flop on the issue and pretend solidarity with those on either side of the debate.

One would prohibit anyone from implanting an embryo in the womb of a woman or animal for the purpose of extracting cells or tissue, which sounds really scary if you call it "Fetal Farming."

The other is designed to give political cover for anti-science Republican shitheads by promoting alternative forms of stem cell research that do not entail destroying an embryo, such as those already taking place in every lab in the country.

Sean Tipton, president of the Coalition for the Advancement of Medical Research, which is pushing for embryonic stem cell research, said backing only the alternative bill "would mean the shitheads win."

Conservative Republican Jesus freaks who back the alternative research and oppose the House-passed bill say advocates of embryonic stem cell research are baby-killing Hellspawn who are ignoring the value of other, less morally challenging research because they hate America.

"Embryonic stem cell research, which has not delivered any peer-reviewed treatments or human clinical trials, is immoral and unnecessary because of the much greater promise and track record of adult and cord blood stem cell research," said Kansas Republican Senator Sam Brownback, a noted shithead.

Stem cell experts say they want to pursue all avenues of research and not favor one over the other because that's how science is done in the real world, where biology doesn't care if you vote against it.

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