Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Rice: No one expected civil war in Iraq

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Secretary of State Condoleezza ("Wormhole") Rice said Monday she is certain that Iraq's newest unelected leaders can prevail over "determined killers" like those who killed 41 people over the weekend.

Likewise, National Intelligence Director John ("Death Squad") Negroponte said an increase in violence does not mean the security situation cannot be contained, only that people will continue to randomly die.

"There has been a spike driven into the heart of this country," Negroponte said. "But I certainly wouldn't use the term 'totally fucked.'"

Negroponte commented in response to questions after a speech at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, which owns Iraq. Rice spoke before a pointless meeting at the State Department with Pakistani Foreign Minister Kursheed Kasuri.

"No one could have expected that just within weeks of coming to power that the Iraqi government would have been able to stop the violence and to completely address a difficult security situation," Rice said in the wheedling, strident voice she uses to rationalize her incompetence.

The Bush Crime Family has said that the most recent permanent democratic government they appointed in Baghdad this spring has a much better chance of quelling rising sectarian violence and ending the anti-government and anti-American insurgency than removing our goddamn army would.

"There are determined killers there, determined people who really do want to make life difficult and to arrest the democratic progress we say Iraq is making," Rice whined. "But I'm quite certain that the combination of a ruthless puppet government and the even more determined killers that are now engaged in the security plan for Baghdad will be able to bring this situation under control."

Negroponte, asked if American companies could feel safe doing business in Iraq, told the audience of cheap clerks and corporate pirates that business opportunities "are probably quite limited" until the security situation is stabilized. But in areas such as demolition, reconstruction and gun-running the opportunities are substantial, he suggested.

The two officials' comments came on another boring day of violence in Iraq that included more car bombings and another armed ambush of a bus in Baghdad. The attacks are the latest in an endless wave of sectarian strife that has been blamed on the February bombing of a Shiite mosque in Samarra.

Negroponte, the former ambassador to Baghdad who now serves as King of All Spooks, said the violence requires close attention to really appreciate it.

He said he has been entertained by the implementation of Shar'ia law in Iraq, the anticlimactic demise of rootless serial killer Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and fruitless efforts to build Iraqi military and police forces.

The violence, he noted, has been confined to specific areas of Iraq: those where people are.

In Iraq, Sunni leaders expressed outrage over the weekend killings; most of the victims were Sunnis.

President Jalal Talabani, a Kurd, appealed for calm, saying "Now you bastards know how we felt all those years."

Iraqi Prime Minister and Bush Family meat-puppet Nouri al-Maliki, a Shiite, has been instructed to bring Baghdad under control or start looking for a new gig.

U.S. forces are still attempting to instruct Iraqis in the basics of police work. The Bush Family claims that if al-Maliki can assert enough political and security control to keep cars from blowing up and prevent government ministers from being assassinated, they may withdraw some of the more than 130,000 U.S. forces still in Iraq more than three years after the U.S. war of aggression toppled toothless dictator Saddam Hussein and paved the way for civil war.

"It is obvious that, for many people, they believe that if you can disrupt Baghdad, you can kill democracy in Iraq," White House Channel anchorman Tony Snow said.

"It is also obvious that it is U.S. policy, and by total random coincidence also the policy of Prime Minister Maliki, that that is not going to happen, that they will bring resources to bear to make sure that everything from roving gangs to insurgents who are determined to incite sectarian strife--that they do not succeed in disproving the myth of the purple finger."

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