Thursday, August 10, 2006

Hey, kids! It's Terror Time!

GREEN BAY (AP)--President Bush said Thursday that a foiled potential plot to blow up multiple flights from Britain to the United States shows "this nation is at war with Islamic fascists." He did not explain how fascism can exist without state and/or corporate sponsorship.

"This country is safer than it was prior to 9-11," Bush said from the tarmac at Austin Straubel International Airport in Wisconsin. "We've taken a lot of measures to protect the American people. Color-coded terror alerts have saved more lives than penicillin. But obviously we still aren't completely safe, as the Connecticut Senate primary shows. It is a mistake to believe Ned Lamont is no threat to the United States of America."

The president laid the blame for the would-be attack squarely on the al-Qaeda-type terrorism franchises that have flourished as a result of his policies.

"This nation is at war with Islamic fascists who will use any means to destroy those of us who are Christian fascists," he said.

Bush read from remarks he had written himself on sheets of lined white paper with a blue crayon. He spoke for just two minutes and took no questions. His brief message mostly appeared to be a promise that his administration was working to keep citizens safe from Democrats.

"The American people need to know we live in a dangerous world, but our glorious Republican government will do everything we can to protect our people from those dangers," the president said.

The president urged Americans to be tense and fearful, and to silently bear the many inconveniences that will result from the increased threat level that the Connecticut Senate primary prompted him to approve.

While drinking at his fake ranch in Crawford, Texas, over the last several days, Bush repeatedly thwarted aides attempting to interest him in the investigations that led to the arrest of 21 people in Britain who are accused of being involved in the plan. Officials said the plot would have involved explosives smuggled on board flights in hand luggage.

White House Channel anchorman Tony Snow said Bush approved raising the threat level for all flights from Britain to red, designating a severe risk of terrorist attacks, but insisted in the same breath that "it is safe to travel."

"You can't go overboard when you're trying to save lives on an airplane," Snow said, confusing reporters traveling with Bush on Air Force One. "Especially with midterm elections coming up."

"What we do know is that there were some people who were determined to try to carry out a plot to kill people on a horrifying scale," Snow added. "And we can't have private citizens behaving that way."

Because the president had been ignoring regular briefings on the developments, Snow said no one bothered rousing him from his tequila stupor as action by British authorities was made public.

Bush called the cooperation between British and U.S. officials "awesome" and "excellent."

After the remarks, Bush toured the Fox Valley Metal-Tech factory, using a machine to bend a piece of metal as if he'd ever worked a day in his life, and greeting employees who stopped to stare by playfully shouting, "Get back to work or we'll send your fuckin' job to India!"

Using the workers as a cheap backdrop, Bush spoke briefly to his traveling group of reporters, shills and buttboys about the importance of supporting small businesses by keeping big corporations from paying taxes. He did not mention the terror plot and wandered away when they asked questions about it.

Later, Bush headlined a $1,000-per-person fund-raiser that brought in over $500,00 for the Wisconsin Republican Party in nearby Oneida. At an Oneida police station, he also met privately with families of soldiers killed in Iraq. There were no arrests.

No comments: