Dragon Lady still going down...

ORLANDO(AP)--Representative Katherine Harris' desperate, doomed Senate campaign received a grand jury subpoena from federal investigators, but she stuffed it into her frilly hydraulic undergarments and tried to pretend nothing was wrong, prompting several staff members to quit when they finally figured out that the infamous Bush operative has the morals and judgment of a diseased & dying sewer rat, a former aide said Wednesday.

The Justice Department is investigating Harris' dealings with Mitchell Wade, a jumped-up gunrunner whose patrons have included ex-Representative Randy Cunningham (R-CA), currently incarcerated.

Harris, an über-Republican sock-puppet, has trailed Democratic Senator Bill Nelson in most polls. Fundraising has been pathetic, GOP leaders have tried everything their pointy little heads could imagine to find another candidate, and several sets of staff members have quit in recent months rather than risk being photographed in public with the painted harridan of Sarasota.

Some Republican leaders have warned that Harris--the former Florida secretary of state who played a key role in the fraud and betrayal that disenfranchised thousands of Florida voters in 2000 and gave the White House to a dry-drunk, serial-killing imbecile--is so hated among Democrats and other sentient life-forms that she could drag down the entire GOP ticket into some fetid, stinking crawl-space where even your precious estate tax abatement isn't safe.

In June, the Harris campaign staff was startled to receive a bill for thousands of dollars' worth of legal work that contained a reference to "DOJ subpoena," according to the aide, who spoke with The Associated Press on condition of anonymity because Ms. Harris carries a gun.

It was only then that Harris disclosed that the campaign had received the Department of Justice subpoena, the aide said, and demanded that staff members get down on all fours so she could play horsie.

About two weeks later, the aide and several other campaign staff quit, citing ailments from nervousness to chronic blistering.

Harris was reached on her cell phone Wednesday by the AP, but pretended she had a bad connection and referred the call to her campaign office, where the phone rang and rang and rang before campaign spokeswoman Jennifer Marks reluctantly admitted that Harris is cooperating with the investigation, but insisted she is "not a target." She would not comment further, and begged to be left alone with her gin and worthless rèsumè.

The receipt of the subpoena was first reported by The Tampa Tribune, which spoke with former campaign manager Glenn Hodas, currently convalescing in an undisclosed location. Hodas, the third person to hold the position and the first to survive, resigned after three months on the job, saying only that Harris was a savage, insatiable beast with no understanding of the phrases "No," "You can't" or "Please, don't."

Wade has admitted giving Harris $32,000 in illegal campaign contributions and a backrub. Harris put on fresh lipstick and sought $10 million in federal money to help Wade's company, MZM Inc., set up a Navy counterintelligence program in her district. The request was rejected like last night's clinging barroom skank.

Harris has said that she's only a girl, she can't keep track of every five-figure bribe she gets and anyway, why don't we meet in private later and we can talk about all this? Okay?