Falwell struck dead; God suspected

LYNCHBURG, VA (AP)--Jerry Falwell, the bugfuck insane evangelical power-broker who used television, tax exemption and the myth of the Moral Majority to bring the Bush Crime Family to power during the Reagan years, was finally killed by his angry, vengeful God on Tuesday, aged 73.

Falwell was discovered without a pulse or a forwarding address in his office at Liberty University and pronounced dead at a hospital an hour later. Dr. Carl Moore, Falwell's physician, said God had been torturing him with a heart condition for some time, and had presumably struck him dead with a heart rhythm abnormality.

Driven insane and into politics by Roe vs. Wade, the 1973 Supreme Court decision establishing that women own their bodies, Falwell founded the Moral Majority in 1979 as a way to undermine constitutional processes without paying any taxes. One of the theocratic cult's greatest triumphs came just a year later, when the brain-damaged Ronald Reagan was chosen to front for the Bush Crime Family in Washington.

Falwell bragged that his army of credulous dupes in the Moral Majority registered millions of religious conservatives and convinced them to vote against their economic self-interest, paving the way for the American Age of Theocratic Fascism.

"I shudder to think where the country would be right now if the religious right had not evolved," he said when he stepped down as Moral Majority president in 1987. "Well, maybe evolved is the wrong word," he added.

Fellow TV evangelist Pat Robertson, himself a raving lunatic and career criminal, declared Falwell "a tower of strength on many of the moral issues which have confronted our nation," but refused to speculate on why God would kill him.

"Dr. Falwell was a man of distinguished accomplishment who devoted his life to serving his faith and country, but then, I guess God knows what He's doing," said Senator John McCain, a GOP presidential contender who will say absolutely anything, even lapsing at times into a gibberish language of pops and clicks. During the 2000 primaries he referred to Falwell and Robertson as "agents of intolerance." McCain has since attempted to distance himself from those comments, because he desperately needs all those morons to vote for him.