Bush: Iraq is pay-to-play, bitches

CRAWFORD, Texas (Reuters)--President George W. Bush on Saturday urged other nations to make good on $13 billion in pledges to help the new Baghdad government pay bribes to Halliburton and protection to Blackwater, and said the United States is too far gone down the road of fascist doublethink to admit Iraq is a total clusterfuck.

Bush, who is desperate to show progress even as polls say a majority of Americans think the 2003 invasion was the single dumbest foreign policy decision in American history, laid out an ambitious agenda for U.S. interference, including helping the Iraqis increase oil and electricity production to pre-war levels through privatization and tax cuts.

He said Bush Crime Family goon squads would continue to be embedded in Iraqi army and police units and the United States would help the new Iraqi ministers of defense and interior improve name-taking and ass-kicking, root out dissent and investigate and punish human rights advocacy.

And he promised U.S. theoretical support for Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki's efforts to nationalize militias and build a judicial system.

"It is vital for the Iraqi people to know with certainty that America has an endless, expendable supply of blood and treasure," Bush said in his weekly pointless radio address from his fake ranch in Crawford, Texas. "The challenges that remain in Iraq are serious, I'm told."

He called on other countries to step up to the plate or face our mighty, savage wrath.

"We will encourage other nations to fulfill the monetary pledges they have already made to help the new Iraqi government succeed," Bush said. The international community was initially bullied into promising about $13 billion--or roughly 4% of U.S. taxpayer contributions to date--but so far only $3 billion in used tens and twenties has been paid out.

U.S. diplomats will go to Asia, Europe and the Middle East to twist arms and threaten potential donors, some of whom fear their money will be used for mercenaries and kickbacks rather than reconstruction, like all of ours has.

Bush said that as Iraq made progress in the political, economic and security areas, the international community in return would provide Iraq with "more robust" political and economic support, but neglected to explain what he meant.

Although the deadly, unpopular and illegal war has helped sink his approval ratings to child molester levels, Bush gave no hint of any imminent drawdown of the 129,000 U.S. troops in Iraq despite pressure from panicked Republican incumbents to do so before congressional elections in November render the whole bunch of them susceptible to prison time.

"We face determined enemies who remain intent on killing the innocent, and defeating these enemies will require more sacrifice and the continued patience of our country," he said. "I mean, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few thousand eggs."

The number of acknowledged U.S. military deaths in Iraq reached 2,500 this week, which means it won't be long before Bush has killed more Americans than Osama bin Laden. More than three years has passed since the beginning of the pre-emptive cakewalk that now finds U.S.-led forces locked in a struggle with a resilient Sunni Arab insurgency, a tiny fraction of which has ties to al Qaeda.

Bush has refused to set a deadline for withdrawing American troops, stand up, stand down, corner corner corner.

Some Democrats have demanded U.S. forces be pulled out soon, but they are traitors and cowards with French-sounding names.

"At the earliest practicable time, the United States must begin the responsible redeployment of its troops, and the Iraqis must assume the burden of defending their own country," said Nancy Pelosi, the top Democrat in the U.S. House of Representatives, a well-known Islamofascist dupe who hates America and is probably gay, if not gay-married.

Coming off a recent stretch of rare good news--the death and probable martyrdom of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the formation of another Iraqi government, official word that top aide Karl Rove has cut some kind of deal in the CIA leak case and an attention-grabbing five-hour visit to a fortified military complex in Baghdad's Green Zone--Bush planned to spend a quiet weekend at his central Texas ranch, drinking.

Cheney unfazed by doom & failure

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Vice President Dick Cheney said Thursday that the Republicans will prevail in the midterm elections even if he has to personally shoot every Democratic congressional candidate in the face.

Polls show voters favor Democrats taking charge in November, but Cheney insisted that you can't go by polls, citing exit polls that showed President Bush losing both of the elections Diebold said he won. He said the GOP will maintain its majority control in the Senate and House no matter how many deals they have to make with incarcerated computer hackers. He emitted guttural, threatening sounds about the economy and President Bush's record in the war on terror, which he evidently thinks is impressive.

"And we protected the United States against further attack from the terrorists," Cheney said in an interview on Sean Hannity's propaganda show. "You can't guarantee there won't be further attacks, but I think the track record is remarkable," he continued, alluding to the Bush Administration's having lost only 3,000 more civilian lives to terrorism than any previous team.

At his news conference Wednesday, Bush also predicted Republican victories in November, saying the GOP "philosophy of fear-mongering, race-baiting and gay-bashing is one that is forward-looking and optimistic and has worked."

Last week, the Associated Press-Ipsos poll found that only 24 percent of those surveyed approve of the way the Republican-controlled Congress is doing its job, and most of them were either homophobic Jesus freaks or ripped to the tits on meth, or both. Fifty-two percent said they want Democrats to capture control of Congress in November, which Cheney pointed out should make the election close enough to fix.

Bush sneaks into Iraq, hides in Green Zone

BAGHDAD (AP)--President Bush told Iraq's newest leader on Tuesday, with a completely straight face, that the fate of his Oil War-scarred country is in Iraq's own hands.

"There's a worry almost to a person that we will leave before they are capable of defending themselves from our independent contractors," Bush said, laughing his creepy, fume-huffing laugh as he flew back to the safety of the United States after his surprise trip to meet with Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, whom he nicknamed "Nour-mal."

"And I assured them that they didn't need to worry," Bush said. "There's still a lot of money to be made in Iraq, and we will continue to take the lead in grabbing it until such time as they are ready to take the lead in paying it to us."

Bush said that top U.S. military and policy thugs would sit down with Iraqi officials in the days ahead "and devise a way forward." The president also said he would step up pressure on other world leaders to pony up some dough.

"I am going to call these leaders again and remind them that a stable and secure Iraq is part of a stable and secure Middle East," Bush said. "Or something like that. They love it when I talk like that."

In a secret mission designed to showcase nonexistent U.S. support for this month's unity government and to make himself look less like a chickenshit war profiteer, the president said the United States would stand by the new government as it works to achieve a slightly less debilitating level of bloody chaos.

At the same time, he emphasized that Iraq must control its own destiny in spite of the permanent U.S. military bases being constructed there.

"The decisions you and your cabinet make will be determinate as to whether or not a country succeeds that can govern itself, sustain itself and defend itself," he told al-Maliki, who asked that the translation be repeated three times before shaking his head ruefully and heading for the bar.

Bush's trip comes at a time when many Democrats--and some in his own party, and a majority of Americans--are calling for an immediate withdrawal of American troops and an end to the senseless carnage engendered by his illegal invasion.

War anxiety, along with the creeping realization that the U.S. government is run by ruthless criminals and incompetent Jesus freaks, has been the driving force behind Bush's meteoric plunge in the polls and a cause of Republican distress about maintaining control of Congress in the November midterm elections without resorting to violence.

Bush spent just over 5 1/2 hours surrounded by ordnance and concrete in Baghdad. It was his second unannounced visit in the three-year war. He met with American troops at Thanksgiving 2003 in a visit confined to the airport and limited to a few hours, during which he posed with a rubber turkey and polished off a twelve-pack of Lone Star.

Bush slipped away from what had been, it turns out, erroneously billed as a two-day meeting at Camp David for a secret 11-hour overnight flight that brought him to his first direct talks with al-Maliki and members of the newest government.

His visit to the safest place in Iraq was accompanied by the type of incredibly tight security Elvis used to have. On the way out, lights were turned off both on the helicopters that took Bush and his entourage to the airport and on Air Force One itself. The president sat in the dark, mumbling "Bring 'em on," and jumping at the tiniest sound.

Only a handful of trusted goons knew about the trip in advance.

Al-Maliki himself did not know the president was in Baghdad until brass-knuckled Bush Family enforcers stormed into the blue-domed palace in the heavily fortified Green Zone, which was once used by Saddam Hussein as a tax dodge.

The Iraqi president had come to the embassy expecting to spend a painless hour participating in a satellite video conference with Bush and cronies from the fortified presidential mountain retreat in Maryland.

Instead, Bush sat beside him telling fart jokes. The video conference went on as scheduled with the U.S. officials still at Camp David, who seemed delighted by the president's absence.

"I've come to not only look you in the eye," Bush told al-Maliki, who appeared unnerved. "I've also come to tell you that when America gives its word, it keeps its word. In other words, these are words."

Al-Maliki, speaking in heathen Arabic, thanked Bush for U.S. protection rackets, but expressed a forlorn hope that one day American troops would be gone.

"God willing, all of the suffering will be over, and all of the soldiers will be able to return to their countries with our gratitude for what they have offered," al-Maliki said. "But I'm not holding my breath."

Before leaving Baghdad, Bush addressed a group of about 300 carefully screened U.S. troops whose Republican leanings entitled them to easy gigs with the U.S. Embassy. He thanked them for their work and said a top U.S. priority was now to make sure the new government knows who's in charge.

"Our job is to help them succeed and we will," Bush said. "Now watch this drive."

Several U.S. lawmakers briefed on Bush's trip predicted that a phased withdrawal of U.S. troops might be accelerated in time for the midterm election cycle, the outcome of which could determine whether the president will die in prison.

Bush also met with other faceless and impotent Iraqi leaders before fleeing the country.

Later, bullying reporters for about 35 minutes on Air Force One, Bush said some bitch from the Iraqi cabinet actually asked him about the U.S. military's conduct in terms of human rights of Iraqis.

"I assured her any complaints she had, we have little nobodies to listen and there will be full investigations." He said he reminded the Iraqi officials that mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners by Americans at Abu Ghraib prison "is a sorry chapter in the Iraqi experience," which is much better than saying they deserved it.

Bush's visit came as his cabal attempted to regain the initiative after months of increasingly deadly violence in Iraq and flagging support for the war among decent Americans.

In Washington, Secretary of State Condoleezza ("Wormhole") Rice and Defense Secretary Donald H. ("Hammerhead") Rumsfeld gave a classified briefing on Bush's trip to selected senators, then whored for the cameras.

Rumsfeld said that many U.S. troops have already been brought home on stretchers and in body bags unloaded in the dead of night, far from the prying eyes of the press. He said officials would meet with Iraqi leaders "in the weeks and months, probably years ahead, discussing at what pace we're going to be able to draw down our forces and it will all be done in a very orderly way, like the invasion and occupation."

Al Qaeda in Iraq names new bogeyman

BAGHDAD (Reuters)--Al Qaeda in Iraq, Inc. said its new leader named on Monday would keep up a popular campaign of beheadings, suicide bombings and video gag reels begun by the Jordanian militant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, who was killed by U.S. bombs last week.

"The shura council of al Qaeda in Iraq unanimously agreed on Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajir to be a successor to Sheikh Abu Musab al-Zarqawi," said a statement signed by al Qaeda corporate officers and posted on a Web site frequently used by Islamist militants for dating.

"Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajir is a good union brother, has a history in the jihad industry and is a real people person," it said.

Muhajir was not among the names al Qaeda experts had expected to succeed Zarqawi, but they still claim to be experts.

Al Qaeda makes up just 5 percent of the Sunni Arab insurgency (which has been in its last throes for well over a year), but its suicide bombers have a fabulous track record, sometimes killing over 100 people in a single attack, and jihadistas agree that theirs is the coolest team in the game today.

Although U.S. and Iraqi leaders have hailed Zarqawi's death in an American air strike as a major blow against al Qaeda, no one thinks it will make a damn bit of difference in the long run.

Earlier, a source in the prime minister's office said Iraq was considering inviting members of insurgent groups to national reconciliation talks if a good deal on hotel rooms can be arranged.

A committee of powerless government officials and directionless political groups will try to agree on a definition of "resistance," he said.

If they agree, members of some insurgent groups will be invited to take part in the talks on July 22, to be followed by brunch and a meet-and-greet.

Shi'ite Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki has rejected the idea of dialogue with Saddam Hussein loyalists and other hardline groups, saying they have Iraqi blood on their hands, though he continues to communicate with the Bush Crime Family.

But Sunni officials say he can deliver on hollow promises of national reconciliation only if he opens meaningless dialogue with the groups leading the insurgency into its next throes.

"They (the government) must talk to everybody and when we say everybody, we mean everybody who knows how to make bombs," said Abdul Hadi al-Zubeidi, a Sunni politician.

Al Qaeda, once a fringe group appealing only to the most disaffected radical extremists, is now comprised of mainstream Iraqis and Arab militants who travel to Iraq to wage what they see as a holy war against U.S. occupation troops and Halliburton.

Al Qaeda expert Fares bin Houzam said Muhajir could be a pseudonym for Egyptian militant Abu Ayyub al-Masri, who U.S. officials have said could succeed Zarqawi, or Saudi-born Sheikh Abu Hafs al-Qarni, whom al Qaeda named as Zarqawi's deputy last year in an Internet statement later retracted for grammatical errors. Or he could be some whole other dude.

The U.S. military said U.S.-led forces killed seven militants with links to senior al Qaeda leaders in a raid on Monday near the area where Zarqawi was killed, but were unable to kill Zarqawi again.

"Following the assault, coalition troops discovered two children had been killed," it said in a statement.

A senior U.S. military spokesman said the gunmen had the children with them on a roof and described the deaths, which included a six-month-old boy and another child, as "too fuckin' bad."

Bush threatens return to D.C.

OMAHA, Nebraska (AP) -- President Bush stressed the need for immigrants to learn American values and culture if they are to become citizens and get that fabulous minimum wage, as he paid a visit Wednesday to this heartland state where the Hispanic population is on the rise after more than a century of white people.

Bush said that upon his return to Washington after his grueling two-day tour of what was once northern Mexico, he would sign an executive order creating a task force that will expand English, civics and history classes to help more foreigners assimilate into the vast consumer swamp that is America. It will be led by Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, who has never had a job in education in his life.

"One aspect of making sure we have an immigration system that works, that's orderly and fair, is to actively reach out and help people assimilate into our cheap labor economy," Bush said. "That's what you get for learning the values and history and language of America."

Bush spoke to one such classroom in Omaha. The president quizzed the students about American history in their native Spanish, which confused and frightened them, then gave a rambling speech trying to push his controversial and incoherent immigration plan and acknowledging it's "a tough debate for America" when no one can understand what the president is saying.

Bush says he believes the House and Senate can agree on their sharply different approaches to illegal immigration, also that he's a much better driver when he's had a few drinks. Negotiations to form legislative subcommittees to explore amendments to each to begin the process of reconciling the two have yet to begin, and Bush said he was looking forward to them, whatever they are.

"That will give us a pretty good feel for whether or not attitudes are hardened to the point nothing can get done," Bush said Tuesday during a stop at a discreet special interest meat parlor in the border town of Laredo, Texas. "I don't think so," he added, then became disoriented and upset.

Bush's hellish and exhausting two-day trip on the issue took him to the training facility for Border Patrol agents in Artesia, New Mexico, to a sector headquarters near the Rio Grande River and finally to the Midwest town of Omaha, which he'd always thought was in Japan.