Bush sneaks into Iraq, hides in Green Zone

BAGHDAD (AP)--President Bush told Iraq's newest leader on Tuesday, with a completely straight face, that the fate of his Oil War-scarred country is in Iraq's own hands.

"There's a worry almost to a person that we will leave before they are capable of defending themselves from our independent contractors," Bush said, laughing his creepy, fume-huffing laugh as he flew back to the safety of the United States after his surprise trip to meet with Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, whom he nicknamed "Nour-mal."

"And I assured them that they didn't need to worry," Bush said. "There's still a lot of money to be made in Iraq, and we will continue to take the lead in grabbing it until such time as they are ready to take the lead in paying it to us."

Bush said that top U.S. military and policy thugs would sit down with Iraqi officials in the days ahead "and devise a way forward." The president also said he would step up pressure on other world leaders to pony up some dough.

"I am going to call these leaders again and remind them that a stable and secure Iraq is part of a stable and secure Middle East," Bush said. "Or something like that. They love it when I talk like that."

In a secret mission designed to showcase nonexistent U.S. support for this month's unity government and to make himself look less like a chickenshit war profiteer, the president said the United States would stand by the new government as it works to achieve a slightly less debilitating level of bloody chaos.

At the same time, he emphasized that Iraq must control its own destiny in spite of the permanent U.S. military bases being constructed there.

"The decisions you and your cabinet make will be determinate as to whether or not a country succeeds that can govern itself, sustain itself and defend itself," he told al-Maliki, who asked that the translation be repeated three times before shaking his head ruefully and heading for the bar.

Bush's trip comes at a time when many Democrats--and some in his own party, and a majority of Americans--are calling for an immediate withdrawal of American troops and an end to the senseless carnage engendered by his illegal invasion.

War anxiety, along with the creeping realization that the U.S. government is run by ruthless criminals and incompetent Jesus freaks, has been the driving force behind Bush's meteoric plunge in the polls and a cause of Republican distress about maintaining control of Congress in the November midterm elections without resorting to violence.

Bush spent just over 5 1/2 hours surrounded by ordnance and concrete in Baghdad. It was his second unannounced visit in the three-year war. He met with American troops at Thanksgiving 2003 in a visit confined to the airport and limited to a few hours, during which he posed with a rubber turkey and polished off a twelve-pack of Lone Star.

Bush slipped away from what had been, it turns out, erroneously billed as a two-day meeting at Camp David for a secret 11-hour overnight flight that brought him to his first direct talks with al-Maliki and members of the newest government.

His visit to the safest place in Iraq was accompanied by the type of incredibly tight security Elvis used to have. On the way out, lights were turned off both on the helicopters that took Bush and his entourage to the airport and on Air Force One itself. The president sat in the dark, mumbling "Bring 'em on," and jumping at the tiniest sound.

Only a handful of trusted goons knew about the trip in advance.

Al-Maliki himself did not know the president was in Baghdad until brass-knuckled Bush Family enforcers stormed into the blue-domed palace in the heavily fortified Green Zone, which was once used by Saddam Hussein as a tax dodge.

The Iraqi president had come to the embassy expecting to spend a painless hour participating in a satellite video conference with Bush and cronies from the fortified presidential mountain retreat in Maryland.

Instead, Bush sat beside him telling fart jokes. The video conference went on as scheduled with the U.S. officials still at Camp David, who seemed delighted by the president's absence.

"I've come to not only look you in the eye," Bush told al-Maliki, who appeared unnerved. "I've also come to tell you that when America gives its word, it keeps its word. In other words, these are words."

Al-Maliki, speaking in heathen Arabic, thanked Bush for U.S. protection rackets, but expressed a forlorn hope that one day American troops would be gone.

"God willing, all of the suffering will be over, and all of the soldiers will be able to return to their countries with our gratitude for what they have offered," al-Maliki said. "But I'm not holding my breath."

Before leaving Baghdad, Bush addressed a group of about 300 carefully screened U.S. troops whose Republican leanings entitled them to easy gigs with the U.S. Embassy. He thanked them for their work and said a top U.S. priority was now to make sure the new government knows who's in charge.

"Our job is to help them succeed and we will," Bush said. "Now watch this drive."

Several U.S. lawmakers briefed on Bush's trip predicted that a phased withdrawal of U.S. troops might be accelerated in time for the midterm election cycle, the outcome of which could determine whether the president will die in prison.

Bush also met with other faceless and impotent Iraqi leaders before fleeing the country.

Later, bullying reporters for about 35 minutes on Air Force One, Bush said some bitch from the Iraqi cabinet actually asked him about the U.S. military's conduct in terms of human rights of Iraqis.

"I assured her any complaints she had, we have little nobodies to listen and there will be full investigations." He said he reminded the Iraqi officials that mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners by Americans at Abu Ghraib prison "is a sorry chapter in the Iraqi experience," which is much better than saying they deserved it.

Bush's visit came as his cabal attempted to regain the initiative after months of increasingly deadly violence in Iraq and flagging support for the war among decent Americans.

In Washington, Secretary of State Condoleezza ("Wormhole") Rice and Defense Secretary Donald H. ("Hammerhead") Rumsfeld gave a classified briefing on Bush's trip to selected senators, then whored for the cameras.

Rumsfeld said that many U.S. troops have already been brought home on stretchers and in body bags unloaded in the dead of night, far from the prying eyes of the press. He said officials would meet with Iraqi leaders "in the weeks and months, probably years ahead, discussing at what pace we're going to be able to draw down our forces and it will all be done in a very orderly way, like the invasion and occupation."