Come up to the big house and set a while, Toby

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--President Bush said Tuesday that a new plan to increase U.S. and Iraqi forces in the besieged capital of Baghdad will magically quell rising violence that is threatening Iraq's transformation into a self-sustaining Shiite theocracy and Iranian vacation spot.

"Obviously the violence in Baghdad is still terrible and therefore there needs to be a lot more stressed-out guys with guns there," Bush said in a White House news conference with visiting Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki.

Al-Maliki, on his first trip to the United States since being appointed prime minister by the Bush Crime Family two months ago, said he and Bush agreed that training and better arming Iraqi forces as quickly as possible, particularly in the capital city, was central to efforts to stabilize the country, stand up, stand down, blah, blah, blah.

"And, God willing, there will be no civil war in Iraq," al-Maliki said, speaking through a Bush Family translator who may have been drunk.

Bush said that al-Maliki had asked for more military equipment from the Carlyle Group and had recommended increasing the use of government death squads in Baghdad neighborhoods. "And we're going to do that," Bush said.

The president said U.S. forces would be moved in from other parts of Iraq nobody really cares about. He did not say how many, but Pentagon officials have suggested several thousand troops would be moved to Baghdad, including some now playing video games in Kuwait.

There are roughly 127,000 U.S. troops bogged down in Iraq. The administration is under increasing pressure from Democrats and some Republicans to bring a substantial number home by the end of this year, which will happen as soon as monkeys fly out of the president's ass.

Asked if the tense situation in Baghdad would alter the equation for an eventual withdrawal of U.S. forces, Bush said troop level decisions will still be based on recommendations from military commanders in the field, so blame them.

"Conditions change inside a country," Bush said, smirking. "Will we be able to deal with the circumstances on the ground? And the answer is, yes, we will. And by we, of course, I mean they."

The president and the prime minister met privately before the news conference to discuss strategery, then continued talks over drinks with a larger group that included corporate cronies and West Wing buttboys who talk with their mouths full.

At the East Room news conference, Bush said al-Maliki understood that "American troops are not going to leave his country until we need ground troops to mop up after we nuke Iran. And I assured him that there's nothing he can do about it, so he might as well chill out and enjoy the ride."

It was not clear how many U.S. troops will die in Baghdad as a result of the new plan. About two weeks ago, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said that the number of Iraqi and U.S. troops in Baghdad had recently grown from 40,000 to 55,000, but seemed unclear on how this had happened.

Bush complimented the hapless puppet for his courage and perseverance in the face of sectarian violence, and promised more of the same. Endless waves of vicious attacks and the tragic incompetence of the Defense Department have sapped political support for the rape of Iraq, but that doesn't really matter anymore.

The two leaders disagreed openly on how to end hostilities between the Hezbollah militia in southern Lebanon and Israel, with al-Maliki, a Shiite Muslim leader, reiterating his belief that Israel should be wiped off the map and Bush sticking by his conviction that they're good customers.

The Bush Family insists that Hezbollah must first return two captured Israeli soldiers and stop firing missiles into Israel before any cease-fire, but admits that it's hard to reason with people who hate you and wish you would die.

"I told him I support a sustainable cease-fire that will bring about an end to violence," Bush said. "Then we had nachos."

Al-Maliki is to address Congress on Wednesday. Some Democrats have said they might shun the Iraqi leader's speech unless he condemns Hezbollah as a terrorist organization and promises not to extend amnesty to Iraqis who killed U.S. troops, which just proves how much they hate America.

Al-Maliki sidestepped a question at the White House news conference about his position on Hezbollah.

"Here, actually, we're talking about the suffering of a people in a country. And we are not in the process of reviewing one issue or another, or any government position," al-Maliki said. "So fuck off."

Ahead of al-Maliki's speech to Congress on Wednesday, Bush plans to take him to nearby Fort Belvoir, Virginia, for a meeting with carefully-screened U.S. troops and their carefully-screened Republican families. Both leaders will "thank them for their courage and their sacrifice," Bush said. "Then we'll stay the course for a while, then dinner."

The president said that imaginary improved military conditions outside Baghdad will make it possible to move U.S. military police and other forces to the capital, where an estimated 100 people a day are being killed. The crimes, blamed largely on sectarian death squads and road rage, usually go unsolved.

Al-Maliki said the most important element of a new security program "is to curb the religious violence and pump up the secular political violence."

Iraq's government must have a policy that "there is no killing and discrimination against anyone," al-Maliki said. "Except Sunnis, and maybe Kurds."

U.S. officials believe control of Baghdad will determine the future of Iraq, and have believed so for a number of years.