Monday, June 26, 2006

Senate debates weird juju

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AFP)--The U.S. Senate on Monday proved they're worth the pay raises they're always giving themselves by debating legislation on a bullshit election-year constitutional change that would make it a crime to destroy the American flag or otherwise harm democracy through an act of voodoo.

The proposed amendment would "prohibit the physical desecration" of the flag "on pain of death" and has the best chance in several years of being approved due to the preponderance of craven wingnuts currently seeking re-election in a country that has grown sick of them.

Over the past decade and a half, since the radical left-wing judicial activists on the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that flag desecration was a protected form of speech no matter how much domestic real estate or abstract virtue is destroyed as a result, Congress has repeatedly attempted to approve a flag desecration ban, but only in even-numbered years when their numbers are low and nobody much cares about faggots or wetbacks.

The amendment reads: "The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States and shall not suffer a witch to live."

Supporters of the amendment say a ban would ensure that the American standard, mostly manufactured in Pakistan, is treated like a sacred object with magical powers far outstripping its simple symbolic value, and that there are many ways of expressing dissent without angering the spirits of our forefathers and endangering freedom itself by defacing our company's corporate logo.

Senator Richard Durbin, (D-IL) said the debate distracts from more important policy matters, like protecting America's highways by outlawing map desecration.

"There are scarcely any instances across America where people are burning the flag for the purpose of harming the country for which it stands.

"And yet, now we want to set aside the important business of the Senate, health care and energy policy and education and pay raises and debate for an entire week this concept of amending our Bill of Rights for the first time in our history," said Durbin. "I mean, what the fuck?"

Some lawmakers, including Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY), have taken a middle ground position, saying they are opposed to flag desecration, but also against revising the constitution. They are called "centrists" because they refuse to call bullshit when they see it, even when it is obvious to the meanest intelligence that there is bullshit present.

A poll one year ago by the non-partisan First Amendment Center showed 63 percent of Americans did not favor a flag-burning amendment or any more pay raises for Congress.

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