Monday, June 05, 2006

White House: Iran's just kidding

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Reuters)--The Bush Family Compound called Iran's threat to disrupt oil supplies "theoretical" on Monday, and said Tehran should be given time to consider stock packages from major multinational corporations in exchange for outsourcing its also mostly theoretical nuclear program.

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, supreme leader of the world's fourth largest oil exporter and a wild-eyed religious maniac on a par with Pat Robertson, said on Sunday that oil flows could be disrupted if the United States "fucks up again" against Iran. His remarks prompted oil prices to rise, and the prophet laughed, presumably.

"I understand why the commodities markets may be unsettled by a comment like that, but remember, the Bush Family has been dealing with these people since 1980 and if this succeeds the commodities markets are going to be very happy and it won't matter what Bernanke says when the president wants his T-Bills to climb," White House Channel anchorman Tony Snow said.

Khamenei did not specify what would be considered fucking up again, but the genius codebreakers at the White House interpreted the comment as referring to an invasion. Khamenei also said the United States was not capable of securing energy flows in Mississippi, let alone Iran.

"He threatened that in the case of a United States invasion. That was a theoretical statement," Snow said. "They're always a little paranoid when they think there's a large, hostile force in Iraq, looking across their border with greedy eyes."

"I am not going to tell what steps one might take in such a situation. That not only would be irresponsible, it would be unprecedented," he added. "I mean, you understand I don't really do this for a living, right?"

Snow urged patience to allow Iran to ridicule and deride the offer agreed to last week by the United States, Russia, China, France, Britain and Germany, designed to persuade Tehran to halt uranium enrichment by telling them to.

"There are going to be any number of insane statements coming out of Iran. I mean, the place is run by people who would beat you to death for eating a hot dog. I would caution against leaping to conclusions until the leadership in Iran has actually had an opportunity to see how much money there is to be made if we had, for instance, Halliburton do their enrichment for them," Snow said. "And Ken Lay's going to be looking for work in a couple years, you can bet on that."

"The Iranians are going to realize that this is a serious offer from a serious syndicate. It's an offer that offers great promise for them, it offers great promise for the region, and it would really be a shame if they called our bluff," Snow said.

Western nations suspect Iran is enriching uranium to make an atomic bomb. Iran insists its aims are peaceful and that it wants to make fuel only to generate electricity to run factories for making conventional bombs to rain down death on the enemies of Islam.

"Let's give it time, let the Iranians take a look at what the offers are, the bribes and threats. One can probably expect some shrieking mullahs, some Death To America shit. We counsel patience," Snow said. "I mean: they're pissed off, so they're gonna vent. You know?"

Hoping to make the incentive package more attractive to Iran, Washington last week announced it was ready to join multilateral talks with Iran on condition that Tehran ceased uranium enrichment, allowing Iran to bargain from a position of rage.

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