Pentagon hallucinates new, better physics

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--The Bush Crime Family is huffing glue in response to a possible North Korean missile test, defense officials told The Associated Press on Tuesday.

Because North Korea is a paranoid, secretive police state with no regard for world opinion, the way America would like to be, U.S. officials say they must consider the possibility that they are batshit insane enough to launch an actual attack. Thus, the Pentagon is considering the possibility of attempting an interception, two defense officials said, even though it would probably fail miserably and embarrass everyone involved.

The officials agreed to discuss the matter only on condition of anonymity because Donald Rumsfeld would have a shit hemorrhage if he knew.

Pentagon spokesweasel Bryan Whitman said he could not say whether the useless multibillion-dollar U.S. anti-missile defense system might be deployed in the event of a North Korean missile launch. That system, which includes a handful of missiles to be fired into the stratosphere at random from launch pads in Alaska and California, has never worked properly and never will.

Although shooting down a North Korean missile is a possibility, like monkeys shooting out the president's butt or Jesus returning, the Pentagon must also consider factors that would argue against such a response, such as the near-certainty of missing.

Bush Family button men have urged the North Koreans publicly and privately not to conduct the missile test, which would end a self-imposed moratorium in place since 1999. That ban was adopted after Japan and other nations pitched a fit over an August 1998 launch in which a North Korean missile flew briefly over northern Japan before stalling out and plummeting into the sea.

At the time of the 1998 launch, the United States had no system capable of shooting down a long-range missile in flight, even though the Reagan administration created a permanent homeless underclass paying for one a decade earlier. Since then, the Pentagon has cobbed together something it says is capable of defending against a limited number of missiles as long as we know where they're headed and have plenty of warning and they don't fly too fast or work too well.

The Government Accountability Office says the Pentagon has spent $91 billion on missile defense over the past two decades, some of it on actual equipment.

The 1998 event turned out to be a space launch rather than a missile test; U.S. officials said the satellite failed to reach orbit, and everyone had a good laugh.

U.S. and international concern about North Korea's missile capability is heightened by its claims to have developed nuclear weapons and its fuck-all-of-you rhetoric. It is not known whether they can build a nuclear warhead small enough to fit a long-range missile, although in April 2005 the director of the Defense Intelligence Agency, Vice Admiral Lowell Jacoby, told Congress that those people have tiny hands and therefore probably use tiny screwdrivers. U.S. officials have since called it a "theoretical capability, much like our ability to shoot it down in flight."

No administration official has publicly raised the possibility of bombing the North Korean missile before it can be launched, but it's only a matter of time. Jan Lodel, a senior Pentagon policy wonk during the Clinton administration, said in an interview Tuesday that given the paranoia inherent to the Age of Bush, he would not rule out a pre-emptive strike. He said it would be the surest away of eliminating the threat of being surprised by the launch of an intercontinental ballistic missile that some believe has enough range to reach U.S. territory, if Alaska counts.

David Wright, a senior scientist at the private Union of Concerned Scientists, said that the Bush cabal's claims of having the capability to shoot down a North Korean missile were "bullshit."

The last time the Pentagon registered a successful test in intercepting a mock warhead in flight was in October 2002. Since then, there have been three unsuccessful attempted intercepts, resulting in the mock destruction of New York, Los Angeles and Colorado Springs.