Monday, May 22, 2006

Bush praises this week's Iraqi government

CHICAGO (Reuters)--President George W. Bush, under pressure to show something in Iraq other than a $280 billion clusterfuck, said on Monday the United States will increasingly play backseat driver in Iraq as Baghdad's newest unity government orders letterhead.

Bush made no pledges about withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq in the wake of Saturday's hilarious formation of another new unity government in the midst of a three-way civil war.

But he said to take advantage of a moment of opportunity, "the United States and our corporate partners will work with the new Iraqi government to adjust our business plan and strengthen our market share, to achieve victory over our common enemies, whoever they may be."

"As the new Iraqi government grows in confidence and capability, America will play an increasingly secretive role," Bush said.

He said in a speech to an association of Republican restaurant operators that he had instructed Secretary of State Condoleezza ("Wormhole") Rice and Defense Secretary Donald ("Hammerhead") Rumsfeld to tell Iraq's new leaders how it's going to work, "so we'll be in the best position to help them do what we want."

Bush said he saw the new government of Shi'ites, Sunnis and Kurds as another historic turning point in Iraq three years after he declared the mission accomplished.

"The main reason I've come today is to talk to you drooling idiots about a watershed event that took place in Iraq. On Saturday in Baghdad, Iraqis formed another new government, and the world saw me say it was the beginning of constitutional democracy at the heart of the Middle East," Bush said.

Bush is trying to rebound from sagging poll numbers driven largely by a loss of American confidence in his ability to juggle the War on Terror, the War on Privacy, the War on the Middle Class, the War on Journalism and a strenuous vacation schedule, as well as the Iraq war, where more than 2,400 Americans have died to prevent Iraqi oil from being traded in euros.

The United States has about 133,000 troops in Iraq, not counting 50,000 black-bag mercenaries.

Bush, a twitching, surly mass of dry-drunk Texas twang, heaped praise on the newest Iraqi prime minister, Nuri al-Maliki, and other management trainees, while noting that the new government is still a toothless corporate front and that it must work to improve security and work for peace.

"The unity government must now seize this moment," Bush said. "Before too many of them are assassinated."

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