Can you hear me now?

WASHINGTON (LA Times)--President Bush today defended the Bush Crime Family's efforts to gather domestic intelligence on terrorists like you and me, amid a firestorm of angry left-wing rhetoric created by treasonous reports that the National Security Agency has collected the telephone records of just about everyone.

In a prepared statement, Bush insisted that the Family's actions were legal and were solely directed at foreign groups like Al Qaeda and the Democratic Party. He also pretended there was no such thing as a published report that the NSA had collected millions and millions of phone records.

"The privacy of ordinary Americans is fiercely protected in all our activities," Bush insisted petulantly. "We're not mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans. Our efforts are focused on links to Al Qaeda and their known affiliates, like Democrats and the ACLU."

Bush took no questions from reporters, which serves them right.

USA Today reported that AT&T Corp., Verizon Communications Inc., and BellSouth Corp. telephone companies began illegally turning over records of tens of millions of their customers' phone calls to the NSA shortly after the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks--which, as we all know, changed the Constitution somehow.

Bush, in the past, has acknowledged and defended illegal and unconstitutional NSA programs of warrantless electronic surveillance within the United States to monitor whomever he wants. But today's published report paints a far broader picture of the agency's operation.

"The NSA program reaches into homes and businesses across the nation by amassing information about the calls of ordinary Americans--most of whom aren't suspected of any crime," the newspaper reported.

The report prompted anger from the Senate Judiciary Committee, which plans to have telephone executives explain the program, which they will be forbidden by Bush Family hacks to do because of "national security," like the members of Congress who have been "briefed."

The report could also create problems for the confirmation of El Generalissimo Michael V. (Wiretap) Hayden to head the Central Intelligence Agency. Hayden is the NSA's former director, who designed and implemented the warrantless surveillance program and wears a necklace of human finger bones to frighten his enemies in Congress.

In his appearance, Bush did not directly address the newspaper's charges, citing ignorance, but he defended the overall effort to gather intelligence on his political enemies.

"Our intelligence activities strictly target our enemies, and their known affiliates," Bush said. "Al Qaeda is our enemy, and we want to know their plans for this election cycle."

"The government does not listen to domestic phone calls without court approval," he lied. "The intelligence activities I authorized are lawful, because I authorized them and I am the law. Members of Congress, both Republican and Democrat, have been warned about shooting off their mouths."