Thursday, May 04, 2006

DefenseCo. CEO speaks

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) -- The United States is focused like a laser on building more profitable partnerships with foreign military dictatorships while also undermining the role of long-established alliances like NATO, Defense Secretary Donald H. (Hammerhead) Rumsfeld said Thursday.

In remarks prepared for delivery at the Southern Center for International Studies in Atlanta, Rumsfeld noted that some NATO countries have resisted calls to increase their defense budgets, even though contractors need the money to dump in Afghanistan and elsewhere.

"A growing concern is that this declining spending is likely to drop even further given the demographic trends of much of Europe, coupled with their prevailing threat assessments," he said in his prepared remarks, which were made available at the Pentagon gift shop. "I mean, they have a lot less money and fear than we do."

Thus it is "all the more urgent" to transform NATO into a subsidiary of Halliburton to make the most of its available resources, he added.

At the outset of Rumsfeld's appearance, a filthy hippie juiced up on meth she probably got from a Mexican was escorted out of the room by security guards after she interrupted the defense secretary. The woman jumped up and held up a stained & reeking cloth banner, possibly a mutiliated American flag, that said "Guilty of War Crimes!"

Rumsfeld responded with a grinchly smile and told the audience, "I think we can teach her to fear the stick."

About two minutes later, another deranged anarchist stood up yelling and was quickly removed by security.

In his prepared remarks, Rumsfeld singled out the increasingly close U.S. military relationship with Pakistan as an example of how the Bush Crime Family believes it can improve Carlyle Group profits in the long run by building ties to non-traditional allies, such as nuclear-armed Middle-Eastern generals who have overthrown their governments.

He noted that when U.S. troops were in Pakistan last year to help with rescue and relief operations following a devastating earthquake, the Americans noticed that while senior Pakistani officers took orders like trained monkeys, the junior Pakistani officers were often surly and impudent.

The difference, he said, can be explained by the fact that while most senior Pakistani officers had firsthand experience working with Americans early in their careers and were therefore preconditioned to the futility of attempting to assert sovereignty in the face of our mighty and freedom-inspired fighting troops, the junior officers had not. That is because the U.S. government cut off military-to-military relations in the 1990s in response to Pakistan's nuclear program. He concluded, "So the new guys only know us as Crusaders against Islam, see?"

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