Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Thanks. You're really special.

SUN CITY CENTER, Fla. (NYT) — President Bush and his brother continued their tag-team blowoff of Florida Representative Katherine (Slick 50) Harris, whose run for the Republican Senate nomination this year they have met with knowing glances and derision.

Ms. Harris was on hand and underfoot yesterday morning to meet President Bush as he stopped in Tampa en route to a forced Medicare event here— just one day after Governor Jeb (Pork Chop) Bush said publicly that Ms. Harris doesn't have a penis-shaped popsicle's chance in hell against the Democratic incumbent Senator here, Bill (Bill) Nelson.

Jeb Bush was there, too, as Ms. Harris waited, visibly squirming, for the president to walk off Air Force One in Tampa, and the two acted friendly as they traded whispered innuendos in the receiving line on the tarmac, according to a drunken baggage handler.

After saying hello to his brother and straightening his tie, the president shook hands with Ms. Harris and listened to her gushing, fawning praise for roughly 30 seconds, which is usually more than enough to do the trick. However, Ms. Harris seemed to be enjoying herself far more than the president, who did not kiss her nipples or put his tongue down her throat — or do anything more than pat her on the head as she adjusted his codpiece.

An aide to the president said later that they were only speaking about "the weather," and a spokesman for Ms. Harris refused to confirm that the conversation included tearful begging or any kind of breathless ultimatum.

The president and his brother have been loudly demanding that Florida Republican House Speaker, Allan (Mercedes) Bense, make a run for the Senate nomination Ms. Harris is seeking. He has until Friday to make up his mind. Mr. Bense had the good sense to refuse last year when asked to run, but he is now facing intimidation and bribes from top Republican donors here.

On Monday Jeb Bush raised new doubts about Ms. Harris's ability to unseat Mr. Nelson, saying, "She has nice tits, but I just don't think she can win."

He added, "It's just that's she's not gained any traction, and it seems that, unfortunately through no fault of her own perhaps, the press coverage is all about where she leaves her lipstick."

Some Republicans have expressed worries that Ms. Harris—who became nationally known as a ruthless partisan whore while manipulating the presidential recount of 2000 as not only Florida secretary of state but Bush/Cheney campaign chairperson—remains an infuriating figure, and could easily galvanize Democrats to vote against her if unable actually to slap her.

President Bush and Governor Bush had indicated they were warming to the painted crone's candidacy as no alternatives emerged, a dynamic which, when they were younger men, they called "hound-dogging." But that changed in February after military contractor Mitchell Wade said he had made illegal campaign donations to Ms. Harris's 2004 re-election campaign in exchange for a really excellent full-release massage.

"Been there, done that, got the White House," said the president with a smirk.

Ms. Harris has said she had no idea those itty-bitty contributions were illegal, sweetie, and she has not been accused of wrongdoing except by the public, filthy swine that they are. But it has added to a host of woes that have plagued her campaign, including staff turnover, financial problems, and a persistent unsightly rash.

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