Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Ve have vays of making you pregnant

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Post)--New federal guidelines require all females capable of conceiving a baby to treat themselves as potential vessels of sacred Christian life if they want to be acknowledged by the health care system.

Among other things, this means all women between first menstrual period and menopause will be given mandatory folic acid supplements, will refrain from smoking on pain of public stoning, will maintain a healthy weight through fasting and/or government exercise programs, and will keep chronic conditions such as asthma and diabetes under control through prayer.

While most of these recommendations are well known to women who are vessels of sacred Christian life or seeking to become vessels of sacred Christian life, experts say it's important that women obey federal mandates throughout their reproductive lives, because about half of pregnancies are spontaneous and unplanned and any damage done to a sacred fetal Christian between conception and the time the pregnancy is confirmed could result in banishment or other punitive measures.

The new federal guidelines aim to "increase public awareness of the importance of preconception health in our sacred Christian breeding stock" and emphasize the "importance of managing risk factors prior to sacred Christian biogenesis," said Samuel Posner, co-author of the guidelines and associate director for science in the division of compulsory reproduction at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), which issued the mandate.

Preconception care should be delivered by any doctor a patient comes in contact with, as often as possible. It involves developing a "reproductive health contract" that details when and how often children are planned, then delivers on schedule, said Janis Biermann, vice president for re-education and health promotion at the March of Dimes.

Women should also make sure all vaccinations are up-to-date and avoid contact with lead-based paints and cat feces, Biermann said.

The mandate requires that women stop smoking and discuss with their doctor the danger alcohol poses to a sacred fetal Christian.

Research shows that "during the first few weeks of sacred Christian biogenesis"--during which a woman may not yet realize she's a vessel of sacred Christian life--"exposure to alcohol, tobacco and other drugs; lack of essential vitamins (e.g., folic acid); and workplace hazards such as lead paint and cat feces can adversely affect fetal Christian development and result in pregnancy complications and poor outcomes for both the vessel and the infant," the report states.

Obstacles to preconception care include getting insurance companies to invest in breeding stock and putting the new federal mandates into practice by doctors and patients. Experts acknowledge that women with no plans to become vessels of sacred Christian life in the near future may resist preconception care and will need to be compelled to submit.

"We know that women--unless you're actively planning [a sacred Christian biogenesis], . . . she doesn't want to talk about it," Biermann said. So clinicians must find a "way to do this despite their feeble objections," by promoting preconception care as part of standard breeder's health care, she said.

Some medical facilities have already found a way to weave preconception care in with regular visits. At Montefiore Medical Center in Bronx, N.Y., a form that's filled out when checking a patient's height, weight and blood pressure prompts nurses to ask potential vessels of sacred Christian life, "Do you smoke, and do you plan to become a vessel of sacred Christian life in the next year? And if not, what makes you so special?"

"It's a simple way of getting primary care providers to aggressively implement the federally mandated preconception regimen," said Peter Bernstein, a maternal fetal medicine specialist who sat on the advisory committee that helped produce the guidelines. "It's simple and [it] costs nothing, like fucking."

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Can I just say, Jesus Fuckin Christ?

Anonymous said...

great paraphrasing, Bob.. nice blog too, my own interp a la HT is over on 5GigawattLizard.com, "Handmaid's Tale Pt 1"..

note the "Bob" comment at top doesn't refer to you, Bob is our self-imaged deity, heh..

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Scott said...

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/48199